u/OmgChickenDied4

FTM. My husband and I live in a different town from my parents. One day my mom randomly started planning a baby shower near her home, talking about renting a venue, inviting her work friends, and serving breakfast. When I asked about inviting my friends and my husband’s family, she said it would be “too many people” and mentioned that my friends are mostly white, implying there would be a language barrier. I felt frustrated because she never asked if I even wanted a shower or what I wanted for it.

I told her I wanted us to plan it together since this is my first baby shower too. She agreed, but when I shared concerns about the venue she chose and suggested a different place or having it at home, she ignored my concerns and kept talking about decorations, food, and her plans. I asked who she was inviting and realized I only knew two people. I told her I’d feel uncomfortable having a shower where I barely knew anyone and where my own friends and family wouldn’t really be included.

She got upset and explained she already invited her friends because they had invited her to their grandchildren’s baby showers, so she wanted to return the favor. Again, I expressed that I wouldn’t know anyone there and didn’t feel comfortable with the venue. She ignored that and kept talking about breakfast food. I finally told her she never asked what I wanted, and it felt like this shower was more for her than for me. She became frustrated and said she was only trying to do something nice for me. I ended the conversation by saying we should discuss it another time because I didn’t want a baby shower anymore at that point.

Later, on a better day, I gently brought the topic up again. I told her my husband and I wanted to plan a baby shower closer to our home with our friends and family. I asked what she wanted to do for “her” shower, and she brought up the same ideas again: the venue, breakfast, and her friends. When she asked about our plans, I explained we wanted everyone together and asked if she’d help with ours if I helped with hers. She agreed, but then said it would be weird if my side of the family attended both showers. I reminded her that previously she said her shower would mainly be for her friends, but she denied saying that.

I suggested having just one shower with the plans my husband and I wanted, but she said no one would drive that far. I replied that people could still buy from the registry if they wanted. She responded that people wouldn’t gift unless there was free food. I said they didn’t have to attend or gift if they didn’t want to. I also brought up my concerns again about the venue staff and safety, and explained that we feel more comfortable having a shower closer to our home. She responded with how her and I have a hard time communicating, that we never understand each other and that we need to involve a 3rd to explain what we want to say to each other, also she mentioned why I cant speak proper (insert language). I informed her that i do have proper (language) I have taken an oral exam and score 90% with my new job. I paused our conversation and mentioned that it sounds like we have to have two baby showers, and i have to drive to hers, and she has to.drive to mine. We agreed on 2 showers, we would help each others showers fees and.clean up.

I dont know if im doing the right thing, if i should just tell her to.cancel hers because its my baby shower or what i should do...thoughts?