u/Ok_Elevator_7764

I found out recently from my grandpa that my mom wanted to marry a white man since she was in middle school. He said that she wanted to have a mixed kid and that's why she dated white men. She always wished to be mixed.

Now I am the product of that wish and I hate it. I don't feel asian enough and my mom has never made the effort to help me embrace my culture. Instead she made sure to ridicule me for acting "too white". Her and my grandma almost exclusively speak another language to each other and I feel so isolated (they refuse to teach me the language). She never believes that I struggle with being mixed. She always tells me how fantastic it is to be mixed.

I don't feel human. I feel like a placeholder for what she wanted. None of the other hapas that I have met IRL feel this way so it is truly an agonizing experience.

Sometimes (oftentimes) I wish I was mono racial so this pain would go away.

I've talked to several hapa people and they all told me that they have always felt like they belonged. None of them said that they felt like they were left out for being hapa. I know that this can't be the most common experience, but I feel like I'm going crazy over my identity struggles. It seems like I have no one to confide in because no one has similar struggles.

Have most of y'all felt left out because of your race at some point in your life?