u/One-Loss4336

A Letter to My Eating Disorder

Your opinion of me has grown old and stale

It sits on my shelf rather than your past perching place above my heart

I keep it framed, though, on that dusty shelf

Because I cannot let go of the pain quite yet,

And to remind me that shedding 

The restriction of your criticism 

Was one of the strongest things I’ve ever done

See, you spit lies at me

Made me ashamed of the numbers that peeled

Off the scale’s blinking display and danced

Cruelly in my dreams

These numbers that, today,

Carry me up mountains

How could you, so cloaked and blinded by grief, understand that?

How it feels to stand on the precipice,

Stare at the cusp of eternity 

I no longer reach for the hunger pains like a guiding light

In a sea of midnight

Instead, I reach for my own hand

And the warmth in my chest paints me the same hues as all the golden, glorious sunrises

That I will watch

On my own

Somedays, you may sit behind me or beside me, nudging me

But you will not sit inside me again

I stitch parts of me together like delicate, beautiful wool

And thank God for my blessings

But at night, I feel heavy with anger

For all the people who know their bodies will never be enough, 

Who measure their faults along with their cereal

The children who avoid mirrors like the plague, 

And the children who worship them

And though I was able to hang you up on my shelf, 

I carry the knowledge that you still occupy

Thousands of beautiful minds

For all those who find refuge in similar demons:

You did not fight your way into this world to be

Small, quiet, or numb

You are not meant to be a perfectly poised photograph

Allow your fingernails to become gritty with the business of life

Muddy yourself with joy

Let peace knot your hair and contentment

Stain your teeth

Do not let your perception of your lack constrain you

Do not let it hold you back from all the books you’re meant to read,

All the constellations your fingers have yet to trace

Your unborn laughter flutter lightly in the air, waiting

Fill rooms with your presence

Don’t shrink

Grow

Grow like wildflowers shooting out of a meadow,

Untamed and wild

Love

Do not let this stop you.