u/Ok_Armadillo_3647

I've been part of this community for some time. I've been fighting for my child, whom I haven't seen, for six years. I've had a visitation order from the court for eight months. Our separation was very traumatic for both of us, to say the least. People that know me, know how much I love and cared for my child and how much I've been fighting since. How painful and life changing this has been, how my life has essentially been on hold, while I've been fighting; refusing to date because of the emotional baggage. For example. Meanwhile, being in therapy as we're supposed to be healthy, living our "best lives" somehow. In efforts for reunification and visitation, we've been working with professionals and it's been such a rocky road. We live in different states and there's been issues, we're now utilizing our second agency. After months, I still haven't seen or spoken to my child. Regardless that they have their own therapist and have been working independently with them for years, towards reunification.

The kicker is THIS: I've learned, that my child basically doesn't want me in their life. They want me to know they're ok, but they're happy where they're at. My child doesn't have a mother or mother figure in their life. When we were separated, their father was a complete unknown up to that point. The man was a total stranger. He's also extremely wealthy, a total narcissist and abusive. What I'm being made to swallow is that my child's reality isn't reality. I have these professionals telling me, as my child remembers things is their truth and I need to honor that. My child has blatantly been brainwashed. I have this person that I'm basically paying $250/hr telling me what I have to accept and none of it is peaches and cream and none of it is truthful. And I hate EVERY bit of it.

It made me sick all over again. It's reliving the pain. I have a bedroom here for my child. I try to stay as entwined and engaged in my child's life as possible. With letters, packages, gifts, treat bags to his class and entire grade at school.. I don't know that my child will ever know or understand how devastating this separation has been, how deeply or how hard I have fought, I don't know how to even appropriately express myself... The emotional and financial burden... When I said to the therapist "I raised a happy and healthy child" and for them to respond "that's not how they remember it" ... Wait, what? I left my career to stay home and raise my child. I have photos from every day of their life. Testimonials from everyone that knew us and our life together. ... None of that matters. Somehow I need to repair the damage that's been done and accept the fact that I lost my child. Grieve the death of those dreams a mother has. I never knew true love until I held that baby in my arms. This is never how I envisioned motherhood. I grieve every day for the child I've lost. This fight isn't easy. It will destroy you, if you let it.

I am uncertain, but I'm thinking this is gastritis. I have had bouts previously throughout my life associated with alcohol and I've never correlated it with gastritis or mentioned it to a doctor. Last night I would've gone to the ER had I been able to get off the floor. I was in SO much pain, I can only associate it with hard labor or a horrific gallstone attack. I couldn't breathe, I was sweating, with chills and ultimately vomiting violently while being too uncomfortable to lie down or sit up. I was curled up and slumped with my head dangling into my tub. I had eaten fresh papaya and some seeds. Nothing monumental, nothing that would warrant such a reaction. It was the intense vomiting that ultimately made the pain subside. Today I definitely still feel residual pain. Those of you that are familiar with gastritis and its symptoms, what do you recommend I do next? My last endoscopy was in 2019.

I've been alienated from my child for over six years. I had full custody. Father dragged me through the courts the entire time financially draining me and courts awarded me custody. He was given visitation but didn't. He is a millionaire and pleaded poverty in court and it wasn't about the money. I agreed to pennies in child support. I made a mistake which got cps involved and as such they contacted him as he was listed through domestics. I haven't laid eyes on my child since the day he showed up and took my child. That was my worst nightmare coming true. I was so traumatized that when he sued me for custody again in that process I buried my head in the sand and didn't respond. I did nothing. At the time, I didn't realize I was suffering a break, not coping, and in my head, I thought if I didn't respond the courts could do nothing without me. I wasn't functioning without my child at that point. I wasn't sleeping. For days on end. I had stopped eating. My doctors actually hospitalized me. In the meantime, he was awarded custody, because, yes, life moves on without you even when you're having a breakdown. Fast forward, I've been fighting against this narcissist, in court, for over four years. He resides in another state, taking my child with him. He's also a lawyer, so finding someone to represent me without conflict of interest was impossible the first two years. I refuse to move closer as that would defeat the purpose. But this man keeps suing me at every step. He's not even raising my child. My son's adult brother is his primary caretaker. He's doing everything to break me. I haven't held, smelled, kissed or spoken to my baby in over six years. The custody agreement says he is not to alienate me from my child and that's exactly what he's done. I've wanted to pursue contempt and my lawyer said that would be useless. I've got a court order for visitation that's been valid for over five months and I'm SO CLOSE and this guy is fighting it EVERY single step of the way. Why? Now it's money. He wants child support. This man didn't pay a dime for my child's birth and maybe paid a total of 36 months to me, but this guy is trying to bleed me dry. I send my child school clothes every year guessing what sizes he might be wearing, sneakers I think he'll like. I send his class treat bags and go to parent teacher conferences. I drive eight hours for 15 minutes with those teachers. I mail him Easter baskets and packages that I pray he gets. I don't know whether he does. This is a living hell. I try every day to rise above this and continue to fight and never give up. No one should know this pain. I guess I'm just venting. This week was my baby's 11th birthday. I'm so sorry that we're in this boat together. But I know, if you're still reading, you know how much my heart is hurting.

My neighbors, besides the screaming mom and 4 kids that scream and cry and laugh and play, all LOUDLY from next door got a puppy. That they ignore. And it cries, barks and whines. Loudly. In the middle of the night. For hours all morning. What's the solution? Besides moving? They would never tolerate such behavior from others, why am I stuck dealing with their crap?

I swear my neighbors must stay up at night thinking of ways to be vindictive and bothersome however, they're the WORST. It's true, neighbors make or break you and these ones have been nothing but intrusive, nosy and problematic since I moved in four years ago. We share an EXTREMELY large house that goes from the street to alley, there's three apartments. They have the entire first floor, there's two apartments on the second floor. Both tenants on the second floor moved in the same summer and the first floor have been here 20 years. I utilize the front entrance at my main entrance, they utilize the side, the rear, the rear. I have to park on the street. The other two have parking in the rear. They started this new hobby of a bird feeder. I mean, they go ALL out. Meal worms, the WORKS. Flipping pigeons are out there. The result is I have bird crap all over my car which is parked on the opposite side of the bush and sidewalk, DAILY. I have two vehicles. There's no extra spaces. Street parking is limited. I have to have cameras on my vehicles as they've been vandalized. That's for another story. The house is so large there is no yard area. These aren't outdoorsy people. They keep their curtains closed. They're not active or social people. No one on the block knows them. I've had to buy a car wash subscription to the tune of $350 annually due to the bird crap daily. I would try to speak to them about it but they've been miserable since I spoke to the landlord about their cigarette smoke permeating into my apartment for the first two years making areas of my apartment unusable. Which I had gone to them about several times verbally and texting them and they ignored it and me ultimately leaving me no choice. (Smoking was not permitted in their apartment and they knew it) After that my trash cans have disappeared, my cars have been vandalized, they have gotten loud with speakers and music blasting and more... But now... Yes I know I need to move but that's not financially in the cards just yet... They act like they own this place and when I go to the landlord he creates conflict by pinning tenant against tenant instead of handling the situation.