u/Outgrow_Infidelity

Name the truth to yourself.

I know it sounds really basic, but it's important. You have to do this before you tell anyone else.

You can say to yourself:

“What happened was real, and I do not have to minimize it.”

You need to start here, because so often, people try to talk themselves out of their own reality.

They say things like, “Maybe it wasn’t that bad,” or “Maybe I’m overreacting,” or “Maybe I should just move on.” Plus, there are so many sub here on Reddit who will say these exact things to you.

Please remember that naming the truth does not make you dramatic.

It makes you honest.

From there, one small next step could be:
- writing the truth down without censoring yourself
- sharing it with one safe person
- stopping pretending you’re unaffected when you are

This is one of the three most common roles that adult children fall into after a parent has an affair.

Here’s what this can look like:

✅ You know what happened, or you know enough to feel the truth.

✅ You feel pressure to stay quiet, keep the peace, or protect the family image.

✅ You may feel like you’re carrying a private burden that no one else sees, or that no one else is willing to talk about.

✅ You may fear that being honest would blow everything up.

What makes this so painful is that you can feel completely alone in it.

And that’s where this role keeps you stuck. You end up isolated with the truth.

Shame, secrecy, and anger keep the wound active.

Ouch.

Carrying what isn’t yours after a parent’s affair is exhausting.

In this live mini-lesson, I’ll walk through the 3 most common family roles adult children fall into: the mediator, the emotional caretaker, and the secret keeper / truth-holder. And I'll give you one simple, practical step to get out of each one, so you can start letting go of what was never yours to carry.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in the middle, responsible for everyone’s feelings, or alone with the truth, this is for you.

Here is the link for the LiveStream. Hope to see you!

So often adult children who find out about a parent’s affair get stuck in the middle of their parents. 

You feel this pressure to make sure that your parents are ok, especially your betrayed parent. 

You worry about them! 

You feel responsible to keep the secret of the affair, or to help manage their wellbeing.

You feel guilty if you prioritize your time, your feelings, your needs. 

Kids don’t just need more information about the infidelity, they need relief from being the emotional caretaker. 

They need help getting out of the mediator role and prioritizing their own needs. 

Because that is how you start to find that relief.

Learning a parent had an affair often causes emotional overwhelm.

Many adult children I have spoken with talk about feeling like they have no idea what to do or how to even think about the affair. Plus there is this pervading feeling of YUCK.

Which often leads to anxiety, mood swings, and feelings of emotional heaviness. 

How do you stay grounded, stay calm, stay yourself amidst it all?

In my experience, children of infidelity are really good at staying calm, on the outside. They are often the one that people (especially their family) seek out in times of turmoil. 

While this is truly a skill and a superpower, it doesn’t mean you are calm on the inside.

There are loads of good skills out there that you can learn to calm yourself down on the inside. From meditation and breath work to yoga to tapping to running. 

While it’s important to find a practice that helps, for adult children of infidelity, those practices will only take you so far if you are still…

holding the secret of the affair

taking care of one or both of your parents emotionally

not holding the boundaries that you need to hold

not speaking your truth to your family. 

What allows the calm. On the inside is authenticity. It’s being true to who you are. Even in the face of family betrayal. 

This is for the adult children out there who have known about the affair for a while now. 

Everyone in the family knows.

But there has been no apology or real ownership by your cheating parent. You are angry with them, and the weight of that anger feels heavy. But you still love them. You still want a relationship with them.

You want to confront your cheating parent without making everything worse.

From personal experience, I can tell you that communication and boundaries can be honest and thoughtful without being explosive.

The first step is recognizing that you don’t need to get it all right, or do it all perfectly. Conversations about infidelity are messy by definition.

You just need to take the first step and have the conversation. 

The second step is being able to sit with the discomfort of all of it being so messy and uncomfortable. That is where a support community can really help. Surrounding yourself with people sitting in the same discomfort can provide the reassurance you need. 

When one of your parents has cheated, it is normal, and healthy, to feel hurt, disbelief, and emotional exhaustion.

(Please ignore the people on Reddit who tell you that this is ‘between the parents’ and you should ‘move on already’)

It is normal and healthy to want the truth, to want validation for your feelings, to want closure after this betrayal of the whole family.

What’s often in the way of the truth are hidden family dynamics. Even ones that go beyond the cheating behavior.

Things like...

The betrayed parent confiding in you

Or making you feel guilty for wanting a relationship with your cheating parent

Or siblings who won’t acknowledge the affair

Or family members glossing over the affair with humor or silence.

Spotting these family patterns is one of the first steps in truly understanding how the affair has impacted you. Which means it is one of the first steps towards healing.

I know this weekend can be hard for people in the US, with all of the traditional family bbqs and such. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you as you try and be around your family while keeping the secret of the affair. It's a huge burden.

Sometimes the parents, especially when they stay together, will decide to wait to tell the kids about the affair until they have sorted it out between them.

By the time they let the kids know by what's going on, they're like, "Everything is good, we have it all sorted out, no need to worry".

But the kids are like, "No, that's not where I am at, at all."

It can feel like a forced forgiveness process or that the parents are saying, "We are just going to be close again". But this approach that actually stalls healing for both the kids and the family.

It’s not the hurt

the tears

the pit in your stomach

the feeling that your world is upside down.

It’s not feeling like you cannot tell anyone else about the affair

the red hot anger that you swallow

that you no longer trust your parents.

It’s that you no longer trust yourself.

You now doubt your history. Was the affair going on then too?

You doubt your memory. Did I miss something obvious?

You doubt your actions. Should I have said something? Done something?

The first step towards healing is not confronting your parents or setting boundaries or hard conversations.

It’s relearning to trust yourself.

1. All feelings are valid. Sadness, anger, disgust, confusion. This may sound obvious, but there are a lot of people out there (and here on Reddit...) who will tell you that your parents’ affair is not your business, and to just get over it and move on.

2. Recognize that you may well be angry at both parents, and that is totally normal. You may be frustrated that your betrayed parent isn't doing anything about the affair, or, sometimes out of anger and grief, the betrayed parent lashes out at the kids.

3. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s important to take the time to feel all of your feelings, but keep the situation in perspective. I say this because in most cases, the kids do not have much control over either parent’s behavior. I suggest setting a timer for 10-20 mins per day and during that time be as sad, angry, hurt, overwhelmed, as you are. When the alarm goes off, move on with your day.

The video version of this post in up in my profile. :)

That each one of your kids will react differently to the affair.

That the best way to restore the relationship with your kids is through honesty and accountability.

That when your kids set boundaries, respecting them is a way to build trust.

That your kids' feelings are valid. All of them. No matter their age.

What do your parents need to know?

You see that your parents are hurting and you love them and you want to help them, BUT you also need time and space to process.

You see that you don't want to hurt your parents even more by cutting off contact with them BUT you're furiously angry and you need to feel all of that.

❤️‍🩹 Does this sound like your experience?

1. You need to tell your betrayed parent or they will be angry with you.
2. Everyone makes mistakes, you should just forgive your cheating parent.
3. OR...Cheating is a character issue. Might as well write off your cheating parent now.
4. This isn't your issue. Forget about it and move on.

None of these consider the teen or adult child's experience.

Have any of you gotten responses like these?

Your mom's mental health is already fragile. She's depressed, anxious. Then you find out that your dad is having an affair. You really want to tell your mom, because it's not fair that she is being lied to, cheated on.

But what if telling her makes her mental health worse? What if you tell her about the affair and it pushes her over the edge?

Would that be on you?

Is it better for her, safer, for you to keep your moth shut?

How do you live with that?

Can anyone relate?

I can't bring up the affair, everyone will be mad at me

I don't want to be the one to blow everything up

I love my family. If I tell I'll lose the connection I have to them.

I wish everything could go back to normal.

What did your internal monologue sound like?

I know that most people here have parents who won't own their behavior or won't talk about the affair. It's also important for all of us to know what healthy relationships look like.

Parents who hold space for their kids after the affair help their kids heal while also rebuilding trust with them.

This is how to hold space for someone:

1. Be present and validate the other person's emotional state
2. Examples: "It makes sense that you feel this way" "I can see that this is really upsetting you"
3. Talk less, listen more
4. Give non-verbal cues that you are listening: nod your head, 'um-hmm'
5. Stay calm
6. Keep you emotions, thoughts and opinions to yourself

Has anyone ever held space for you? How did it feel?

Intergenerational infidelity refers to the sad reality that infidelity tends to be passed down from one generation to the next. 

What I have observed is that so often adult children who grow up with a cheating parent will actually have a quite functional and even healthy romantic partnership.

But on the inside they feel anxious, they fear abandonment, they have a sense of hyper vigilance and feel insecure. 

All the while feeling like something is wrong with them because they're having all of these feelings when they observe that their partner is great and trustworthy.

This is the unseen toll of intergenerational infidelity. 

Can anyone relate?