Could this be OCD or obsessive rumination? I keep sabotaging myself mentally over my driving license
I’m 19 and I’m physically disabled, and getting my driver’s license has been a much longer and more complicated process for me than it probably is for most people. I’ve been working on it for about two years, but because of the circumstances around my disability, I haven’t actually been able to take either the official theory or practical exam yet. I’m currently doing driving lessons and working toward getting to the exams.
The strange part is that I really want my license. I want the independence and freedom that comes with it, especially because I live somewhere where transportation can be difficult without a car.
I’ve done hundreds of theory practice tests in my app and have been consistently passing them for months. I actually enjoyed doing the simulations, but am fed up now. My brain tells me I am not allowed to pass, should sit in the exam room and PURPOSELY click the wrong answer and it makes me so worried because I feel like I won’t finish because I still have not enough of the theory mockery exam app (LIE. I WANT IT DONE)
And somehow my brain has turned that into a reason to potentially sabotage myself.
I keep getting thoughts like:
“If I pass, I won’t be able to use this app anymore.”
“Maybe I should intentionally fail so I can keep doing the simulations.”
“What if I actually don’t want to finish?”
“What if I deliberately choose the wrong answers?”
The thing is, I desperately want this whole process to be over. I’ve literally cried because I want to finally be finished with it. I’m exhausted from thinking about my license. There are also alternative theory trainers I could use afterward, so I could still do simulations voluntarily if I actually wanted to.
But instead of simply accepting that, I keep analyzing my thoughts:
“What does this thought mean?”
“Do I secretly want to fail?”
“Am I sabotaging myself?”
“Do I deserve a license?”
“What if I actually choose to fail?”
Then I seek reassurance, feel better temporarily, and eventually another version of the same doubt comes back.
I’ve been thinking about this topic for two years, and it’s genuinely taking a toll on me. At this point I don’t even want to keep mentally discussing the damn license — I just want to finish the process.
I’m wondering if this sounds like OCD/mental compulsions, Pure-O, obsessive rumination, or some other anxiety pattern. I’m not asking Reddit to diagnose me, and I know I should talk to a professional.
I’d especially like to hear from people who have experienced OCD, intrusive thoughts, rumination, or reassurance-seeking:
Does this pattern sound familiar? And how did you learn to stop analyzing every thought and instead focus on what you actually choose to do?