u/Ok_Oil4461

I’m a 18 year old female and never felt pleasure or any of that. I started SSRIs early 13 after a bad suicide attempt. I was on Lexapro I think at 13 for a few months and then switched to fluoxetine which been on around 36-50 for remaining of the years. I completely stopped taking them early February, cold turkey which I know isn’t good but I see my physiatrist once a year as far out and my parents pretty controlling with that. I just don’t know if my sexual delay is apart of the SSRI or not as I just never felt it. I mean I started taking it on puberty, and I didn’t notice sexual tension before that as I was a kid. I’m almost 19, end of May, and it’s horrible as I had my first kiss in college and it didn’t feel like anything I dreamed of. Had guys try to finger me and I tried to but it just felt nothing. The clit is more like a feeling if someone tickles you and that’s very dull, it’s awkward. Never had an orgasm in my life.

I just don’t know really as never had time to process it. As I am very underweight, and short as I believe the SSRI stunted me physically too. As my parents are 6’5 and 5’10 and I’m 5’4, 90 pounds. And the SSRI never helped anything emotionally either as went back and forth with treatment centers and other bad s-attempts which is why I never questioned this as I thought it was just depression.

The only thing I take now is Concerta (54 mg mornings and 16 afternoons) and I hope that doesn’t effect anything as it’s the one thing I take for my chronic fatigue.

I talked to a doctor on campus and they don’t even believe SSRIs do this as it’s not studied enough. Told me to watch porn or read eroticas. Which obviously I’ve tried, just never physically got turned on.

I’m a very emotional person, even with SSRI (ironically as it’s supposed to suppress that but it suppressed everything except that). So I’m not one of the people here that can’t feel love and all that. Or have brain fog. I just feel like it stunted my growth, looking 13 at almost 19, underweight, short, no sexual experience, and just overall making me stay at my 13 year old body. For example I still have my growth plates even at my age though I’ve been 5’4 since age 12.

I just want to have sex, I feel so left out. And it’s not like I’m asexual or just someone who can accept it based on not having the feelings for it as I do. I have fantasies, I have the attraction, I have the love, I just physically can’t feel anything. And it makes me feel horrible as talking to a guy and always pulling his hands away and leaning out when making out as just feels awkward. I don’t know what I am to do. Wondering if anyone knows if SSRIs can affect other physical aspects as well as I know it does effect the Sexual but idk the others.

Edit: I also have a twin sister who is around 135 and 5’6. We don’t know if we are identical or not but pretty sure, as always looked alike and been similar., just some family members thought the doctor said we weren’t. Our mom and dad don’t remember if we are or not. So if that helps with the height and weight stunt. As she never was on any of these meds. And she is like a girl who goes to the gym all the time while I can’t as I chronic weakness in my bones.

I’m 18F, a first-year biology major, and I feel like college has completely shattered the way I viewed myself. In high school, academics were the one thing that made me feel capable. Even after spending almost two years in treatment and basically missing most of freshman and sophomore year, I came back, got straight As, worked 30+ hours a week, and graduated with 65 college credits from dual enrollment classes. I live in the rural Midwest, so there weren’t AP classes or fancy opportunities which helped with duel credit.

To most people, 65 credits probably doesn’t sound impressive, but to me it mattered because there was a point where I genuinely didn’t think I’d even finish high school. During treatment, every part of your life is controlled. No freedom, no technology, barely any connection to the outside world. So coming back from that and still managing to academically succeed felt huge to me.

I started college thinking it would finally be a fresh start. Parents didn’t trust me based on my last mental health so could be on my own again. I had money saved from working since I was 14, around 15k, as my parents traditional “once you are 18, your on your own” which I didn’t mind. Generally didn’t think parents paying for tuition was as common as it was, thought it was very rare till I came to college. Also all my credits from duel credit, I technically started as a junior which seemed good financially.

I never really learned how to study. My whole life I relied on memory and quick understanding. My dad used to make my twin sister and I study for hours every day as kids and quiz us constantly, so school eventually became something I could do without trying very hard. But college biology was different, especially because I missed most high school biology while I was away. Suddenly I was getting 60s on exams no matter how “smart” I thought I was.
First semester I overloaded myself with 20 credits and 3 labs, drank constantly, barely studied, and ended with a 2.5 GPA. It genuinely messed with my head because I’ve never tied my worth to GPA exactly, I don’t think GPA determines intelligence, and I’m not even planning on grad school but I don’t want to feel stupid. I never thought of myself as the smartest, not a burnt out gifted kid (personally think that term is just for people who need to cope about being average) but I always thought I was at least capable.

This semester got worse mentally. I started skipping classes more, sleeping through even afternoon lectures, drinking every night, barely eating because I’m constantly stressed about money even though I still have savings. A few days ago I ate a tortilla by itself because I convinced myself spending money on food was irresponsible. I’ve dropped to around 93 pounds at 5’4. Somehow though, despite all of that, my GPA was sitting around a 3.4 again.
And honestly? Part of that almost made me feel worse because it proved I still wasn’t really learning properly. I was surviving off shortcuts and old habits. I have a class where I haven’t attended lecture once and still have over a 100% because I figured out how to use discussion responses and professor feedback to build my exam answers. It’s not admirable, but it works. That’s how I’ve always operated academically, figure out the system instead of studying.

Then a few days ago I got a calculus exam back. Math is the one subject I’ve always genuinely loved and felt confident in. I tutor friends in it. I almost wanted to become a math teacher at one point because I think so many professors teach in ways that overcomplicate concepts just to sound impressive. I had an A in the class all semester and then completely bombed one exam. Since exams are worth most of the grade, my class average dropped all the way to a D+ overnight, and my overall GPA dropped from around a 3.4 to a 2.6. The final can only get it to a C, which is a 2.8 - 2.9.

That’s what really broke me mentally. If I failed a biology lab, whatever. But failing in the one subject I actually believe I’m good at made me spiral hard. Like I took an easier math class because it would be easy credit even though I scored a 90 on the ALEK. I know Gpa doesn’t matter as no grad school, but seeing a low GPA still feels humiliating because it feels like proof to other people that you’re dumb, lazy, or incapable which yes probably but still hard to accept. And I think deep down I built so much of my identity around being “the smart one” with friends coming to me for tricks and easy ways out that losing that feels terrifying.

Now I’m questioning everything. I don’t even know if I want biology anymore because the animal behavior paths I cared about don’t pay well, and money anxiety controls my life. But I also hate labs and dissections and anything involving veins or organs. At the same time, nothing else interests me enough to switch majors, and I already have too many credits to explore without wasting money. I signed a lease for next year too, so I feel trapped here regardless.

I know people online will probably say I caused this myself. And honestly, they wouldn’t be entirely wrong. I know drinking, skipping classes, and refusing to study are self-destructive. Drinking I can’t help, as it’s been in my family forever, my mom mixing me drinks since 9, taking shots at funerals with everyone else at 11. It’s been part of my life and don’t know if I can ever change that. But I think what hurts most is realizing that failing at something you care about feels completely different than failing at something you don’t. I could’ve accepted being average in biology. I didn’t expect failing in math, the one thing I felt naturally confident in would make me question my entire identity this badly.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has gone through this feeling where the thing you based your confidence on suddenly stops feeling real.

So my entire life I have never felt like turned on or wet. Like if I’m wet it’s discharge that just happens randomly, never from me. And it’s not like I don’t want sexual experiences, I do but my body won’t react. I don’t know if my younger years of SSRIs stunted it.

I’ve tried masturbating, porn, etc, just feels uncomfortable than anything. Even had a few guys try to finger me and I had to push them away as it didn’t do anything. Even kissing was very gross for me till a bit ago and now I’m like okay with it but never like arousing.

I’ve talked to a doctor at my college clinic and all she did was tell me to watch Porn which I’ve tried. I did go to her as I thought maybe it’s from my younger years of taking SSRIs as I started taking high doses of fluoxetine (56mg) at 13 after a bad attempt at my life till now where I stopped 3 months ago (I’m 19). I stopped because I’ve realized this wasn’t normal to not feel anything, just numbness and expected feeling to come back but it never did. But when I asked the doctor about it, she said that yeah reports of it but meds like that are so under researched on women health that the sexual dysfunction of it is considered “not real” to the medical world so can’t do anything but give me porn and books.

I feel so abnormal, I just want to feel like other girls. The guy I’ve been talking to, he fingered me and I had to pushed him away and tell him it’s my meds. He wants to maybe go farther soon and is understanding that I’m not ready because if everything so dry where even putting a tampon when I’m bleeding hurts from it being dry, I don’t know if I ever can have sex.

I want to though. Like I’m not asexual, I want to try it, and like have the thoughts but not the physical response. And everyone I talked to have no advice for me. And I want to change it. Badly. Like is it some hormone thing? Like I get ovary cysts and irregular periods but it’s not PCOS as I’ve very underweight. 5’4 95 lbs.

Like any advice at all, anything, supplements, meds. Certain treatments. Only thing I’m hearing is maca Root and I don’t know if it will work like that as I heard that’s for low libido and not no libido. Like is this just some development mutation I just have to deal with? Please help

So I will be honest, I’m not like most girly clean girl. Shower every other day. Use toner pads and then deep cleanser in shower. Brush teeth 2-3 times a day. Maybe curl and put mascara on for makeup on weekends. Most of my hygiene other than other basic ones. Now I do have like face masks and have a sugar scrub. I also have hair oil. And like once on a blue moon I might use them. And it’s been making me think, on if there is benefits to them. I like how they look on TikTok and like people having collections , makes it look cool. And some smell nice. But like is there a true use for them.

Like exfoliating, like yes scrub hard and get dead skin cells, might look glossy for a bit but like what’s the point of that. Like I have never been in public and is like “oh glossy arms”. Like skin looks glossy after just it being wet or lotion. So what’s the point of it other than a little shine, any benefits at all?

Same with hair oiling, my hair already gets greasy fast, when I do hair oiling it just makes my hair greasy and feel gross. Then have to take a shower where I assume it’s all washed off. Whats the point of having something that won’t stay? And if it does have like scalp benefits for build up, it seems like something that will just dissolve and that you will have to use daily. Spending more money just for little to no change.

Face masks, while yes they make me feel good and they look nice after off but do those things even make a long term benefit? Like told it’s bad to do them all the time but effect obviously isn’t there forever. It’s like I do it on self care day and still not gonna have any lasting benefit.

Like yes I get things don’t need all the benefits like shower steamers and bath bombs for a better smelling bath and all that. But these things people say online are like needed for care. And it’s like it doesn’t do anything lasting for it to have any effect in public.

So I’m wondering is it like for people to feel good like yes psychological wise it will make you feel better in like having a routine to take care of self. But beneficial it doesn’t seem to have much purpose.

Like loofas and African net sponges. It’s like they will say you’re gross for a loofah, and I do have both. African net sponges mainly but using a loofah currently in college. And it’s like.. well you don’t smell the difference as people won’t notice till you mention you use a loofah and not an African net sponge. Going into skin barrier more isn’t making you smell better, just making your skin more raw.

It makes me so overwhelmed when I see all these products online where it seems to be like “common for hygiene” without much take away than a day. And it makes it just seem too much and overconsumption, and like trend hoping but then if you don’t, they deem you as unclean.

So I’m just wondering if people can explain the like lasting benefits of these things. And more hygiene related then the examples I listed and their benefits as well. Just for me to get a better picture on these.