🤐
Attempting to understand your emotions will always prove to futile because you are constantly changing your perception of me. it feels like some days you like me other days i feel like im just annoying you and i have said this over and over but it feels like my feelings and existence is merely a temporary matter to you. i cant even blame you because its my fault for allowing you to have this much power over my mind and feeling. Even now i sit here and right this knowing nothing will change and you probably think im doing to much for someone who im not currently with but all that shows is that you don’t listen and you never actually knew me, If you did you would be able to somewhat grasp just how much love i have for you in my heart. Yes we currently aren’t together but why do we as humans force each other to think that showing less love will allow us to feel more loved.I just want you to acknowledge me, or see me, not even in a romantic way i just want it to be how it was in the past. I miss the big smile i would bear when we talked or the euphoric satisfaction i felt whenever you would say certain things. I dont even fully understand how you have this much pull over me especially after everything but you do and i cant stop myself from longing for you. i distract myself everyday from the pain that you dont/wont see me anymore. I miss the first time i came over and you smiled at me and you felt so warm and happy. it was during that hangout when i first felt it, i got the feeling of being that same little kid wondering if i someone would actually ever learn to love and accept me for who i am, and you did. I remember the first time you called me baby boy and how much i felt in my heart and soul, or that first kiss that sent that shiver down my spine. You are such a special person to me that no matter how many times you have undermined my feelings or misunderstood me i could never bear any sort of resentment to you, when my friends all told me that you dont care about and swore you did or how no matter how much i tell myself to leave you alone and not think about you i find myself constantly crawling back. i think about you during the mundane moments of my day like when i stare at blank paper in english or whenever i hear certain drake songs. i wish you thought of me like that, i wish you cared about me like i care about you. Its hard going back to regularity when you were the regular-ness in my life, you were the only thing i thought for months. I told you im no longer living with regrets and i meant that almost. the only regret i have is not stopping myself that day, if i could have just mustered the strength to say no and mean it maybe this wouldnt be the position we’re in. But who knows. actually scratch that you know the funny thing is i can write all day about the love i have for you but it doesnt matter because i remembered you dont and probably wont/have never seen me for more than what my body is worth and thats fine as long as i can have you in my life i suppose🤷🏿♂️.