u/Outside-Sprinkles-15

Hello all. I started seeing a guy a few months ago. For context, he seems like a classic fearful avoidant. As a child, he witnessed the violent deaths of both his mother and father. He has recieved therapy for this. He is now extremely independent, values his own space, and tends to keep to himself. His only long term successful relationships have been with women who travelled frequently for work.

Right from the start, he warned me that he was very good at running from relationships. He talked about getting close to people, then becoming scared once his feelings grew. At one point he even told me that I scared him because he was developing feelings for me, and that those feelings threatened the independence he had built his life around.

Things between us became really intense. He said he wanted to do life with me, told me I was perfect for him both in looks and personality, and said I understood him in a way nobody else had. I believe this to be true because I took a lot of time researching his personality type and mental health problems he has. Ironically, he came on very strongly in the beginning and seemed more anxiously attached, while I felt quite secure. That has completely reversed.

Out of nowhere, he developed cold feet about us spending more time together. He told me he couldn’t give me what I want because of logistics. I’d had enough of the excuses so ignored, and then he came back with “but I love being with you so have a think”(?!). He told me I deserved better than him, that he was not the man for me, and that deep down I already knew that. I accepted what he said and pulled back, but as soon as I did, he started pursuing me again with constant check ins and phone calls.

Eventually I set a boundary. I told him I could not do a casual texting situation and that either we were working towards something meaningful or this would be my last message. Since then, nothing. He has completely frozen and it has now been over 24 hours and counting.

Am I being unrealistic to think he might eventually break the silence, or should I accept that this is over and move on?

I’ve been dating a guy for about 4 months. He has a lot of childhood trauma (both parents died when he was young, his mother by suicide which he discovered himself as a young child) but has had therapy. He’s told me conflict makes him want to run and he struggles with criticism. He said at the start I scare him, which I recognise now as I was a threat to his independence as he could fall for me (which he has), and it would require him changing his lifestyle.

Recently I said I’d like us to do more day trips after he’d booked another solo trip. He does this as a form of escapism. He said he felt pressured snd couldn’t give me what I deserve, so I was just like “ok 🤷🏻‍♀️ “ but then he came back and said he loves spending time with me and that I should have a think. I said no.i got upset and drunk ashamedly, We had a blazing argument which settled into kind words in the evening. He said he’d always be there for me regardless. I later sent a message saying I appreciate it, and setting a boundary, saying I don’t want a penpal, I want us to choose each other - if he can’t do that it’s kinder to let me go. and he just ❤️ reacted to it.

The next day he sent a few checkin texts which I didn’t reply to because of my boundary the night previous re the penpal comment, so he ended up texting again and tried calling because he got worried. When I eventually replied, I said I’d hit my emotional limit. He replied really kindly, hoped me and my daughter were okay and tried opening conversation about football. I didn’t respond, just love heart reacted.

It’s now been a day of silence. I’m trying not to chase him.

For those of you who have experienced similar, does this sound like someone who’s taking space and may reach out again, or someone who’s emotionally checked out? Should I have text him back yesterday? I’m so conflicted, but I love him.