u/Original-Produce-302

Re*ders are the worst type of people. There you go, writing a story you enjoy, then BAM! A re*ader comes along to ruin your words with inane obversations and witticisms that the re*der thinks makes it clever. A re*der will ruin your works of magnificant art, finding "hidden messages," "problematic ideas," and blame you for "opening its eyes to the power of incest." Re*ders are scum and should never enjoy anymore moments of life. Kill all re*ders, I say (in Fortnite 2)! Writers rise up! Let the tyrrany of the re*der end today!

Hi everyone. Long story short, I need some quick cash and I won't do anything illegal. Essentially I'm in a bind where I owe a Nigerian Prince 16.2 million USD (Universal Standard Deviation), and my only way to get that is to write! The big twist is, I don't *want* to write. I don't even *like* writing. Words are stupid, numbers make sense. It's why I'm an accountant.

But the crazy world we live in just won't let me escape Word! At the office, "Hey Steve, Microsoft Word isn't working;" at church, "Let us preach the Good Word;" telling my wife I spent her breast reduction money to help a Nigerian Prince gain his throne back from Capitalist Rebels, "Oh, word?" I can't escape it.

So I come to you now in my desperate hour of need: help me by writing my novel for me. It must be good enough to allow me to pay back the Nigerian Prince AND allow me to never work another day in ny life again BUT not enough to fund my wife's breast destruction surgery. If she does, our herd of cows will starve. And our kids. And me.

No pressure.

I've just flipped writing conventions on their heads and rewrote the book on writing. Check out my new novel featuring The Greggian Way of Writing:

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But maybe the real treasure was the darlings we killed along the way.

A lot of you losers complain about "not having enough time to write," or "it's hard to get started writing," and "being unable to put my thoughts on this piece of paper." This is bad. This is beyond bad.

1. You all lack discipline. What you have to do is plant yourself at your writing space, handcuff yourself to the pencil or keyboard AND then your other arm to the desk/table and then, and only then, will you be able to focus. If this is hard, ask a friend or hire someone on Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace to stand behind you with a gun levelled at your head during writing time, ready to blow your head into red mist the second you stop writing.

Part 2: you have to set goals for yourself, but not sissy goals like, "1 page a day." No, you have to set your bar higher yhan that, a minimum of 100 pages a day is a start, but shoot for 1,000 pages per day to really prove it to your ADD diagnosing doctor. Also, never skip a single day. "But Will," you say, "I have 6 wives and 2 children who need my attention and care and love, I can't ignore them for 100 pages a day!" Yes you can. Children grow up fine without parental affection, look at Andrew Tate, the Alphaest Male out there. Your kids will thank you for turning them into Beasts. Your wives will also froth in their loins for you, BUT STAY STRONG! The vagina is a murderer of productivity! Do not be enticed by the allure of it's comforting walls and inviting warmth. Once your penis is enveloped by loving intimacy, you will not ever be able to write again!

3rd tip: Ignore the urge to defecate and urinate. Studies show that over 80% of a man's day involves expelling waste. Simply do not do this. You can release your bowels when you've hit your daily writing target, though I seriously recommend to keep writing until the pain of keeping it in sends you to the ER. This trick also helps you score drugs, which are God's Gift to writers.

4. Don't. Do. Drugs. Performing enhancing steroids are illegal for a reason.

5. Don't worry about copyright infringement. Lawyers are sad and pathetic creatures. Simply ignore any legal figure attempting to waylay you with distractions like subpeonas, FOIA requests, settlement offers. Your gun buddy from Step A is a great tool for keeping The "Law" from getting involved.

6. 2 packs of hamburgers.

7. Hamburger buns.

8. Irish Cheddar (sliced) enough for 8 burgers.

9. Your ideas are *fantastic*. Never second guess yourself. Never do research. Go with your gut and never waste a second thinking something is wrong. The sky IS green. Ants ARE mammals. Hitler WON World War 3. You're always right, it's the world that's wrong. Anyone who says otherwise should complain to your Gun Buddy.

10. Financing your lifestyle to focus on writing is super simple, just go back to 2010 and invest in Bitcoin. If this is immoral in your eyes, go back in time to 2002 and take out short positions on the Housing Market collapsing. Listen to Christian Bale in The Big Short. Money is easy to come by! Just don't worry about it!

And there you go. One man's simple rules for becoming an Alpha Writing Chad. To those of you women who claim to also write and think my advice is too "penis centric:" women can't be writers, so either give up or become a man to fully actualize your potential.

Please remember to tip your writing advisor (me).

I never learned to write in school because I drew pornography of the girls in my class instead of paying attention to "what letters are." It's not creepy! Leonardo DiCaprio did it, too! And since I was bad at drawing, no one could tell who they were! Prison sucked.

Regardless, I am now 44 years old and had to use speech to text to ask you all how to write. How do I write? How do I begin to write?

Hey everyone! I'm worried that someone stole this idea from me so I'm going to lay it down in depth and then you can tell me if I can sue someone for plagiarism. Here goes:

Once upon a time there was a boy who was orphaned in A Big Wizard War and then was adopted by his family who abused him for years forcing him to live in a cupboard. This boy, however, is not mentally or emotionally or physically stunted due to the abuse and is very self confident and always does the "Right Thing." Anyways, he turns 10 and discovers he can talk to snakes and then he's sent numerous letters delivered by owls telling him he's a wizard and has to report to school because the book takes place in 1984 England and they make sure to separate the correct ingroup of magic users and the non-magical "muggles." Anyways, he then goes to school and meets a girl he doesn't ever get feelings for despite having insane personal chemistry with, and also meets an Irish boy from a poor family of Irishmen because this is 1984 England and later on I'm going to reference The Troubles where the Irish boy's family wages war on the Wizarding World's bureaucracy machine. But for now that hasn't happened yet and anyways the main character is absolutely amazing and fantastic and doesn't need any help whatsoever and eventually kills the Dark Lord of Wizardry as they duel with their wands (non-sexually, believe me guys) anyways, the muggles routinely get their memories erased and yes, there's this huge dystopian bent to the bureaucratic nightmare of post-WW2 England, but rest assured the hero boy wizard lives and does everything right and never does anything wrong and I foresee this series being 8 books long (splitting the last book into 2 parts) and being a cultural powerhouse where the annoying kids of an entire generation devote their lives and existences to pretending they live in Pig Zits (the name of the school in my novel.)

The main character is Harry Marijuanahead Styles and he has a joint-shaped scar on his forehead and his pothead parents smoked some really bad dope, which Harry will be told relentlessly by adults around him reminding him to "miss him with that Indo weed," almost like every single book. Eventually he'll go out with every hot girl at the school, but not the girl that makes the most sense for him because she's not as attractive as the other girls, but sing his girl friend soul songs about "what makes her beautiful," and, "Night Changes," which is about how he's going to use her as a human pawn in his plans to avenge his dead parents.

In the second book, I'm going to have Harry Marijuanahead Styles take out a snake in a girl's bathroom infront of a ghost girl and heavily imply that the two of them had beyond the grave sex, but it's okay because he's really mature for his age (see how he doesn't even try to murder his adoptive family for being mean to him) and she's like 65 (but in the form of a 12 year old ghost, so it's totally okay.)

In book 3, I'm going to have the school be taken over by Grim Reapers that do nothing, book 4 features a tournament that Harry Marijuanahead Styles is ineligible to participate in, yet participates in it because he's just that universally loved, and in book 5, I'm going to have the Banking Clans (you know the kinds of people I really mean) take over the school, and then in book 6, he's gonna discover that the guy who hates him the most really loved his mom when they went to school together, so yeah, I've got the incel market covered too.

Oh, I'm also going to make every single character black and/or gay after publishing the books so that people think I'm a really good person so I don't have to be progressive in the book and can sell it to right-wingers on Twitter.

So yeah, has anyone done this yet? I've checked Brandon Sanderson's bibliography, and I am unaware of any other fantasy writers because I'm a huge Warhammer Fantasy Battles fan and Games Workshop's fantasy novels are all about a man and a dwarf having sex with hot girls of every fantasy race everywhere they go.

OH, ADDED CONTEXT: I have been in a coma since 1995.

Hi, Fellow Autors! First, I want to preface the following screed with a disclaimer: I am not gay.

That being said, let me begin with some context. It was a sultry winter month in April when I got the call from Random Penguin Publishing. Stephen King had just died after being found guilty of writing child pornography in It, and Random Penguin Publishing was looking for a new Number #1 Mystery Bestseller and if I was willing to take up the mantle of Stephen King.

At this point, I need to start a little further back to provide some much needed context. In 1992, I was born. It was a bad year for crops, N'sync wouldn't form yet until 1982, but more importantly, times were tough. You have to remember, this was 8 years before the Dot Com Bubble, so you know time was scarce. So anyways, we had no money and when I made it to school, I couldn't afford to finish my sentences. I had to stop buying periods to use eclamation marks instead. So I grew up not having the habit of having periods in my writing.

Fast forward to 2001: 9/11 happened and my 3rd grade teacher told me exclamation marks were now "ultra not woke and that I'd be sent to the gulags for using them, which sparked the endless comma era of my life, unless I dared to ask questions, which is anti-intellectual.

So, you can see how when Random Penguin Publishing reached out to me to become the new Neil Gaiman, but without the problematic texting with underage girls, I'd be hesitant to embark on that adventure, especially since having periods is cultural appropriation from women and I am a Lizardman who rules the Earth.

TLDR: is it okay for a Lizardman to have periods when he's not a woman while writing.

Thank you for your time, I look forward to all your well-thought out responses.

Hi all, I have a story about lesbians having lesbomatic sex. Just absolute lesmaxxing. The four lesbians in this erotically charged novel who are pleasuring each other, quiverring their way to orgasm every single page. These breasts **boob.**

However, as a man with Breast Vision, I am aware that lesbians are different (mainly having massive sweater puppies) so like I have some questions:

1. how do lesbians have sex without a man? Is such a thing even possible?

2. do lesbians ever get tired of boobplay? My heart says no, but a buddy of mine says that lesbians focus their "G-Spots." (Not sure what gravitational forces mean asides from calling lesbians over 110 pds fat)

3. if this "G-Spot" is a real thing, do lesbians even care about it when having boobsex with each other, or is that something lesbians only care about when having sex with men?

4. are lesbians actually women?

Thank you for your attention in this matter. I already have 42,067 pages written and I would hate having to rewrite even one single word.

Only respond if your a women! No men! Grrr!

Basicly, Im writng a novel about a wombman who has breasts and all the other girl stuff but as a icky boy without girl stuff I cant right it good. So like tell me what being girl is like, and boobs and pls show dont tell thanks!

The plot is about a woman who works at a sewage treatment planet overrun with tigers that can talk in American USD and she and her coworkers (also women, because men are icky and gross haha no man does waste management) are all single and because the tigers are rich and from foreigh countries, the women fall in love and have all the tigers babies. Is this realistic?

Hello, it's me. Longtime writer, lifelong virgin. Some of you may be aware of my soon to be hit novel, but unlike the rest of you hack clowns, I'm not in it for the money, only for the sex from real girls who want to bear my children because I have the soul of a tortured poet.

I wrote about a hot G cup girl with cancer, which is total chick magnesium. See here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/writingcirclejerk/comments/1u696wj/comment/orwa2hd/?context=1&screen_view_count=2

So. At what point in the process do I finally get laid?

Hey everyone, longtime writer, first time writing. Long story short, I have this story bursting out of me that's about a woman (with G-cups) who gets cancer (in said G-cups) and has to go on an epic quest to find The Elixir of Life so she can avoid surgery AND also keep them perky forever. Along the way, she'll have to fight vampires, pirates, pirate vampires, vampire pirates, orcs, fascists, fascist vampire pirates, her internalized misogyny, 16 different groups of communists (all Stalinists), a rowdy bunch of Mad Max Midgets, vampire pirate dwarfs, and also time travel forward into World War 2 (she's from The Age of Cavemen, but shaves her armpits because she's modern like that) and stop the Allies from joining Literal Hitler because she's also a psychic and knows that Wilt Chamberlain and Demi Lovato are totally down to join the Third Reich and need a Strong Female Voice to tell them to Just Say No. I'm glossing over the 600-year-Goblin War where the she helps the Goblin King find true love and the subterranean plot featuring the 9001 year old dragon princess whose body hasn't grown past her 8 year old size (legit medical condition, don't at me) attempts to trigger volcanic eruptions the size of 10 billion Vesuviussies in revenge for her father (Vernon Supreme) losing the 2016 election. Yes, it's a real fantasy novel I am struggling to write.

Now, I have been writing justly for minutes now, and I've also shown not told anything, and I even am writing what I know, but I'm suffering from severe writer's block and haven't made it past:

"The"

Please help me Reddit! You're my only hope!

Spoiler: That Star Wars reference was made to make you feel like the mentor of my personal Hero Journey who must die for me to achieve full arousal, I mean complete quest.

I can only pay you in exposure right now, but once I make $666 billion, I for sure can pay you in money.

Edit: for brevity.

Edit 2: it's been 10 entire minutes, why haven't any of you helped me yet!?!?!?!

Edit 3: fine, love doesn't conquer all I guess.

So yeah, I'm a total virgin at this, but should writing be this hard? I've had a word document open and it just says "Chapter One." I have a story bursting out, but it's more like me vomiting ideas at anyone who walks within 5 feet of me in my indie coffee shop where I write so people know I'm a writer.

Reading isn't this hard at all. I read Run, Spot, Run after a whole week in kindergarten AND The Great Gatsby in 6 minutes after asking ClokGPT to summarize it for me and I totally understand 1984: "the people I don't like are evil."

So what am I doing wrong here? Should I write my story about how a vampire ninja doctor that's a 10 year old Indian (forehead jewel kind, no offence, I'm British and we owned India so it's okay for me to say that) boy dating a 27 year old timetravelling werewolf with ginormous fur covered boobies with a talking car that thinks it's a dog (and also has big metal boobies) and the trio have to go back in time to stop Hitler from losing World War 2 using the Power of Breasts?

Or should I become a Hollywood executive and ~~force~~ request young aspiring actresses to sleep with me for jobs and then not give them the jobs?

Please answer me quickly, I've just killed my darling baristas at my indie coffee shop and have 3 sips of coffee left.

I BROKE THE CAPS LOCK ON MY KEYBOARD IN A FIT OF PASSIONATE HEADDESKING AND NOW I CAN'T TURN IT OFF AND IT'S CHANGING THE TONE OF MY ENTIRE NOVEL BECAUSE INSTEAD OF SAYING SHE BREASTED BOOBILY IN LOWERCASE ALL SENSUAL AND SEDUCTIVE LIKE IT'S NOW ALL CAPS SHE BREASTED BOOBILY AND NOW THERE'S NO NUANCE TO HER SUGGESTIVE PERSONALITY AND SHE COMES OFF AS AGGRESSIVELY AS BONNIE BLUE AND ALSO MY PERIOD KEY AND COMMA KEY BROKE AND NOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M JUST RANTING AT THE SCREEN AND OHMYSPACEBARJUSTBROKEANDIHAVENOWAYTOUNDOITBECAUSEIHAVEATHROBBINGMANLYERECTIONPENISINGPROUDLYACROSSMYKEYBOARDLIKETHEWAYISENSUOUSLYMAKELOVETOAPLATEOFFULLBACKRIBSHOWDOIFIXTHIS

... but I actually wanted to write a philosophical treatise on the exploitation of the common man by the Jerry Springer Class, ala autobiographical science fiction award-winning trilogized novelization.

Now she won't speak to me! Is it because I said her breasts "are as beautiful as the heads of decapitated salacious tv show hosts like Stephen Colbert and Alanis Morrissette" and "as ripe and fecundant as the fields fertilized with writers' room writers' dead mulched bodies." I've tried sending her money from my advance (and then had to ask for some of it back so I could pay for my $6.99 Mcdonald's Big Mac meal with fries and soda.)

How can I fix her?

I will answer none of them.