u/Own_Natural_8989

For the current squatters residing on my front lawn, near the red river rock pavers I so painstakingly laid along my driveway.

THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!!!

The end is near!

I command you pack all you things, your queen, your larvae and all those tiny little specks of dirt you've been leaving all over the place...for tomorrow YOU DIE!

Consider me, Ares, the greek god of WAR.

How you've survived this most recent plague of june bugs; the gas fires of March; and the great flood de mangera, the gardern hose flood of April, 2010.

I have no idea...

Once thing is certain.
You will not survive this'…

I'm about to get all Amdro and Orthene on yo' @ss, ya little ankle-biting b-ITCh-es.

Hey come in
And let me get under your skin, your skin

You started something you can't win, can't win

I am your church these are your sins, your sins

Now don't you wish you could take em back cause

You've been bitten

And now you made me your addiction

Just tell me when you've had enough

Was your decision

And now you made me your addiction

Just tell me when you've had enough

But first

Tell me you like the way it hurts, it hurts

Started a fire but you got burned, got burned

I am your god I am your curse, your curse

Don't you wish you could fade to black cause

You've been bitten

And now you made me your addiction

Just tell me when you've had enough

Was your decision

And now you made me your addiction

Just tell me when you've had enough

I got you strung out
I'll tear your heart out

I got you strung out, strung out, strung out…

“Nobody dances sober”

The short and more common form of Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit, "Nobody dances sober, unless he happens to be insane," a quote from Cicero (from the speech Pro Murena).

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

On June 2nd, I will have completed 8-months of the ITP Program here at Haven for Hope.

That’s I n s a n e !

Most clients can’t wait to get out of here and some leave almost immediately, where as I am trying to figure out how to have a jacuzzi delivered through Amazon.

This program is great provided you are honest, open-minded and willing to learn a few coping skills.

Get vulnerable once or twice per week, in groups or one on one with your behavioral counselor…

I’ve been living on my own ever since.

Finally got an apartment. Getting ready to start my core training to become a recovery support peer specialist.

It will be good to be employed again.

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

"No one has ever become poor by giving." - Anne Frank

“This is the place where death rejoices in helping life“

A motto of many morgues or wards of anatomical pathology.

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

Jack Daniel’s, José Cuervo, Jim Beam, progressive demons providing problematic solutions for my multiple mental health issues.

hic locus est ubi mors gaudet

“this is the place where death delights”

The streets, under a bridge, an abandoned building or house, and isolated for days at a time in a motel waiting to connect.

These were the places where death thrives, sometimes quickly, and in my case, ever so slowly.

Had a very good meeting with my care manager at CHCS.

Have a group therapy session scheduled for tomorrow.

They scheduled me to begin weekly individual sessions as well in the coming weeks. 🙏🏽

I should be feeling great but I’m not.

Still stuck in the muck in my head dreading my decisions.

Is this the proper path?

If I’m doing something right why does it feel all wrong?

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." - Dalai Lama

“here and now”

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

The imperative motto for the satisfaction of desire. "I need it, Here and Now”.

When it comes to forgiveness, looking at you Mom, I’ve learned it’s best to give to whoever asks as soon as possible.

For me that’s here and now.

Under very trying conditions I have had, again and again, to forgive others who have done me wrong.

This also includes myself all the times I’ve screwed up.

And I’ve lived nearly 40 years of continually making some seriously stupid mistakes, decisions, assumptions.

No one is perfect.

Unlike you, Mom, I can forgive.

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

"When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." - Lao Tzu

My recovery from MDD and struggles with alcoholism, substance misuse and homelessness have led me on a journey of sobriety and healing from the pain and trauma of my past.

When the wound heals, the attraction will change.

No longer am I attracted to the feeling of being numb to the world and the cacophony of the constant gridlock plaguing tired mind.

Sobriety will put you back together, in front of those who broke you.

“from the depths”

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

From out of the depths of misery and dejection I now stand at the threshold of the beginning of the rest of my life.

Number Nine Zero Four, you have come far and have travelled long, covering enough distances for numerous lifetimes.

I’ve seen your struggles.

Seen you endure immense physical, emotional and financial pain-somnia

I’ve watched you silently from afar, your hope dwindling through each and every let down.

If only you had the chance to do things differently…

What would you do?

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Happiness depends upon ourselves." - Aristotle

“you must either imitate or loathe the world”

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

I struggle to color inside the lines, so to speak.

I enjoy thinking both inside and outside the 📦 box.

Telling me I can’t do something makes me want to do it even more.

This mentality has been both blessing and curse.

I was told once I could not stay sober unless I was in this program by an AA Facilitator who is still here, working his program.

After voicing my frustration with his lack of understanding the complexity of mental illness and how it affects addiction and alcoholism, I left the meeting and exited the program.

I’ve thought about attending his meeting, held Thursday nights and telling him thanks for his advice. 🤪

However, I am more satisfied allowing him to believe I have failed…

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures." - Lao Tzu

“without hope, without fear”

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

Nec spe, nec metu, I would not be where I am today.

Without hope, I was unable to break free from the bondage of self.

I sought tirelessly to ease the emotional roller coaster 🎢 life had become, embarrassed by the troll in the mirror addicted to methamphetamine.

The OxyContin I was given after the bicycle accident lasted 21-days after I was released.

Without fear, I figured I would be able to control myself.

I was wrong, painfully wrong.

People judge the homeless, alcoholics, addicts so negatively it’s sickening.

This mentality speaks volumes about what type of people they are.

Admittedly, I was the same…

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

I pray that I may not judge other people.

I pray that I may be certain that God can set right what is wrong in every personality.

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains." - Pierre Auguste Renoir

“Nature is exceedingly simple and harmonious with itself”

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

Negative thoughts of harm still present themselves from time to time and have been discussed, at length, with my mental health counselors.

The best I can determine is the ideations of self harm are a normal part of my reaction to mental trauma.

As long as I don’t have a plan.

Insert skepticism here…

Normal as in a reaction to stubbing my toe in the middle of the night.

I stumble around, wincing from the pain, cursing the coffee table or chair, these are normal reactions.

Similar to a reaction from physical pain, cognitive reaction to mental traumas such as anxiety or anger are triggering these negative thoughts, emotions and ideations.

natura valde simplex est et sibi consona

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

I pray that I may learn how to have inner ☮️ peace.

I pray that I may be calm, so that God can work through me.

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

"You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings." - Pearl Buck

The last eight years of my life

Have been rough, tough and hard enough to live through despite all challenges placed before me.

Physical challenges, mental health issues, alcoholism, addiction, depression, financial difficulties have all taken me places I never thought I’d be.

Don’t know what to tell you about it other than I’m doing what I’m supposed to at this time.

I forgive you for your part in Gavynne’s death.

I forgive Stephanie too.

I also wish to apologize again for any embarrassment I may have caused.

I’m working on healing myself and wish you well.

She grew up in a land where it was live or die.

She could have accepted her role as one who would never become who she was inside.

Refused to live life as an object something to be used and discarded.

Her light was so powerful, so strong, she would not be denied her freedom from the tyranny of her homeland.

Through her relentless pursuit of happiness she embarked on her dream of a life where she would be adored, and surrounded with life’s luxuries.

The life of a Princess who would one day be crowned Queen.

She suffered terrible pain.

Fathomless trauma causing her great misfortune.

Being denied justice and protection in her new world only increased her tenacity to claim her role as Queen.

She fell in love.

A handsome prince offered his hand offering protection, prevention from the trauma she had sustained.

Naively, she accepted oblivious to his ulterior motives.

Decisions were made behind the scenes she was unaware of, and hesitation was justified through the promises made of the evil prince.

Still, she kept on having faith the shame would not last forever and her Prince would change.

He used her and totally, ignored her boundaries as a princess with value, worth and a kind and loving soul.

The princess was devastated.

And began to question her life choices.

Forced to play a role, a survival skill, to help escape her distant past and trauma, led her to the decision to leave her adoring fans, her public, her people in attempt to escape the reality of what her life had become.

And then one day she met a man, an older man, whose life eerily mirrored her own.

Only he was not a prince, but had many friends who were queens.

Mostly, Drag Queens who were full of wisdom, tragedy and fabulousness 🏳️‍🌈

As she spoke with him she noticed his strength and willingness to just sit and listen to her.

He craved her story and was careful not to judge.

He respected her privacy and understood her hesitancy to completely open up to him.

He worked hard on keeping his own struggles to himself.

Fate always intervened whenever the older man was confused.

Her strength kept him going.

Speaking with him, they felt as if they have found what they have been searching for.

As if they’ve met before in a parallel universe.

And the older man, allowed HIS princess to take his arm and guide him toward a better life together, they lived happily ever after.

“I once was what you are, you will be what I am”

::::::::::::::::::::: O :::::::::::::::::::::

“As you are, I once was.
As I am, you shall be.”

That was written in red ink, probably from a Bic ball-point pen, on my Dad’s helmet cover from Vietnam.

Never got to ask him about it, but it’s things like this which let me know Dad is still here.

Guiding me, protecting me and watching from above. 👆🏽

Thank you, Dad, for all you sacrificed to raise and protect me.

Life keeps getting better and better.

Love,
#1 Son

::::::::::::::::::::: O :::::::::::::::::::::

I pray that I may be a help to discouraged people.

I pray that I may have the courage to help bring about what the weary world needs but does not know how to get.

“strong and free”

::::::::::::::::::::: O :::::::::::::::::::::

Deus, da mihi serenitatem

Ad accipienda res quae non possum mutare

Animus accipere quae possum

Et sapientiam differentiam cognoscere

When the voices won’t stop, the unwanted thoughts flood frustrations endlessly and you begin questioning why you’re here…

You learn to count to 12, in French, Italian and Japanese.

You also learn to recite the serenity prayer, in Latin!

Today is my sober birthday., 5-years 1-month or 1856 days.

One day at a time.

My journey of sobriety hadn’t been easy and I wouldn’t recommend or encourage anyone take the path I’ve chosen.

Have they members criticize me for not taking my book to the meeting criticize me for not getting a sponsor immediately. Took me over 2 1/2 years to find a sponsor.

And I’ve had a sponsor tell me that I wasn’t praying right because I wouldn’t get down on my knees and pray.

I haven’t talked to him in over 2 1/2 years and guess what I’m still sober.

I’m still very early in my sobriety. I’m not perfect and what has helped me the most ace working with my mental health counselors and my therapist.

I can proudly say I’m no longer alcoholic, but I struggle with alcoholism.

I can probably say I’m no longer an addict, but continue to struggle with substance misuse disorder.

I will continue to manage these two diseases and then proper management. I will maintain my sobriety.

🤙🏽

::::::::::::::::::::: O :::::::::::::::::::::

I pray that whatever is good I may have.

I pray that I may leave to God the choice of what good will come to me.

“strong and free”

::::::::::::::::::::: O :::::::::::::::::::::

Deus, da mihi serenitatem

Ad accipienda res quae non possum mutare

Animus accipere quae possum

Et sapientiam differentiam cognoscere

When the voices won’t stop, the unwanted thoughts flood frustrations endlessly and you begin questioning why you’re here…

You learn to count to 12, in French, Italian and Japanese.

You also learn to recite the serenity prayer, in Latin!

Today is my sober birthday., 5-years 1-month or 1856 days.

One day at a time.

My journey of sobriety hadn’t been easy and I wouldn’t recommend or encourage anyone take the path I’ve chosen.

Have they members criticize me for not taking my book to the meeting criticize me for not getting a sponsor immediately. Took me over 2 1/2 years to find a sponsor.

And I’ve had a sponsor tell me that I wasn’t praying right because I wouldn’t get down on my knees and pray.

I haven’t talked to him in over 2 1/2 years and guess what I’m still sober.

I’m still very early in my sobriety. I’m not perfect and what has helped me the most ace working with my mental health counselors and my therapist.

I can proudly say I’m no longer alcoholic, but I struggle with alcoholism.

I can probably say I’m no longer an addict, but continue to struggle with substance misuse disorder.

I will continue to manage these two diseases and then proper management. I will maintain my sobriety.

🤙🏽

::::::::::::::::::::: O :::::::::::::::::::::

I pray that whatever is good I may have.

I pray that I may leave to God the choice of what good will come to me.

“by his own accord”

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

Happy, unhappy birthday, Momster…the big 79, tick tock, tick tock, how much time does she have on the clock, Gavynne? 🪽🪽

Through action all of mine own, I firmly drew a line in the sand daring mommy dearest to prance across.

To add boundary to injuries, Sister Non-Sinister, offered to overnight said letter ensuring the message was received loud and clear.

We know she has been racking her brain, why did this happen, what went wrong, thinking so much about the two children she loves.

Seemed she was afraid, embarrassed to reveal his death so as not to cause either of them any pain.

For shame.

Sister Non-Sinister and I both, are still grieving his loss while Momster is busy isolating herself.

Protecting her (__|__) assets.
Why so serious??

Maybe she’s hiding from the police, who knows, it’s a terrible, dreadful situation.

Mental illness does not give anyone the right to harm or manipulate anyone, this includes me.

No animals (moms, mothers, baby mommas, mamas, nanas, 🦙 or llamas) were harmed in this totally healthy, albeit unconventional, grieving process.

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

I pray that I may think God's thoughts after Him.

I pray that I may live as He wants me to live.

::::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - Buddha

Let justice be done, even if the sky should fall

::::::::::::::::::::: O :::::::::::::::::::::

Journaling is proving beneficial in furthering my sobriety.

I’ve spent five of the last ten years staying clean, sober and working on my mental health issues.

Today is your birthday 🎉 81-years-old.

May your day be filled with joy, love, happiness, guilt and remorse.

Remorse for my one and only nephew who you did nothing to help, when he needed it most.

Guilt for how you let the paramedics and police find him DEAD in his room, next door to yours.

More worried about how you would look, having to explain what happened.

Unbelievable.

It’s called the TRUTH, Mother.

The truth.

I’ve been living my truth for 61-months, tomorrow.

For the pain you’ve caused, here’s to another ten years of no contact.

Love,
#1. Guilt
#2. Your Golden Child
#3. Remorse

Fiat justitia ruat caelum

Let justice be done, even if the sky should fall

::::::::::::::::::::: O :::::::::::::::::::::

Journaling is proving beneficial in furthering my sobriety.

I’ve spent five of the last ten years staying clean, sober and working on my mental health issues.

Today is your birthday 🎉 81-years-old.

May your day be filled with joy, love, happiness, guilt and remorse.

Remorse for my one and only nephew who you did nothing to help him when he needed it most.

Guilt for how you let the paramedics and police find him DEAD in his room, next door to yours.

More worried about how you would look, having to explain what happened.

Unbelievable.

It’s called the TRUTH, Mother.

The truth.

I’ve been living my truth for 61-months, tomorrow.

For the pain you’ve caused, here’s to another ten years of no contact.

Love,
Guilt
Stephanie and
Remorse

Older model. Slightly used but still gets the job done.

Reliable, a little slow to start but when well lubricated the possibilities are endless. 🥰

If interested, contact owner to discuss any concerns with additional questions.

Serious inquiries only.

Responds well for someone good with their hands.

May leak lubrication fluid from contact with lips 👄 or mouth.

Batteries not included!

🤪

fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt

men generally believe what they want to

::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::

People generally believe what they want.

Right or wrong, it makes no difference.

This country has elected one of the most dangerous, powerful, despicable, politically corrupt politicians I have ever seen.

He tapped into his MAGA sheep 🐑 through confirmation bias.

Hey Siri, what’s the definition of Confirmation bias?

Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, and remember information in a way that confirms one's existing beliefs or values, often ignoring contradictory evidence.

This bias can lead to flawed decision-making and overconfidence in personal beliefs.

::::::::::::::::::::: O ::::::::::::::::::::

I pray that I may hold no resentments.

I pray that my mind may be washed clean of all past hates and fears.