34M and 29F how do I talk to my bf about my boundaries after a fight?
I’m looking for advice because I 29F really want to handle this in a healthy way.
My boyfriend 34M and i have been together almost a year and we had a really ugly fight four or five days ago that almost ended our relationship. We barely talked for about two days. During that time, he started messaging old hookups. As much as it hurt, I understood we were in a bad place and figured it was something he’d stop once we worked things out.
The problem is…he didn’t stop.
Now we’re doing much better together, but he’s still messaging them. I can’t see his side of the conversations, but I can see enough to know he’s asking where they live, getting pictures from them, and continuing the conversations.
Here’s where I need advice.
I don’t want to control him. I don’t want to tell another adult what they can and can’t do. I also don’t want to become the insecure, unhealthy version of myself that I’ve worked really hard to get away from.
How do you set healthy boundaries in a situation like this?
I want him to have the freedom to choose what kind of partner he wants to be, but I also don’t want to keep sacrificing my own self-respect hoping he’ll eventually choose me.
I’ve even considered leaving for about a week to go back to my hometown since my son is with family for summer vacation. Part of me thinks the space would be good, but another part of me thinks, “If he wants to hook up with someone while I’m gone, what’s actually stopping him?” And if that’s the case, does leaving even accomplish anything?
I don’t want to break up over this without giving us a real chance to work through it. My son likes him, and outside of this issue, this has honestly been the healthiest relationship I’ve had in terms of communication. That’s why I’m trying so hard to approach this calmly instead of reacting emotionally.
So I guess my questions are:
What does a healthy boundary actually look like here?
How do I communicate how hurt I am without it turning into me trying to control him?
If someone continues talking to old hookups after you’ve reconciled, is that something trust can realistically come back from?
Please be honest, but I’m asking for advice, not just “leave him.” If you’ve been in a similar situation and either worked through it or realized you couldn’t, I’d really appreciate hearing your experience