you shouldve seen me with my ex
i am having the hardest time in my dating life nowadays. i just have a hard time grasping the concept of loving someone completely new (or to some degree) and having to start over.
i yearn for the times i had w my first boyfriend, even if i was the one who carried the majority of the relationship on my back. i just miss him. or the idea of him. i miss knowing that there was a person who listened to me and i can have at any moment. he didnt really answer my phone calls, so i heard from him only on his terms. it was an addiction. i admired the beauty of him. i miss listening to him share his latest nerdy muse. i miss soaking in his presence. His aroma. i felt like i gave him my all. so much time and energy went into that relationship. most likely because i couldnt bare being alone, physically or mentally. i felt like his life and what he had going on was far more interesting than what i had in front of me. i gave him so many gifts as well, probably the best gifts he could've ever had, and they were expensive too. he didnt get me many, or any but that was fine at the time because i just loved being in his presence.
but mother was right, beauty doesnt last forever. and he had nothing really going on his life. he wasnt interesting. i downplayed a lot of what i had going on but not to make him feel better but because i tricked myself.
he didnt give me much of his attention or time but when he did, oh man that was a ride that i clung onto. he didnt show me off or showed me how or why he loved me. very minimal effort so of course the spark started to fade away, hence why i ended things. but man i gave him my all.
and i am afraid no one will experience that type of love from me again.
the thought of beginning a new chapter with someone else leaves me feeling jaded. Its exhausting to think about how much effort i would have to put into someone new.
anyways i dont need advice really just sharing this to leave my chest because i feel so alone with moving on. we broke up 6 years ago and i am grieving. I am grieving how i poured so much into him when he wasnt even my person. the person id spent forever with, but at the time i thought i wouldve. im aggravated because i wish i could take back my love and have the energy to give it to someone different. someone more deserving. someone who could pour back into me through ways that would leave me feeling refreshed.
just one day. lets see. wish me luck and ty for reading this far. LOL