u/OptionMany2926

Im afraid to waste time.

I already wasted 10 years of my life with someone who wasn't worthy. I don't want to waste another second on someone else for it to be the same way.

You can sit and show me love, affection, care, and effort but I've "saw" those things before. So how do I know it's all real?

Yea, you proposed... but I'm terrified to trust it. I can't tell if it's my intuition screaming at me or if it's my trauma undoing me.

Would you really truly do that? Would you sit here and let me waste my time, knowing that I've struggled so hard to pick up the pieces from my past?

I could never do that to someone. I'd rather hurt myself and leave before going through that ever again.

I'd rather shut down and cut you off. I'd rather pretend you never existed. I'd rather my mind erase the love you gave to me and go back to knowing what it never felt like to actually be loved. I'd rather you be an almost. I'd rather stay single.

This post is to noone and everyone. To all of you here that are thinking things won't get better. Those going through heartbreak, especially those who stayed with someone who couldn't even give the bare minimum. It gets better. It's been a year and 7 months since I left my ex of ten years. I was heartbroken, my entire world changed. I put myself in therapy and I took it day by day. I met someone else and initially never anticipated it going anywhere. However, we've just continued to grow. Some may think it's too soon, but as of 2 days ago, we are engaged! It took me 37 years to find the one. It took heartbreak. It took my entire life changing. For 10 years I stayed in a relationship where the bare minimum was too much and affection (non existent.) I kept asking God for things to get better, and God kept showing me that staying was never going to give me that result. Affection is now constant, I don't open doors, I don't get left behind. He helps me with laundry that isn't even his. He helps me cook. When we aren't around each other he sends multiple texts, he let's me know where he is going (not out of obligation, out of respect.) We are a team and there is no I in team.. although there is an I and I love him!

I don't know why, but it drives me absolutely crazy when people write/type/ message with unfinished or random sentences that make zero sense.

Example: and yea it was so (but no context before or after.) Or a random line that makes absolutely no sense to the paragraph. It's like their brain goes "SQUIRREL" and forgets what they are writing or trying to write. A ton of jumbled sentences and phrases that have zero meaning and don't go together.

So the time when we,

And then there was that,

And we saw the thing,

And your eyes are,

And you know I just do,

And oh yea I love you.

​

Like WHAT!??

FORM A COHERENT SENTENCE. ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO COME UP WITH RANDOM WORDS TO MAKE A PARAGRAPH? It's worse when they throw in big words and try to sound all smart and sophisticated, yet every fucking sentence sounds like the example above!! Not only does it seem like their brain goes "squirrel" its like they are in school and trying to come up with a 100 words for a 100 word essay. They just put words and sentences that are incomplete, make zero sense and added in after the fact with no context!! I see it so much on here and it is seriously mind boggling.

I'm not saying my grammar is perfect, but damn at least try to make it readable.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk!

​

This is for men and women alike, but the sentiment is more geared towards men, since I have been on the other side. You talk about "dead bedrooms" "wife just leaving out of nowhere" "wife/ girlfriend nagging you." These are all things that started from somewhere. As a working mom, who would get off work and go, go, go until 3am sometimes, while dad just got off work and got to relax.

Give me a second, I'm going to explain.

Women don't have a choice most of the time, (and if you're a present, helpful father, this doesn't apply to you. ) When a man leaves the house, he doesn't have to ask if the mother will watch the kids. He just goes. When a woman leaves the house, she is expected to take the children, or has to ask the father to "watch" them. When/if they are "watching" them, they aren't present, the kids trash the house and that is more work she has to come home to.

Men are sexual beings, women are are emotional beings. If she is constantly overwhelmed, stressed, etc she can not pour from an empty cup. This also goes for stay at home mom's, when you (the man) gets off work you want to chill, but when does her job end? When you do a good job at work, you get praise. Do you praise your wife when you get home? No, you expect it from her. You likely get 2 days off a week, she gets zero. If you want a healthy relationship, maybe give her a full day a month to reset. You all are so quick to jump online, seek validation and give other women validation but you can't put in some work for your family?

Try this, when you get home, say "honey, I'm going to relax for 1 hour, but then I'm yours if you need anything." Don't go over that hour, stick to your word. In 1 hour, go up to her and ask if there is something you could do to lighten the load, chances are she will give you a very small task, but it will be big and meaningful to her! One less thing on an exhausted mom's to do list, feels like gold. Watch her mood shift. Tell her she's doing a great job, even when the house is a mess, because chances are, she's cleaned things you didn't notice; drawers, under bed, making sure you have clean work clothes, she's scheduled appointments, she's figured out all the school events. There are alot of things that you men don't see.

Take her to dinner at least every few weeks, or go on a walk, hold her hand, and above all else, reassure her that you are a team and she can lean on you as a partner when needed. Run her a bath, and actually occupy the children until she gets out of the bath. This woman chose you as her partner and the father of her children. Women can't feel emotionally safe if she constantly has to lead. Men are supposed to be the leaders, the problem solvers, chances are you can solve any problem if you pay attention. Appreciate the person you vowed to spend your life with and she will appreciate you 10 fold.

And to the women, love your man, hug him, show him affection, not all men will say it, but they need reassurance too. They are taught that through sex, but there are other ways to stimulate his mind. Tell him your proud of him, tell him he's gorgeous, tell him you crave him.

I left a partner who could not for the life of him understand my emotional needs, and it's because he never cared to listen. If you truly want a turn around, give them love in their love language, not yours, and I promise you your lives will change. Your relationship can go back to the way it was pre kids, if your only willing to put as much work into it as you do messaging other women, and watching porn.

If you are going to seek out other women and external validation, just leave her. Yes it will hurt her at first, but in the end it may save her. Not only will she find someone who is willing to be the man and lead, but she will find herself, because if she's going to do it alone beside you, she might as well do it alone and without you. At least now I get a break 8 days a month, I have an opportunity to take care of me during those 8 days, which in turn makes me a better mother. I couldn't keep pouring from an empty cup, I fill my own cup now and my children's, and I don't have to clean up after another full grown adult.

Edited to add: if she says she doesn't need help, don't believe her. Sometimes there are things you can do without her having to ask/ tell you. If she feels put on the spot chances are her exhausted/ overwhelmed brain won't even be able to think of something you can help with. She has other things she needs to remember/ think about. You see that kids candy wrapper on the floor you've walked by 12 times, pick it up. Trash can full? Take it out. Groceries needing put away, step in. There are many ways you can help without asking. But you know what? She had 17 items in her brain on a list and an order she was going to do it in, when it gets to item 15 and she realizes the wrapper is picked up, it will help. 16, trash is taken out? Confusion. 17, groceries put away!? A huge smile. Because for once someone finally took care of her and her needs. She spends so much time caring for you, the kids, the house, the pets, she needs someone to care and notice her!

Just because you hide something, doesn't mean it can't be "seen." Just because you delete something, doesn't mean it's "gone." It's like when your dog steps in mud and the mud dries, their little footprint is still in the dirt. Your little digital footprint is still there, right down in the dirt. What's done in the dark always comes to light.