u/PapsofShrone

I've got a friendship that's been building for about three years with an older, married, conservative Christian man. We met through a shared interest, and early on he told me he is a Biblical Christian. He knew from the beginning that I am a gay man. He focuses on the two greatest commandments, love God and love your neighbor, as the frame for what was allowed between us. That opened the door for more emotional depth than you'd expect from a friendship where big differences in theology, gender and sexual identity exist. Over time it's grown into something that feels real on both sides: long talks where we share beliefs, moments where the connection has clearly deepened emotionally and spiritually.

There's been a pattern of moments and interactions that have caused me to pause and think: is he closeted? I can't prove that, and I'm not looking for anyone to confirm it.

Part of why I'm asking instead of just trusting my own read is that I came out fairly late (48 yo), been out for 6 years, and I'm not part of any LGBTQIA communities. I'm pretty introverted by nature, I tend to do better with a few close relationships than a wide circle, so I just don't have a lot of firsthand experience with other queer/gay men, closeted or otherwise, to calibrate against.

So whether you're currently closeted or have since come out, I'd genuinely love to hear how this has been for you. Not so I can map it onto my friend specifically, but because hearing the real thing from people who've lived it might help me bring what I'm noticing into better focus. Right now it's blurry.

What does it actually feel like (or what did it feel like) when you get emotionally close to another man? Does it depend on the person, some friendships staying easy while others get intense enough that you pull back, add boundaries, or lean harder into theology just to manage it?

When sexual feelings come up for someone, what tends to happen for you, internally and in how you act around them? How do you manage that, especially when it's a friendship you don't want to lose?

What do you wish people understood about what you're actually feeling and thinking underneath, whether that's something you're carrying now or something you carried at the time? And what helps (or helped) you feel safe or understood instead of exposed, in a close friendship?

Really just trying to learn from people who've lived it. Thank you in advance for reading and offering your experience.

I've got a friendship that's been building for about three years with an older (70s), married, conservative Christian man. We met through a shared interest, and early on he told me he is a Biblical Christian.

He focuses on the two greatest commandments, love God and love your neighbor, as the frame for what is allowed between us. That has opened the door for more emotional depth than you'd expect from a friendship where big differences in theology, gender and sexual identity exist. Over time it's grown into something that feels real on both sides: long talks where we share beliefs, moments where the connection has clearly deepened emotionally and spiritually.

There's been a pattern of moments and interactions that have caused me to pause and think: is he closeted? I can't prove that, and I'm not looking for anyone to confirm it.

Quick bit of context on identity: he knows me and relates to me as a married, gay man, but my identity is more complex than that.

Quick bit of context on faith too: I'm not Christian in the way he defines it. I come from a broader background in comparative spirituality, having spent my life cobbling together my own eclectic version of Christianity.

Part of why I'm asking instead of just trusting my own read is that I came out fairly late (50 yo), been out for 6 years, and I'm not part of any LGBTQIA communities. I'm pretty introverted by nature, I tend to do better with a few close relationships than a wide circle, so I just don't have a lot of firsthand experience with other queer/gay men, closeted or otherwise, to calibrate against.

So if you spent years closeted while trying to live faithfully as a Christian, I'd genuinely love to hear how that was for you. Not so I can map it onto my friend specifically, but because hearing the real thing from people who lived it might help me bring what I'm noticing into better focus. Right now it's blurry.

What does it actually feel like (or what did it feel like) when you get emotionally close to another man? Does it depend on the person, some friendships staying easy while others get intense enough that you pull back, add boundaries, or lean harder into theology just to manage it?

When you notice (or noticed) sexual feelings coming up for someone, what happens for you internally? How does that show up in your thoughts and behavior, do you find yourself pulling away, going quiet, overcompensating in some other direction? And how did or do you manage that, especially in a friendship you also value and don't want to lose?

What do you wish people understood about what you're actually feeling and thinking underneath, whether that's something you're carrying now or something you carried at the time? And what helps (or helped) you feel safe or understood instead of exposed, in a close friendship?

I've asked some specific questions above, but if there's anything else you think would help me understand this, anything I haven't thought to ask, I'd welcome it.

Really just trying to learn from people who've lived it. Thank you in advance for reading this and offering your experience.