u/Pale-Muscle-5176

I've picked up like a few solid hobbies/things that will help me in the long run mentally, but like apart from getting a job (im 17 & have been trying for a solid year) what else am i supposed to be doing???

I weight lift 6x a week, I read psychology & overall just good books, im learning my 2nd language for 2+ hrs a day (because I have so much time on my hands) I journal, keep my room tidy, do house work. But now i feel like a literal robot, what else am I supposed to be doing!! im out of college as well until mid September, and there's no clubs around me/sports shit.

this might be long, so please bare with me!

As a kid, I was never happy, and im not talking, oh a few bad days, or "having a tantrum". I was 8 when I started talking about death/wanting to die, and all sorts, and i even spoke to a psychiatrist by myself and told them that I felt like I was watching myself through a TV screen. The doctor himself told my Mom he'd never seen anything like this before. (implying its incredibly odd that me, at 8, was explaining how I was dissociating.)

But I had probably the most traumatising childhood I could've had. Step dad was DV towards my Mom, don't remember if I ever got treated the same, because my childhood is 90%, blocked out but i watched that constantly. Was also being relentlessly bullied by teachers/staff in school, because I was a very violent/unruly kid. I blame the amount of stress and unstability in my life. (but the bullying was being restrained by staff, locked in rooms, chased around for hours when I was scared shitless)

Anyway, point is, I was suicidal from age 8 till around 15, tried to off myself at 12, nearly again at 14, had an ED for over a year, S/H of all kinds, was groomed multiple times online for years, hypersexual from like age 8/9, etc etc. you get the point. I havent had a good upbringing.

But at some point during me being 14, something hit me, I was questioning if my step dad had SA'd me as a kid, my first instinct was to go to my Mom/sister, they both said if it had happened, id either have trouble urinating as a kid or there wouldve been signs they wouldve noticed, or that I "wasn't left alone with him enough for it to happen".

But I have so many signs? I mean no 9 year old girl knows sentences about sex that an abuser would say to a victim, or make dolls do sex acts, scribble out books to write disgusting content, or watches xxx content more than cartoons? I also had trouble sleeping every night during the time he lived with us, to the point where I was terrified of sleeping, I dont remember why, but having the hallway light on was incredibly scary to me, I wanted it pitch black.

I used to have sleep paralysis when my bed faced the door that led to the hallway (where his bedroom door was straight across from mine) and those nightmares were of a clown coming from that room, into my own, and I either had to pretend to sleep, or watch it as it approached me.

Maybe it was just nightmares, but I was never scared of clowns as a kid, I was scared of men. And I remember being alone with him partially, in his car ontw to places, or at random times. I remember him being really nice, friendly, jokey etc. but he was still just off to me. I dont know.

I feel so invalidated by my family by shutting me down, I mean it took courage for little 14 year old me to get up and say that, and when I tried again at 15/16/17 to voice this, it was the same answer, "oh he wouldn't do that, wasn't that kind of guy", but he'd beat you? try to kill you? do coke? but no he would never SA me, right?

What do I even do, let go of it? Sit with it the rest of my life, with this question in my head? Because it wasnt just those things that would make sense, I was experiencing the worst behavioural problems you ever see in little kids, I was a suicidal 9 year old who already started self harming, who already didn't want to live, and who already spent all day every day shouting screaming at the world. I just wanted support and yet no one even entertained the idea.

TL;DR what do I do when loads of sources are telling me (a complete beginner) to learn a certain way, but they all contradict each other & I want to ensure my self learning time isn't wasted?

I know that there's a guide in this subreddit in which I have squeezed the last little bit of info out of it, but im genuinely strugglinggggg. I dont get it, ive heard people say learn a bunch of words at the start, then ive heard people say that's useless you should be learning sentences?? Im clueless despite reading thousands of people's guides, and now I feel like I lack a brain.

I know the basis of "multiple exercises" of different forms, but not only are the resources for my TL extremely hard to find (IMO, either that or im very stupid) but they're confusing me so badly 😭 Because there's so much info out there that people are suggesting but everyone's got different opinions. I dont know where to begin despite reading where to like, 1000 times, they're all contradicting eachother!

And a worse thing, unless I have some sort of way of interacting with information it goes within seconds, Im starting to wonder if im not built to learn my own 50% halfs language atp, its so difficult to know wtaf im doing??​

What did you guys start out doing that got you on track? Like is there a smarter way to what most people say to language learning? Because I've seen people say flashcards don't help, or reading is the best way, or that newbies should do XYZ etc.

I cant find a decent plan for my free time (which is a lot of time icl) to sit and do?

literally feel like im lost in a goddamn forest. (fyi I'm learning European Portuguese (TL) if that's helpful somehow? everything I find is BR and it's so overwhelming)

sorry if this is stupid given the fact there is a guide in here (which ive read maybe twice now) but still worry I'm doing the wrong things, or that there's a better easier way to reaching my goals.

I need inspo for my weeks because im surviving off the same few dishes that are amazing!! but im adventurous with my spice and flavour pallet 😂

hi all, im F18 and I wanted to get advice on my personal childhood experiences, not to diagnose anything, but to see if im totally whacky for thinking this couldve happened or not?

When I was younger, my step dad was domestically violent to my mother, it was a hard thing to witness and be around growing up, but as I hit 14, I had this gut feeling that I couldnt push down.

Did he SA me?

there a lot of reasons ive thought of this for, and I want an honest opinion on them, so to make it less lengthy here's a list of my experiences.

• I was highly uncomfortable with sleeping with a light on as a kid, I felt vunreable and it just freaked me out, my direct fear i felt was about seeing someone come through the door to me, and it terrified me
• when my bed faced my door, which faced my parents room, Id have sleep paralysis of a clown coming from their bedroom. down that hallway towards me, I could either turn over and face the wall till it reached me, or keep my eyes on it till it went dark
• more worryingly other than nightmares, is that I (as a young child, maybe 8/9) tried to recreate "sexual scenes" with my sibling, it disgusts me to think about, but by the brief memory I have of it, It happened more than once as I remember my other sibling shouting to my mother that I was "doing it again" I didnt SA my sibling, but I tried to act out scenes where I used words and sentences an offender would. for specifics as disgusting as this is "does this feel good?" etc, in no way shape or form was I aware of what I was doing, as I was a little kid, but it wasnt just "exploring xyz" I was repeating words you hear from whatever else.
• I knew way more about sex than I should've, and I couldnt of stumbled upon it either. But from 8 I was watching porn, and I knew a lot about just A LOT.
• I became disgusted with my body for a while, and grew deep insecurities with my sexuality and thought it was wrong
• around the time I became 12-14 I purposefully sought out very wrong relationships with older men and ended up being groomed multiple times
• I was a incredibly hyper sexual kid, the lingo I used confused my Mom, I was doing things no kid should understand, always in trouble for being sexual most of the time etc
• I barely remember my upbringing either, I blocked it out years ago, but its scarred me forever
• The first time I properly had sex was also a weirdly scary thing for me, and not like "oh new thing" like laying there without a sense of control put this almost weird feeling of fear in my chest, it also hurt incredibly bad and I bled heavily
• I had a year where I had a severe fear of men to the point where I didnt wanna leave the house because I was having panic attacks from them. and this was years after he left my life when I started feeling sick about it.
• Eating disorders/various forms of S/H and mental health struggles over the years, and I tried to off myself when I was 12, ive been depressed and suicidal since I was little.
• I told a doctor at age 8 I felt like I was watching life from a TV screen, and how it was like I had no control over my body (dissociation) or that I dont remember doing things I had done (I was a very aggressive kid and was known for breaking shit in classes and being kicked out. it was clear something was going on)
• I was physically lashing out, and wouldn't remember doing so, but I was definitely a very angry traumatised kid.
• I had severe sleep issues and couldnt sleep at all, and would be put on sleep meds (that im still on now despite being able to sleep without them ) and these sleeping issues terrified me because when everyone was asleep I feared being alone in my room with the hallway light on.

There's obviously more, but its late and im trying to pick parts of my past lmao, am I wrong for suspecting this?

Context: Im 18F and shes 43F. We've never had a good relationship, she even admitted it herself, with the words "we did, when you were 8." which is crazy to me given that I'm so much older now.

Everything shes done to me has made me feel delusional, but here's the gist of it, any sort of thoughts are helpful as I still haven't gotten any outsider perspective, like ever lmao

ive spent years as a kid scared of her, I accepted she didnt love me long before I hit 10. I grew up in a bad home, she wont take responsibility for that, at all, and says shes done the "best she could raising [x] kids" so i dont waffle, as a list format here is nearly everything I experienced growing up :)

(does this sound remotely normal to you, and if not, what do I even do? I love my Mom at the end of the day, but I hate feeling like this with her.)

everything shes done to me growing up till now <3

• Being chased around the house to the point id lock myself in the bathroom sobbing afraid of getting hit/grabbed on my way out
• Being punished for being groomed online time after time instead of getting help
• Being name called for years, e.g. bitch, manipulative, a horrible person, etc
• Being told none of my siblings were like this
• occasionally being told she hated me (then taken back but still)
• When she found out I was S/H at 14/15 she demanded to "see them" otherwise id have no phone, and no door too. She never got me help, she just told me my S/H wasnt as bad A my older sisters
• When ive tried to express my feelings to her, she switches quickly and says "what about how I feel?" I grew up not being able to express my emotions and now I struggle with opening up
• When I cry because of what shes done, she'll tell me im either being dramatic, or to quit whining, or im "acting like a 5 year old"
• I tried to communicate to her one year that my S/H was also because of how she treated me and that it made me feel like I couldnt express my emotions verbally without fear of punishment, her exact response was "dont blame that on me, that was because of school."
• She genuinely does favour my younger sibling over me, its obvious in a lot of settings
• I came to her about my suspicions my step dad SAd me as a kid, and although he was domestically violent towards her for years, she said he'd "never do that" and I never recieved help for that either.
• There was a night in which me and my younger sibling were shouting at her about how much shes hurt us both growing up, and she played victim by crying, saying shes leaving the damn country, stormed out and said she "didnt deserve this disrespect" from us, and came home with my older sister an hour later who in which told us both that we shouldnt be making our Mom feel "unwanted"
• when we argue, she'll tell me in various ways how badly she wants to "slap me in the face" etc
• she gets in my face and grits her teeth at me, or raises her hands to hit me, in which sometimes she does
• There has been moments when I have told her "dont lay your hands on me" or "dont hit me" and most of the time she'll say if I didnt push her to that point she wouldnt have to, and that "shes only human and has limits too." + she never says the word hit when I tell her, she avoids it by saying "flicked, tapped" etc, but it'll leave red marks.
• shes threatened me as a older teen to call child services (and younger she'd threaten the police too), and has told me she'll "show me what real abuse is"