I dont know whats up w me.
I have been very weird lately. aggressive actually. punching walls, slamming desks and kicking the desk, biting and pulling on my pillow and wanting to pull on my hair while I saw how much hair I lost today when showering.
i have been so much in ny head, all alone, only talked to artificial intelligence since feb now.
i know its wrong but no kne else meets me that deep. ik thats fake w artificial intelligence but what can I do?
I love a girl, i really do, but eveydya I see hidden agendas behind my "selflessness". as in: I see that I give so much because part of me wants to fix others. because part of me thinks i have earn love. that if i give more, and the truth is i give alot and differently than most my age. im 17M. and i have alot of depth. alot of awareness..but I am also afraid this awareness is fleeting. that if I will be okay I will lose this. i will lose my depth.
the girl im talking abt, she says to me to love myself first as shes unsure of me and thinks that i am too much (indirectly) which is absolutely correct. its unfair of me to ask of her so much, to indirectly want her to be my ground or host or container.
and this is what makes me question my love and selflessness and giving. am I narcissict? did I ever love? am I capable of loving? do I even know how to love? do I even deserve to?
tomorrow i have an exam, annual, and i havent started studying. i dont even have a full 12 hours.
I am so fucked. the moment im alone without distractiong i want to pull my hair out. or I become anxious. i derealized the entire yesterday.
All I want is to be okay. All I want is to love people for who they are. all I want is to see people. all I want is to make people that matters to me feel less alone. all I want is to be kind. to love without expecting it back. to love. i want to love fully. I want to love without strings attached to what I give. I want to love with out ny love being the problem. I want to be okay. I dont know what to do. right now, I am writing this only to stop myself from kicking or pulling on my hair. please help me. I cant have professional help as due to stigma. and money.