u/Organic-Loquat8679

My mother has decided she's going to go back to school (liberal arts degree, lmfao) now that all my siblings are out of the house. She has shared this news with us like we'll find it exciting- after years of homeschooling, of neglect, of her and my father gaslighting us all into thinking they know best.

I hope she crashes and burns in school. I hope she realizes how much tougher the real world is, and how it has no resemblance to the little homeschooling bubble she sealed herself in for 20 years. I hope she realizes she isn't half as smart as she manipulated us all into believing, and any successes my siblings and I have had were in spite of her best efforts, not because of them.

It's a bad feeling. I'm extremely bitter. She has no idea the extent of damage she did by homeschooling. I know she thinks going back to school is a great accomplishment for her, but here I am hoping it goes as badly as possible for her.

Or really, any role model in my home life. Clearly my mother is delusional enough to think "homeschooling" was anything real (I have to put it in quotes now, or else it feels like I'm acknowledging "homeschooling" as anything resembling either real school or a proper home), and my father was too weak- willed to stand up against a not- particularly- bright woman with personality disorders ruining his child's life. How am I supposed to model myself after that as a man and not feel like a totally spineless wimp?

It never clicked for me how deeply abusive and damaging Homeschooling was until embarrassingly late. Maybe that's just a byproduct of how much I buried my own feelings and refused to acknowledge them, for fear of upsetting my all-knowing parents. Even close to 20 years after getting away from them, I was still trying to humor their insane way of doing things.

Something changed in the past 2 years- my parents were going on a rant about their own shitty parents, with the general tone being "we never did that as parents!" Except they did. They were listing all the shitty things my grandparents did- being critical, being neglectful, never really supporting their creative endeavors- without realizing that they turned around and did all of those things in their own way.

They're white liberals, so their version of homeschooling was "better" than the insane fundy christians that "give homeschooling a bad name." Trying to analyze and break down how they could have thought homeschooling was a good idea has caused me to become an outright worse person. Realizing homeschooling is almost always driven by the mother being unable to function in the real world has made me far more sexist than I ever was in the past. I feel like I lost all respect for my father, knowing that he could have pushed back more against the idea of homeschooling, but somehow couldn't find the strength to stand up against a woman with personality disorders. I hate that we grew up poor because my mom tricked people into thinking homeschooling was a real job, instead of getting an actual job and helping to pay the bills. I hate that everyone around me thinks my parents are chill, good people- that they're "smart," when in reality they're both just narcissists who need to pull everyone down to their level to feel superior.

They spent years making me feel dumb, small and like I didn't deserve to get something that almost every other child on earth gets to have. They made me feel like it was my fault that I didn't understand things about the real world, since they always presented homeschooling as a "choice"- while also threatening me with it as a punishment anytime I supposedly misbehaved. I don't understand how two adults could have treated children that way.

I hate how much of myself I see in them, and I hate the person I've become since realizing my entire upbringing was a sham. I don't want to be this person- I used to be more open, happier, more tolerant of other people. Now I fear getting baby trapped, I fear losing my mind at some point, I fear having to deal with my parents for another few decades, I hate not being strong enough to tell them how much they fucked up and how little I want them in my life anymore. I don't want to go about life feeling this way, feeling so closed- minded and hateful as a reaction against their decisions. I want to be able to tell younger homeschooling victims that it does get better, but I can't even convince myself of that any more.

When I was 16, I wanted to run away. I never had the courage too, but at one point it came up with an argument with my mom, and she was completely shocked and broken by the idea. I wish I had just run away then, at least causing some actual trouble might have woken them up to how wrong they are. Instead, I was always a "good" obedient kid, and now I realize that allowed them to think they were good parents.

I was raised by the "other" type of Homeschool parents- not the insane christians that don't want their kids to learn about dinosaurs or evolution, but the kind of white liberals that think they know what's best for everyone. Unfortunately the friends they made in the homeschooling community were of the same breed, which created a cult- like condition- of course what they were doing was "better" than those other homeschoolers- because they "weren't" doing it for religious reasons; they simply knew better than the entire schooling system. I don't think they'll ever realize that materially, they're the same thing- you're stealing your kid's childhood and failing them educationally either way. To anyone outside of the homeschooling bubble with more than two brain cells, they can probably recognize the whole thing as just being child abuse re- branded for white people with personality disorders- but if you surround yourself with enough of those same people, you won't even notice it- as is the case with as any cult.

Still on the first island and I'm loving it. Also can't believe online is still accessible on ps3, amazing ghost town vibes.