u/Ok_Shift_4702

MY FRIENDS, I COME BEFORE YOU TODAY TO WARN YOU OF A MOST DISTURBING DEVELOPMENT IN OUR MIDST. u/ilikelobster2 HAS MADE MOST CLEAR HIS INTENTIONS TO SET UP A COMMUNIST REGIME IN OUR EASTERN REGIONS. COMMUNISM IS AN IDEOLOGY OF PURE EVIL THAT WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF 100 MILLION PEOPLE IN THE 20TH CENTURY. WHAT IS ESPECIALLY SHOCKING IS THAT u/ilikelobster2 IS COMPLETELY AWARE OF THESE MURDEROUS COMMUNIST ATROCITIES AND WELCOMES THE SUFFERING AND DEATH THAT WOULD RESULT FROM HIS PROPOSED REGIME. THE EVIDENCE IS LAID BARE FOR ALL TO SEE AT https://www.reddit.com/r/baguetteism/comments/1v24zrz/comment/oyspws6/. I STRONGLY URGE OUR LEADERS TO IMMEDIATELY LAUNCH A FORMAL INVESTIGATION AND INQUIRY AND PUT A STOP TO THIS WITHOUT DELAY. THIS COULD BE A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH FOR THE BAGUETTEISTS AS WELL AS HUMANITY AT LARGE.

VIVE LE BAGUETTE! DOWN WITH THE EVIL EMPIRE OF COMMUNISM!

AMONG MANY RELIGIOUS SECTS, IT IS STANDARD PRACTICE WHEN A CONGREGATION IS ASSEMBLED AND A PASSAGE OF SCRIPTURE READ OR A SERMON PREACHED, THAT THE CONGREGATION RESPOND WITH PHRASES SUCH AS “AMEN! HALLELUJAH!” AND THE LIKE. IT IS MY FEELING THAT WE OUGHT TO HAVE OUR OWN VERSION OF THIS PRACTICE.

NOW, OBVIOUSLY, WE ALREADY HAVE “ABREAD” AND ARE USING THAT QUITE FREQUENTLY AND TO GREAT EFFECT. HOWEVER, WE LACK A SUITABLE ADAPTATION OF “HALLELUJAH.” I MYSELF ONCE SAID, “ABREAD! HALLEBOOYAH!” BUT THIS SEEMS TO MY ESTIMATION SOMEWHAT LACKING. AFTER ALL, “HALLEBOOYAH” IS HARDLY A BREAD PUN. HAVE ANY OF YOU ANY BETTER, MORE BREADLY IDEAS?

FOR ASSISTANCE IN THIS CRUCIAL MATTER I WOULD CALL ESPECIALLY UPON u/Legitimate_Link5346, SHOULD THE GREAT BAGUETTEIST LINGUIST AND THEOLOGIAN HAVE AN UNSPOKEN IDEA WITH WHICH TO WEIGH IN.

HERE I STAND, ALONE, IN A DYING SUBREDDIT. THE STREETS ARE EMPTY. DUST AND TUMBLEWEEDS BLOW QUIETLY PAST EMPTY, SILENT BOULANGERIES. CAFES THAT ONCE BUSTLED WITH THE LOVERS OF BAGUETTES NOW STAND ABANDONED, DILAPIDATED, SLOWLY CRUMBLING BACK INTO THE DUST FROM WHENCE THEY CAME. THERE IS NARY A CRUMB OF A LOAF LEFT. TIME HAS CONSUMED FIRST THE BREAD, THEN THE PEOPLE, AND NOW SLOWLY GNAWS AWAY AT THE BUILDINGS. I NOW THINK BACK WITH FONDNESS ON THE HIGH DAYS OF OUR GREAT SOCIETY. “VIVE LE BAGUETTE,” WE WOULD SAY, AS WE TOGETHER REVELED IN THE GLORY OF THE GREAT FRENCH BREAD. WE WOULD WRITE GREAT TRIBUTES AND MARVELOUS ODES TO THE SPLENDID BREADS. I REMEMBER WITH PRIDE HOW TOTALLY WE DID VANQUISH OUR VILE HERETICAL ENEMIES, THE CROISSANTISTS, LEAVING THEIR SUBREDDIT LITTLE MORE THAN AN ABANDONED SMOLDERING HEAP. BUT NOW, ALL IS COME TO AN END. OUR ONCE-NUMEROUS PEOPLE IS ALL BUT PASSED ON. THE GREAT CULT OF THE BAGUETTE MUST NOW FADE INTO DISTANT MEMORY AND BE LOST TO TIME, AS MANY THINGS HAVE. FOR DUST WE ARE, AND UNTO DUST WE MUST RETURN, AND OUR GREAT SOCIETIES WITH US. SO HERE I STAND, ALONE, IN A QUIET AND DIMLY MOONLIT STREET, MOURNING WHAT ONCE WAS. I LONG FOR THE DAYS OF LIBERTY, EQUALITY, FRATERNITY, AND THE BAKERY. I WOULD SEE MY BREADLY BROTHERS AGAIN. BUT ALAS, IT IS ENDED. I MUST NOW MOVE ON, FOREVER TRYING TO FILL OR FORGET THE BAGUETTE-SHAPED HOLE IN MY HEART. FORGIVE ME, MY DEPARTED BROTHERS, BUT THIS IS NO WAY FOR A MAN TO LIVE. SO I MUST MOVE ON, AND I MUST TRY ONCE AGAIN TO FIND MEANING IN MY LIFE. HERE I STAND, ALONE, A LITTLE OLDER, A LITTLE WISER, A LITTLE SADDER, BUT GRATEFUL FOR WHAT ONCE WAS. MY BREADLY BRETHREN, IT’S BEEN REAL. I BID YOU ALL, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE, IN THIS REALM OR PASSED ON TO ANOTHER, A VERY FOND FAREWELL…

UNLESS

WE ARE, IN FACT, STILL HERE

GET OCCUPIED, YOU TRAITOROUS FIENDS

VIVE LE BAGUETTE, AND PARDON MY FRENCH!

I, u/Ok_Shift_4702, SELF-APPOINTED BAGUETTE AMBASSADOR FOR THE GOOD PEOPLE OF r/baguetteism, DO HEREBY DECLARE ON BEHALF OF THE BAGUETTEISTS THAT AN APOLOGY FOR THE BLASPHEMIES OF u/HarryHamster10 HAS BEEN OFFERED AND ACCEPTED. WE WILL HAVE PEACE WITH THE PASTAFARIANS, OUR BROTHERS IN GLUTEN. MAY WE ALL REMEMBER THIS DAY FOREVER AND NEVER AGAIN TRESPASS AGAINST EACH OTHER IN THIS WAY.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

VIVE LE BAGUETTE, AND PARDON MY FRENCH!

u/HarryHamster10 HAS ISSUED A FORMAL APOLOGY FOR HIS INFLAMMATORY REMARKS OVER ON r/pastafarianism AT https://www.reddit.com/r/pastafarianism/comments/1ust3i6/comment/owqt0hv/?context=3. GIVEN THE CONSIDERABLE SIZE OF THE PASTAFARIAN GROUP AND CONCERNS EXPRESSED BY u/a_potato_YT, I FEEL IT MAY BE WISE TO DECLARE PEACE WITH THE PASTAFARIANS.

ALL IN FAVOR?

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THERE IS A BAND OF DIRTY INFIDELS PRACTICING THEIR VILE UNBREADLY WAYS AT r/pastafarianism. THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO STAND!

I THEREFORE MOVE THAT THE COUNSEL CONVENE AND DISCUSS A DECLARATION OF WAR.

VIVE LE BAGUETTE, AND PARDON MY FRENCH! DOWN WITH THE PASTAFARIAN HERESY!

I, u/Ok_Shift_4702, SELF-APPOINTED BAGUETTE AMBASSADOR OF r/baguetteism, DO HEREBY PROPOSE THAT WE MAKE THE FOLLOWING OUR OFFICIAL NATIONAL MOTTO: “LIBERTÉ, ÉGALITÉ, FRATERNITÉ, ET LE BOULANGERIE.”

IT IS MY FEELING THAT THIS MOTTO DOES PERFECTLY EMBODY OUR LOVE OF LIBERTY, EQUALITY, FRATERNITY, AND THE GREAT FRENCH BREADS, AS WELL AS BEING A RESPECTFUL NOD TO THE FRENCH ORIGINS OF OUR MOST FAVORITE BREAD, THE ALMIGHTY BAGUETTE.

I THEREFORE MOVE THAT WE ADOPT THIS MOTTO AND POST IT TO OUR “ABOUT” PAGE.

ALL IN FAVOR?

GENTLEMEN, WE NEED A DECISION ON WHICH VERSION OF THE TREATY TO USE: MINE OR BOULANGERIE. MINE, I FEEL, IS MUCH MORE LIKELY TO EFFECT A LONG-TERM PEACE AS IT REQUIRES REASONABLE CONCESSIONS ON THE PARTS OF BOTH PARTIES, SO AS NOT TO LEAVE THE CROISSANTISTS FEELING BULLIED. THE PROPOSED TREATY OF BOULANGERIE, ON THE OTHER HAND, SEEMS CRAFTED FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF SUBJUGATING AND CRUSHING THE CROISSANTISTS, WHICH TYPE OF TREATY HISTORY WOULD SUGGEST IS A LITTLE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. I HAVE ALREADY RECEIVED A SIZABLE NUMBER OF “AYE”S AND UPVOTES TO MY ORIGINAL TREATY PROPOSAL.

FURTHERMORE, THERE WAS ONE AMENDMENT PROPOSED TO MY ORIGINAL DRAFT, WHICH I TRIED TO BRING TO YOUR ATTENTION EARLIER. IF WE SHOULD GO WITH MY VERSION OF THE TREATY, SHOULD I INCLUDE THE PROPOSED AMENDMENT OR NO?

GENTLEMEN, IT IS MY FEELING THAT IT MATTERS DEEPLY WHICH VERSION OF THE TREATY WE USE. IF WE WOULD HAVE PERPETUAL PEACE, LET US GO WITH THE ORIGINAL PROPOSAL WITH APPROPRIATE AMENDMENTS. IF WE WISH TO SEE A BLOODY WAR OF CROISSANTISH REVENGE, LET US GO WITH BOULANGERIE. WILL YOU HAVE PEACE OR WAR?

WHILE IT IS TRUE THAT WE, THE BAGUETTEISTS, ARE IN THE PROCESS OF DRAFTING AND APPROVING A PEACE TREATY, IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT IT IS NOT YET READY. THE VERSION LEAKED HERE EARLIER IS NOT OFFICIAL OR COMPLETE, CONTAINS AT LEAST ONE UNAUTHORIZED EDIT, AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS BINDING AT THIS TIME. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

YOU ARE ALL HERETICS AND TRAITORS. THE ONE TRUE WAY IS THE WAY OF THE BAGUETTE. COME TO THE LIGHT SIDE OR RISK THE WRATH OF THE BAGUETTEISTS. A DECLARATION OF WAR IS PENDING DRAFTING AND APPROVAL. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.