u/Original-Loon-135

I'll preface this by admitting, I got very little sleep last night.

But it has been a long hard week, and I wish (like always) I was financially independent so I could be single and live alone.

This morning I was watching the first episode of a financial documentary called Generational Wealth (pretty good, btw,) but the narrator (a photographer) was telling about a moment when her son was still newish, and she got offered a gig at her job to send her to China for 10 days.. and she cried about how other female photographers chose to not have kids, and she was grieving that her career was about to go down the toilet. Her husband stepped in and said she should go, he would take off of work and care for their baby while she went to China.

I paused because I had started crying, because where are guys like this now??

I've got a husband who brought himself home a drink this morning and conveniently forgot I'd asked for one as well.

I hate being his wife.

Hello fellow night owls. I make $54k a year, but it's a fairly high cost of living area. I might be looking at a divorce and my husband makes a lot more than I do.

The biggest problem with my career trajectory has been personality-limitations. I always work hard at my job, my bosses like me, I've gotten a 5 out of 5 score the last two years in a row at this job, etc etc. BUT.... I am horrible at getting there on time because I can't fall asleep early, or wake up early, to save my life.

I'm also an introvert, so jobs involving phones or the general public or children or schmoozing are an absolute no-go. I *can* do the chipper polite thing for 8 hours but then I feel like a zombie (was in banking for a long time in my 20s and really despised it.)

I can't/don't want to code etc.

I'm a woman in my late 30s. Aaaaany really super random ideas at all on jobs that are like... 12pm to 8pm and decent-paying?? Or even night jobs? But like $60k or more?

I feel like I'm just going to have to start my own business and choose a different kind of hard, but also insurance in the US is so expensive without a corporation subsidizing it...

I don't know. Any ideas???

I have posted in the DivorcedWomen thread, but it seems like 2 things are happening in there that don't apply to my situation: Half of the women are well-off enough that getting divorced wasn't financially that big of a deal. OR, I get the "yeah I'm less well-off but it was SO worth not being abused." Which is fair.

I am neither well-paid at my job, nor am I abused.

My husband IS an alcoholic. He is just an avoidant one, not an angry one. He makes about 60% of our household income (which last year was 6 figures after bonuses), so we are doing okay financially. I make about $54k base, but pay a lot for my medical insurance. I bring home about $2,800 when it's all said and done. (North Texas. Not awful but not great.)

Anyway, husband earns a lot but started drinking at work and drove home drunk one day. Apparently wasnt the only time. He fights with his boss. He has gotten more bull-headed and argumentative overall.

I don't want to be married to him anymore because I don't respect him, he has lied and gaslit me too much, and I'm not attracted to him anymore. For me, it's 10000% over and there isn't enough couples therapy or apologies in the world to get me to warm back up to him.

But leaving is... scary. I will be poor, I think. I will have barely any runway. I think I will owe more in bills than I earn.

I've been broke before... but I never wanted to go back. And I've never been broke while living alone.

I also have a kid in college I want to be a safe landing space for, so I can'r really go scortched earth and just make a studio apartment work.

Any reality checks you guys could give me? Should I plan on multiple jobs? I think I would earn too much for government assistance, which is a huge kick in the teeth.

I'm just staring down the barrell of poverty and it's scary.

Anything helps, even the bad stuff. Thanks

I took my high school graduate on a senior trip. My husband (not my kids father) stayed home because of work and dogs and whatnot.

We were gone a week, but as soon as we got back (within 24 hours), I noticed some blatant things:

1. I had way more energy on the trip. Maybe it was just the new stuff/sights.. but as soon as I got home, I felt uninspired and unmotivated again. Our house feels like a drain, not a cozy respite.

2. I am way larger in all our photos than I thought I was. I have put on SO much weight since my husbands drinking got out of control and came into the light. I need to find other ways to handle stress, because apparently Ive been eating my feelings. (I weighed 55 lbs less in 2020 than I do today. Real bad.)

3. Husband was way more drunk than usual. The dog was creating a ruckus in the room after they both (husband and dog, we do not share a bedroom anymore,) went to bed. Went to get the dog because he obviously needed outside again to potty and husband wasnt bringing him out. Husband was so drunk, he was more 'passed out' than 'asleep.' When he finally kind of woke up while I was bringing the dog back into his room, his eyes were crossed, he was so drunk. So apparently he has upped his intake while we were away.

I wish I could just financially support myself.

So, basically, my husband makes more than I do. About $95k to my $54k. We have a little bit of debt left that I've been paying off, should be credit card debt free in a couple of months. Then there is a car loan with $6k left and a 401k loan for $28k that is on a 5-year plan we will probably just leave alone unless we sell our house. Expecting about $120k equity in the house.

I have a kid in college, he has two kids in college, no kids together.

My problem is, he isn't a terrible person but he is an active alcoholic and not at all the kind of husband I thought I would end up with. I'm highly creative, get excited about the holidays still, I like doing new things. I have a large family and a handful of close friends, thankfully, and I have a good relationship with my daughter. I have a lot of hobbies and I enjoy life for the most part. (Less when I am around him though.)

My husband is the opposite. He has no friends, has some family he doesnt even talk to, doesn't seem to really like the family he does still talk to, hardly ever sees his kids even though they like 35 minutes away. He has no hobbies, never has anything interesting to talk about. We don't go do things together anymore because he is just boring and he would rather be drinking. He isnt abusive, he doesn't say mean things to me.. but man can he suck the energy and livliness out of a room. His emotions are repressed, so he gets excited about nothing ever. (His therapist at rehab diagnosed him with Avoidant Personality Disorder, which totally checks out, and is also probably why he drinks.) After he left rehab a couple of years ago, he went back to drinking and lying and gaslighting, which ruined any chance of me ever reconciling with him because I don't deserve to be treated like that. He also told me flat-out that being sober wasn't for him. I responded that being married to an alcoholic wasn't for me.

That was a year ago and we haven't discussed it since. Naturally, he has avoided the topic. He still drinks alone in his room and I still live my life.

Here is my issue- I want to divorce him and get my own place. I want to have a home that is bright and cheerful, where I can invite friends and family over (I cant do that currently.. our house feels like a tomb.) I am a total introvert and any time my husband leaves on business trips, I feel so great having the house all to myself. I get to watch whatever I want, listen to whatever music, and I dont get interrupted with stupid questions etc.

BUT.... I don't know if I can afford to live on my own. I probably could get a tiny apartment if I didn't put money away for retirement anymore. But that seems even more stupid than just staying with a guy who is just an uncomfortable roommate.

I also feel like I'm suffocating a bit though. I just don't know if leaving is me jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire?

And LOGICALLY I know the liklihood of him continuing to be an active alcoholic and financial contributor is real low. He is bound to lose his job. He drank at work one day and drove home drunk (I told him if he ever did it again, I'd call the police on him myself. He is lucky he didnt kill anyone. He was definitely over the legal limit at 5pm on a Wednesday. What a selfish moron.)

Anyway, I guess the support Im asking for is... I dont have a college degree. I work in finance and probably could get a slightly better paying job, but I also dont really love corporate and my dream is to own my own stationary business.

How do I live if I leave? (Living with family is not an option.) I dont know. I feel like I'm on a boat with a bomb thats ticking but the timer is broken so I have no idea how long I have before it detonates, and it's either me standing there hoping the boat makes it to shore so I can get off nicely before it explodes, OR I just jump off the boat into shark infested waters and hope I don't get eaten.

Anyway, any advice is welcome and appreciated ❤️

I wont get into it all. You guys know the drill. Lots of stuff wrong with our marriage, found out he was an alcoholic 2 years ago, (light-bulbs went on and things started to make more sense, lots of ah-ha! Moments)... Then he wanted to go to rehab. Huzzah! Relapsed before we even had the rehab center paid off. Gaslighting ensued. Lying. Drinking in secret. Trying to guilt-trip me about spotting his drinking. Then in November he drove home drunk from work. (We had a heart-to-heart where I told him very seriously that if he ever drove home drunk again, I'd call the cops on him myself.)

Anyway, long story short. I'm over it. I just turned 40. I didn't plan on babysitting a grown man as an adult. I enjoy my own company, I have a large family, good friends. I don't need him. I'd like to just get divorced.

Problem is.. he makes about 60% of our household income and we live in a semi-high cost of living area. I have a daughter (not his) who just turned 18, so no more child support from her dad. But she needs a homebase while in college. And I can't really afford a 2 bedroom apartment in a not-dangerous area for us. I'm not even fancy (my car is a decade old, etc.)

But the loss of income is a big deal.

Which logically doesn't even make sense because if he is drinking at work, the other shoe will drop at some point I'm sure. I can be broke alone or broke while supporting an active alcoholic.

I get that the risk is always higher with an out-of-control alcoholic spouse since you have less control over decisions and finances, and way more volitility.

Yet.... I'm afraid the divorce is going to cause me to be homeless at 70 or something. I don't know.

Any wisdom or opinions or advice is welcome and appreciated.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk lol

So. I'm a new poster. My husband and I have been together 17 years now. We have had a lot of issues (a lot) but I got to a point where I assumed all of it was just me. I'm the one who went hard-in-the-paint on everything. I'm the one who wanted more sex, more connection, more intimacy, more fun, more more more. He, meanwhile? No yelling, no anger issues, no ignoring me, no cheating, no abuse, no name-calling.. we didn't even fight about money, you guys. He just handed his paychecks over and trusted me to handle all the finances, his and mine. Nothing was "wrong," but also.. nothing felt right either. He always told me he was sorry, but was often defensive, and nothing ever changed. I was over a decade with this guy and it still felt like I was living with a stranger. He was about as deep as a puddle of water in a parking lot.

2 years ago, I finally went full throttle and said, after a long couple of days of silence post-argument about I dont even remember what..... I said "I don't understand why you even hate me so much."

I didn't even want to go out with him in the beginning. HE pursued ME. He is the one who chased me and convinced me to date him, convinced me to move in with him 3 months after being together. (I was young, 22 and with a new baby. A single mom and scared.)

Anyway...... after I said I didn't understand why he hated me so much, he admitted he doesn't hate me.. he hates himself. Found out he was a pretty severe alcoholic and had been for about a decade. (By this point, 2024, we didn't even share a bedroom anymore and hadn't had sex in 2 years because I had stopped initiating it. So I wasn't close enough to him anymore to notice the booze. And again... he wasn't angry or loud. He was quiet.)

He went to rehab once, and I knew our marriage was over by the second week he was in there. My dad had been admitted to the hospital for health issues right after my husband went into rehab. I was caring for my daughter, all our pets, working overtime at my full-time job, visiting my dad's hospital when I could after work and on the weekend..... and yet, my newly sober husband was on the phone with me that fateful day. And all he did the whole phone call was complain about himself. About the nurses he didn't like, about how he didn't approve of the way they doled out meds, of not really liking his roommate, etc. Just total complaining about all his hardships.. hardships HE had caused himself. We ended the call and I sat there with my disconnected phone, staring at it, realizing that he had not once asked me how I was doing. He didn't ask how I was holding up, shouldering our entire life by myself. He didn't ask how my dad was doing. He didn't ask how I was feeling, or about my stress. He didn't think of me at all. And I knew then that he was just a selfish person and the liquor wasn't to blame for our issues.

While in rehab, a therapist diagnosed him with an avoidant personality. (So many pieces fell into place for me.) After rehab, he was back to drinking before we even had the rehab place paid off. I confronted him about it one last time. After a bunch of lies and back and forth, he finally admitted he had been drinking again. Then he said "Being sober isn't the life for me."

I responded, "Being the wife of an alcoholic isn't the life for me."

After that, we fell into an old rhythm that was also new. I stopped asking for attention, or connection, or love. We are roommates now. He is happy as a clam just going to his room to drink after work. He is in a good mood a lot now, like this is his perfect life. People in his house to talk to when he is bored and lonely, but he gets to drink as much as he wants and doesn't have to pretend to be a husband anymore.

My daughter graduates high school next week.

I've spent the last 12 months aggressively paying down debt. I have 4 months left until our credit cards are paid off. I think we could sell our house and I could walk away with $40k in equity after his car is paid off and a 401k loan he has. I would get about $35k in retirement funds from him because I make so much less that his retirement account is in the 6-figures and mine is tiny.

But thats the crux of my issue... my income.

I don't have a college degree. I'm an introvert so although I work well with others and don't mind speaking up in meetings, energetically I just can't manage emotionally-draining jobs like client-facing or sales.

I only make $55k a year in Texas, and $600 a month of that is just health insurance for my daughter and I. I have looked, and I can't afford a 2 bedroom apartment anywhere.. everyone wants you to make 3x the monthly rate just to rent to you. I dont make that.

Our home currently is smallish (less than 2k sqft,) but I have a garden and an office and the master bedroom/bathroom all to myself.

I don't understand how I would leave and start over. I want to be a safe landing place for my newly-adult daughter. I want to be able to help her in college. I want to have a backyard for my dog and a garden. And I want to do all of this without sacrificing retirement savings.

My biggest fear is being the pigeon lady in Central Park from Home Alone 2.

I work a white-collar office job, so I know thats an unlikely scenario, but.....

I just don't know how to leave in a way that doesn't feel like I'm cutting both of my own legs off at the knees..

To everyone who left and thrives, how did you do it? How did you afford to take care of yourself without working yourself into an early grave?

At this point, every joyful moment is tainted in the sadness that I picked someone who cares more about his own needs and comforts.. but even in my darker moments, it feels silly to trade them in for a tiny apartment and a life trajectory where I hit 70 and still don't have enough to retire.

And I'm exhausted going around in circles every day trying to find a 3rd option, like a rat chewing on the bars of its cage.

I don't have family money, I don't have a college degree, I don't have a winning personality that's going to win people over and earn me money somehow that way...

I just don't know what to do.

How did you guys blow up your whole lives and find yourselves standing on top of the rubble instead of buried underneath it???