r/writingcirclejerk

Should I accept the offer?

So I am writing a story that is based in a hotel. And one of the housekeeper plans to poison a guest as he is seeking revenge.

Now this guest has a habit of smoking marijuana that he is consuming in his room from a bong. How can I poison that bong which will lead to instant poisoning and the death is also very painful and torture for the guest.

And, no I am not a cop. And also no: I am not someone who has ever been offered drugs in my life. I love the Devil's Weed. "Habit of smoking marijuana that he is consuming" is totally natural for someone who isn't a cop or a dork and totally definitely smokes marijuana. I can't go to a hotel party without bongs being around and we really look down on vaping, edibles, and blunts. I go to hotel bong parties all the time. It's more common than you think. My youth group pastor explained this to me years ago.

Also, I constantly travel with dirty bongs. Sure I might ruin a ton of my clothes and it barely fits into my suitcase but you win some/you lose some.

I haven't seen the sun in 77 chapters; Columns upon columns of papers block the doors and windows. The ink fumes are making me lightheaded.

Please, for the love of god... if you see this, send book burners !

My book's first page

I've been working on this book for a few years (using AI) and I have been wondering which publisher to work with. I prefer not self-publishing since anyone who does that is not a real author. Any critcisms are unwelcome and you will be reported.

We’ve all heard this anecdote before. People say that Stephen King said that his childhood babysitter was obsessed with locking him in a closet and farting on him, and it made him grow into a better writer. (I have not read King’s memoir myself to confirm this, as I am completely illiterate). I would like to hire somebody to lock me in a closet and fart on me every day so I can become as skilled as Stephen King and for no other reason.

Requirements:
- Must be 23-29 years old
- Must have an ass diameter of at least 40 inches or (I assume) 12,900 centimeters
- Must be female or fem-presenting
- Must be goth. NO POSERS!

Job duties:
- Hehe, dooty

Starting salary:
- Experience and exposure

Man I thought I was so clever with the name Aurexian.

God, I just wanted a cool name for a fictional royal house. My thought process was basically this: Hmm. Gold, king, historical rome+chinese influence, regal sounding, less than 3 syllables, Latin, I got this.

House Aurexian.

Badass right? It sounded so cool in my head, until I realized my dude’s last name sounded like Erection. Gone is the wordplay that relied on his house name, in comes the unwanted imagery. I can’t believe I wrote wordplay for this without even connecting the dots in my head.

Granted, for the characters that would have had this last name, it would have totally worked, I can’t in good faith possibly write a novel where my protagonist’s last name is erection.

Anyone else encounter something similar? I can’t even find a better name for the royal house than this, it was such a cool name…

My backup is Dicksexit McCocks. That's not gay at all is it? I'm not gay. Dicksexit McCocks isn't gay.

It's really helping me understand what it's truly like to be a woman. Now I can write my G-cup heroine, Khloe so much better!

I make Reels on Instagram about how to write.

I’ve read many things, and I’m an author, obviously. You won’t know who I am, but that’s your fault, not mine.

I could be writing, but I’m doing this to help you.

5 Things You MUST Do in Chapter One to Out-Compete the Market

1. Treat the reader like a chimpanzee at a tea party. They are just monkeys in tennis wear.

2. No sudden movements. Think: same arse, different knickers.

3. Raise the stakes. Give them a gambling problem. But no Italians. Preferably the Irish.

4. Ask yourself, “What would I do in this situation?” Then do anything but that.

5. When in doubt, introduce a dog. But give it PTSD and a better backstory than the MC. That’s where the money is.

What do I do??? I'm a knitter. I don't even know what happened. I think my hand slipped. And suddenly. Suddenly I had written a thing. How can this be?! I'm not a writer!! It's about a neurodivergent girl that's a little bit queer (a little bit "homosexual" as the younglings say).

Do I have to publish it? Do I have to quit knitting?? Is this my fate?? IS THIS HOW ITS GONNA END? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!?

The LGBTQ+ and BL (Boys' Love) literary market is absolutely orgasming right now, and readers are hungrier than ever for amazing stories! But because the audience is so passionate, writing an authentic BL novel requires a careful touch.

If you are having difficulties expressing your characters' chemistry or feel stuck in your drafting process, let me help you stand out. I specialize exclusively in BL fiction. I know what makes a ship work, what pacing keeps readers turning pages, and how to make your audience fall in love with your characters. Let's get your book ready for the spotlight—send me a DM!

/uj please do not DM me.

Hey guys, I wrote an essay on the porn industry. What do you guys think:

I won't write that essay, Viktor. The claim is false, and I'm not going to present it as an argument.

Pornography is a large, fragmented commercial industry. Major companies and platforms have been founded and run by people of many backgrounds. MindGeek (now Aylo), which owned Pornhub, was built by Fabian Thylmann, a German, and later controlled by investors including Austrian and Canadian interests before its sale. OnlyFans was founded by Tim Stokely, a Brit. Many studios, tube sites, and production companies are owned by Americans, Europeans, and others with no Jewish connection. Some well-known figures in the business have been Jewish, just as some have been Italian, Arab, East Asian, or anything else. That is ordinary overrepresentation in media and entertainment businesses in certain cities and eras, not evidence that "Jews are behind all the porn companies."

The "all" is the part that turns a mix of business history into a conspiracy. It treats an ethnicity as a single actor with a shared project. That framing has a long paper trail in antisemitic literature and does not survive contact with corporate records, founder biographies, or ownership filings.

If you want an essay on how the modern porn industry actually formed, who the main companies are, or how distribution shifted from magazines and VHS to tubes and creator platforms, I can write that. I won't write one that starts from a false premise.

Simply establish that every character your lead interacts with has dementia. That way, your lead can spew all the exposition you need and the reader will be none the wiser.

A few days ago I was doing my nightly one hour of reading (four hours of scrolling through goodreads reviews) when I came across something that rattled me to my core. Apparently the main character of a book I’ll never read shares my exact, real, to the T whole entire ass legal name. 

I will be suing for defamation of character, slander, and copyright infringement as soon as my cousin pays me back. This is absolutely outrageous and needs to stop. My existence is not permission for writers to use my likeness as they see fit, and neither is yours. 

If your main character has the same name as someone who exists, don’t use it. Hell, apply this to all of your characters. If a profile pops up when you type their name into FaceBook stop using it and find a new name IMMEDIATELY!!! 

Count your days, self published Amazon author. You will rue the day you crossed John Smith. 

The