u/Ok_Land_7379

I just woke up a few minutes ago to the sun blaring through the windows and it immediately induced anxiety and dread. It terrifies me to think about all of the practically naked women he will be looking at and it kills me to think of him getting turned on by looking at them and imagining fucking them. The pain just makes me want to die. I wish I could just leave him. I wish I could go back in time and never meet him. I can’t believe that my life is like this.

Hello, I’m a female in a relationship with a porn addicted partner. I don’t believe that he’s not watching porn somehow. He takes BlueChew Max Combo and says it’s a blood flow issue but he relies on them to have sex and never tries without them. He doesn’t put in effort to arouse me and just shoves it in, doesn’t seem to care about my pleasure. He won’t really touch me down there and if he does, it’s through my underwear. He doesn’t take my shirt off and always makes empty promises about how he will. I just think he won’t admit he’s not fully attracted to me especially because he is still watching porn and compares me to those women. He just insists I’m crazy. It’s killing me and I just want to understand what’s happening.

I wish I could stop constantly thinking about the women he is gawking at behind my back every day. I don’t know how to though. I can’t help but feel threatened and worthless because of how unattractive and unwanted he makes me feel. I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t love me or value me because I am not like the girls in porn, or on TikTok, or instagram, or Snapchat reels, or like the ones he comes across every day. It causes me so much pain and I cry every morning when he leaves for work and I am stuck on my couch, being paralyzed by the pain and obsessing over how I’m not good enough and how everyone else is so much better than me. I can’t live this way anymore. I don’t know how to leave this situation though. I need help.

I have been deeply traumatized by this man and he’s gaslit me so much to where I can’t stop thinking about whether or not he’s doing things behind my back while he’s at work. I have complete control of his phone but I feel like he still accesses porn on a different device at work, like his old phone or something else. I can’t stop feeling like he’s hiding something. He always seems to be in a better mood right before leaving for work and becomes significantly indifferent when he talks to me on the phone while he’s there. He still has PIED but lies about it and says it’s a blood flow issue but I don’t believe it. He always gets mad when I tell him about my suspicions and just says “I work my ass off every day just to get home to you!” or acts like I’m crazy and calls me insane.

I don’t know. It is probably hard to understand from reading this but I can’t stop worrying about this and I just want clarification that it’s not in my head.

I’m on Amazon shopping for bras… well trying to... and it’s so triggering and I feel so horrible about myself and can only think of what he would be thinking if he saw them. I miss when Amazon was simpler without the ads and videos of people modeling things. I really can’t escape this shit

I’m drowning in pain from seeing women everywhere I go and having to think about how he would be attracted to them and how he would think they’re better than me. I hate my body. I hate being me. I wish I could rip my spirit out of my body. How am I supposed to be able to survive this?

How am I supposed to be able to leave with no support whatsoever? I literally have no one. I have no family, I have no friends. I don’t even have acquaintances, I can’t access a therapist at this time because I don’t have a job. I lost it because this relationship has absolutely destroyed me. I’m a single mom (fortunately my son isn’t biologically his) and I don’t get a break from my son because I don’t have anyone to watch him and I don’t trust internet babysitting services. I have no network and I’ll be all alone with this pain and it terrifies me. I want to be done with him, I’m absolutely miserable. I’m being tormented and abused. I don’t know how to escape this though.

I can’t wrap my mind around how porn addicts will make you out to be the crazy one. They think that the way they forced us to live and operate is what we want. They try to make themselves out to be the victim, a saint even for “enduring” the way the relationship has to function after the damage they’ve done.

My porn addicted partner has:

-Layered lies upon lies to make me feel crazy and like I did not know what I was talking about when I knew he was watching porn

-He would gaslight me even when I found irrefutable evidence of him lying about watching porn, using social media to watch and download thirst traps

-He would gaslight me about looking at women in front of me when we were out in public, making me question reality, making me out to be insecure and crazy

-He would leave every two to three months so he can have a ”vacation“ and watch porn freely, use dating apps, go out and do he wants. He would make sure to manipulate my emotions, cause me as much pain as humanly possible, make me go crazy, so he can blame me for leaving and feel justified in doing whatever he wants while he’s gone and pre-printing a ticket to come back into my life when it’s convenient for him

- He calls me ugly, fat, worthless, manly, says racist things to me, degrades me to being a “hole”, says I will end up ending my own life cause I’m so worthless and no one will ever love me, he says things so horrible to me that I can’t even say here because it’s much too graphic. But he is relentless with what he says to me to hurt me as much as he can and make me feel as worthless as possible.

-He is threatening to abandon me just about every day and will physically get dressed and walk out the door like he’s leaving to taunt me and will mock my pain by asking “are you gonna chase after me?”

-We can’t go ANYWHERE together, we only watch the SAME animal documentary on repeat because I’ve been made to feel so bad about ANY woman on the screen and he won’t support me in feeling like we can watch things with people in it. He keeps conditioning me to feel like I have to be afraid of everything.

-He has to take BlueChew Max to perform and doesn’t even try to make me feel good during sex. He doesn’t touch me to arouse me and has NEVER taken my shirt off, knowing this kills me and makes me feel like I’m not even a woman, he’s always promising that he “will” but it shouldn’t be something he has to get himself to do. He just won’t admit that he’s not attracted to my breasts.

I can’t list every single thing here but I’m suffering, I’m in so much pain, I feel no hope, I feel no peace, I can’t bear every moment. I don’t feel like I can exist in this world, all because of what he’s been doing for the past four fucking years. He conditioned me to be so dysfunctional and be unable to function in our relationship normally, he made me feel like I have to monitor his every move 24/7, just to feel like I’m keeping myself safe from what he’s going to do next, to be able to see it coming. Yet, he says I’m crazy. He feels entitled to normalcy, even though he robbed me of that.

Is anyone else struggling with the weather change? The hotter weather has made me more terrified every day because as we all know, more sun =women showing more skin. When I’m out all alone, I see women with their butt cheeks out, their boobs out, dressing in ways where there’s nothing left to the imagination. It‘s already painful when he looks at women fully clothed, but when he can actually picture what their naked bodies look like, it makes me want to cease to exist. I wake up crying every morning now, dreading what he’s doing, who he is seeing. I think about how all of those women make him so unhappy with how I look and he resents me for being me. I don’t know how to cope with it being spring and summer. I really don’t. I wish I never ended up with such a sick and cruel man. I never thought I’d be suffering this much. Please tell me I’m not alone.