u/Ok_Stop3069

i have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past 2 years (even though i was already struggling with my emotions back in highschool) and only became worse and worse up to this point. i met the loml a year ago and shes been wanting to break up now bc ive been so unstable for the past 3 mos. right now, i got medicated and my ex girlfriend finally agrees to talk to me next week after days of begging (while i was still unmedicated). while my mom and her friend governs our conversation so that our talk wouldnt be led astray because she had been resenting me for awhile (most of it i didnt know).

when i saw this subreddit all i see are people saying that you should never ever be with someone unmedicated.. but now that i am, things should change for my relationship, right? assuming that my ex will take me back and give me a chance now that i am medicated.

hello,

im s, and its been a long long year for me and its not even june yet. im turning 21 soon but the idea of killing myself have been around my head since the age of 12, 7th grade, when i thought i was so worthless because my own parents would refer to me as 'yung anak mo' when theyre talking with each other. parang diring-diri sila. tried to attempt a lot of times since then but got called out and shamed for it. no one wouldve thought i wanted to end it all anyway. i was smart and somewhat religious back then. if i were to commit, i'd go straight to hell.

years passed, the pandemic passed, im still here. i met new people, new relationships, but somehow that feeling of unshakable anxiety comes creeping up on me. suddenly i dont know what to do. my backlogs feel impossible to finish, drowning in my own workload trying to maintain a scholarship because my dad doesn't want to pay for my tuition. scraping by commissions left and right to pay for any miscellaneous fees--i feel like im going to explode.

then i lost it, i lost it because i got too sidetracked. i prioritized my relationship over my grades, over my mental. i lost my scholarship. i couldnt bare it. i tried to commit again because i know if i wont succeed in college all of my relatives are going to shame me. 'sayang ka' ika nga ng tita ko. thankfully, i got it back. my school was kind enough to give me another chance. so i worked my ass off again to scrape by--but i still couldn't save enough money to get myself a psych appointment or even try to look for one thats free. then i met her, i met someone id want to change for--someone who really mattered and i felt seen after 19 years of living back then. i was thankful. she saved me, but i think i ruined her.

months passed again, we were like cat and mouse. arguing here and there. both our mood swings were off and weird but i knew she was struggling mentally too. good thing for her, shes being medicated. sometimes, i envy her. she has a loving family that books her her appointments, while im just here trying to cope, trying to live and fulfill my dream. i envied her--i was never angry at her but i was angry towards myself.

but i ruined her, i ruined her by being a wreck. it was finals and i thought i was failing again. anxiety flushed my body every fucking day on that last month of the term. i was a mess. i was constantly up all night--sleep deprived, angry, and anxious. i wanted to end it all, but i was trying to be strong, then something happened, we fought again. i cant even remember what we fought about back then while im writing all this, but we fought. she wanted to break up, and hearing those words felt like a lighter being sparked to light a flame. a flame that would lead me to just give up and disappear.

so i did, i tried to od.

she called me. she heared me od myself through the phone and trying to pump my stomach because i was so scared of her calling an ambulance because i always hated those sirens. i hated it so much to the point that i might just try to live again just to not hear it. i puked it all out. she felt guilty and hated herself. not til recently i found out that everyday that time replays in her mind filling her with guilt that i wouldve died because of her. her exact words. its replaying in my head, the series of events i could remember.

were still together, but she wanted to cool off. she wants me to get help. im too broke. i dont even know what im gonna do with my scholarship too. everything's been heavy and im so done pretending infront of my peers that im okay just because ive been laughing around them and just working and doing my job. i am hating every second of my existence right now because im still here. i dont know how im gonna fix things with my girlfriend, neither do i know how to get help as soon as possible before i have all my hair fall out because of my stress in undergrad. ive been trying to fix things on my own and nothing is going my way.

ive always hated my birth month.

i just wish she'd text me, call me, and ask if im doing fine. just knowing that there wont be anyone else when im back healthier, more responsible, basically maybe anything she could ever ask for.

i dont want to be a failure. i never wanted any of this to happen.

i dont know if i still want to kill myself after the shittiest 4 weeks ive ever experienced but i dont know if i want to live either.

i hope this PGH thing goes well. i havent slept for 3 days.