u/Own-Tough-78

I (18F) have the opportunity to move out through a support program my therapist helped arrange, but I feel extremely guilty and torn about it.

For context, my home life has been unstable for years. Growing up there was a lot of yelling, controlling behavior, and physical punishment from my parents. My dad left a few years ago, and since then my relationship with my mom has been very inconsistent. Sometimes she’s loving and supportive, and other times she becomes very angry, throws things, yells at me, or tells me she doesn’t want to see me.

I’m also afraid of upsetting her because she can be unpredictable when emotional. I don’t really feel free at home even though I’m 18 now. I’m not religious anymore, while my family is very devoted, and there are a lot of things I’m not allowed to do. Even simple things like going out with friends, dressing how I want, or living independently become huge conflicts.

My therapist recently helped arrange a place for me in an independent living program. I’d start in a group home and later possibly move into my own apartment. It honestly sounds like everything I’ve wanted for years.

The problem is that I feel horrible leaving now. My mom is going through a divorce, several family members died last year, another relative is in the hospital, and there’s an important holiday coming up that means a lot to her. Part of me feels like leaving right now would completely break her.

I still love my mom despite everything, and I know she has gone through a lot herself. But at the same time, I don’t want to keep living like this.

Has anyone else dealt with feeling guilty for leaving a difficult family situation? How did you know you were making the right choice?

Okay so sorry if this is a long text and sorry for possible language mistakes, English isnt my first language

Anyway, so I 18 female have gotten the oppertunity from through my psychologist to move out of my home this week friday, its all I ever wanted but I feel torn because of my family dynamic and I have to decide before friday.

Okay so for background, my mom is a devoted muslim, I havent been in contact except from some phone calls from my dad in almost 3 years now.

As a child I was regularly hit by my dad and occasionally by my mom as forms of punishments, it happened almost daily until I turned 12. From then on till 15 my dad would continue to consistently yell at me and berate me on a daily basis. Before I turned 16 he left and for a while I had a good relationship with my mom until like 3 months after when she seemed to direct her anger at him onto me. She consistently talked about how I was so much like him physically and emotionally, yelled at me repeatedly, and once hit me. That kept going until I did an attempt a month before I turner 17, I think you can guess what kind of attempt it was, and afterwards she felt bad I guess. For 3 months she was sweet and normal again until she started going back to her old self and we've been up and down since than. One moment shes all loving and supportive, and the next she starts throwing thing out of nowhere around the house yelling about how she doesnt want to see me etc.

There was also this incident that involved me being forced to sleep over at my uncles last summer and for 3 days he took my phone, went through it daily invading my privacy, and just yelled at me every single day calling me all kinds of names and not stopping if I cried but getting worse. This was obviously not an optimal environment for a girl that was heavily depressed and just got in therapy. My mom consistently takes his side because hes her little brother and gets mad at me for not wanting to see him.

Anyway as of now Im 18, Im not muslim havent been for over a year and I just want to be able to live a little, go to the movies with my friends, eat at a restaurant, drink a bit, wear clothes I like, do my hair. But my mom wont let me, I know some of you might think "Do it anyway, you're 18" but Im afraid what she would do Im deadly scared of her sometimes because shes unpredictable when emotional.

Anyway now to the problem, so my therapist has arranged that if I wish I could go through some independent living project, start in a group home, get a discounted appartment in a couple months, etc. It sounds like a dream but somewhere I also feel terrible moving out right now, my mom is only now officially going through divorce with my dad and she still loves him, shes stressing about my younger siblings (we are 5), her grandma, mom and uncle died last year, her aunt and one of the friends is in the hospital. In around 2 weeks theres a muslim holiday she looks forward too. I feel like leaving now will actually destroy her and I dont want to cause my mother that much pain. I love her after everything because Ive had positive and loving moments with her, and I also know that part of the reason why she acts this way is because of my shitty dad and all the trauma she endured. But I dont want to live this way anymore.

Sorry for the long post! There are alot of details left out but Im too tired to type them right now.