u/ParsnipFit592

I'm a full-time SAHM to BD16 and "ours" BS5. My BD's father has never been in her life and when I met my DH almost 9 years ago, he understood this. We are financially blessed and I am happy to be able to stay home with my kids and give them the lifestyle they wouldn't have if I was alone. He has a daughter, SD16, who is in the same grade as BD. I cannot stand this girl. I used to feel bad about it because she's not a badly-behaved kid and gets good grades/stays out of trouble, but I can't stand being in the same room as her. Just a profoundly loathsome, pretentious, know-it-all little beyotch who had a bad case of mini-wife syndrome when I first came into her life. Everything about her personality and communication grates on me and I was deeply relieved when DH agreed to reduce his custody from 50-50 to EOWE a few years ago. At one point it was down to one weekend a month and I was thrilled that HCBM seemed to be inching toward not sending her over here to us at all.

Well, things have now changed and due to HCBM's horrible judgment and trashy lifestyle, we now have SD full-time for the foreseeable future. I have been hardline NACHO with her for the past four years and refuse to take on any parenting duties for his child. No school runs (she can walk or ride her bike), no special meals (she is vegetarian and refuses to eat much of what I cook for my family, but there are no shortage of ingredients in the fridge and pantry and she’s welcome to make her own food), no pickups or drop-offs for any reason (call an Uber or walk). As long as she is in my house, she can do her own laundry, clean up after herself, and manage her own schedule if her father doesn’t do it for her. At bottom, I have no interest in blending our families and am essentially counting down the days until I can say "There's the door" in two years.

This wasn't a difficult boundary to maintain when we only had her EOWE and she mostly stayed in her room while visiting. However, things have gotten much messier since we got her FT as due to the sensitive nature of the DCF case and DH's guilt over how his reduced custody time contributed to the alleged abuse that got her removed, he has been tiptoeing around and indulging her at all opportunities. Boundaries I set years ago for good reason are now being crossed every day and I’m getting sick of it. Her birthday came and went last month and when no party or cake miraculously appeared (because her father did not take charge and these things are not my responsibility, as she is not my child, as I have explained countless times) he's been on my ass about needing to change how we do things in our home. His new leverage is that he claims he's going to reduce my household budget to exclude any/all expenses for BD unless I drop the NACHO boundaries in place and cave to her demands. Meanwhile SD gets to lounge around the house watching inappropriate shows (Rupaul, Love Island) on the family room TV with BS in the room and Doordashing Taco Bell on DH's credit card all day. DH works full-time and is not pulling his weight as a parent. This is not my problem to solve nor my responsibility to shoulder. But he has been on such a self-imposed guilt trip these past few months that nothing I say seemingly makes a difference.

Additionally, SD and BD do not get along and BD’s mental health has suffered from having SD here full time, but SD claims BD bullies her and of course DH privileges her due to the ongoing circumstances. BD is not an angel (what teen is?) but most of SD’s claims about her are so far-fetched as to be ludicrous, however there was a disciplinary case opened at their school in the spring after sensitive details of the DCF case were spread by her peers and SD claims BD was responsible. I know when my child lies and I know she's telling the truth when she says she wasn't involved, but DH doesn't care and says he's lost respect for me as a mother, which genuinely hurts.

There's a simple solution to all of this: SD has grandparents who are willing to take her and who only live an hour away! But DH is adamant that he isn’t going to "kick her out," although he seems fine with kicking BD out of the family budget to settle a petty score. I just don’t know where to go from here and my girlfriends have been less than helpful, even those with SKs of their own, because the details of SD's case are such that it clouds their judgment. However, they don't have to live with her and I do, and no amount of sympathy will change how I feel about this kid. It just won't. I'm sorry for what she's gone through but I don't want her in my house full time and I especially don't want to have to step in and act like her mom just because her real mom sucks. Has anyone dealt with this kind of petty BS before? Is there a way to salvage this disaster and move forward that doesn’t involve me leaving and taking my BKs away from a stable and happy family situation, nor caving to all of DH and SD's demands?

I'm a full-time SAHM to BD16 and "ours" BS5. My BD's father has never been in her life and when I met my DH almost 9 years ago, he understood this. We are financially blessed and I am happy to be able to stay home with my kids and give them the lifestyle they wouldn't have if I was alone. He has a daughter, SD16, who is in the same grade as BD. I cannot stand this girl. I used to feel bad about it because she's not a badly-behaved kid and gets good grades/stays out of trouble, but I can't stand being in the same room as her. Just a profoundly loathsome, pretentious, know-it-all little beyotch who had a bad case of mini-wife syndrome when I first came into her life. Everything about her personality and communication grates on me and I was deeply relieved when DH agreed to reduce his custody from 50-50 to EOWE a few years ago. At one point it was down to one weekend a month and I was thrilled that HCBM seemed to be inching toward not sending her over here to us at all.

Well, things have now changed and due to HCBM's horrible judgment and trashy lifestyle, we now have SD full-time for the foreseeable future. I have been hardline NACHO with her for the past four years and refuse to take on any parenting duties for his child. No school runs (she can walk or ride her bike), no special meals (she is vegetarian and refuses to eat much of what I cook for my family, but there are no shortage of ingredients in the fridge and pantry and she’s welcome to make her own food), no pickups or drop-offs for any reason (call an Uber or walk). As long as she is in my house, she can do her own laundry, clean up after herself, and manage her own schedule if her father doesn’t do it for her. At bottom, I have no interest in blending our families and am essentially counting down the days until I can say "There's the door" in two years.

This wasn't a difficult boundary to maintain when we only had her EOWE and she mostly stayed in her room while visiting. However, things have gotten much messier since we got her FT as due to the sensitive nature of the DCF case and DH's guilt over how his reduced custody time contributed to the alleged abuse that got her removed, he has been tiptoeing around and indulging her at all opportunities. Boundaries I set years ago for good reason are now being crossed every day and I’m getting sick of it. Her birthday came and went last month and when no party or cake miraculously appeared (because her father did not take charge and these things are not my responsibility, as she is not my child, as I have explained countless times) he's been on my ass about needing to change how we do things in our home. His new leverage is that he claims he's going to reduce my household budget to exclude any/all expenses for BD unless I drop the NACHO boundaries in place and cave to her demands. Meanwhile SD gets to lounge around the house watching inappropriate shows (Rupaul, Love Island) on the family room TV with BS in the room and Doordashing Taco Bell on DH's credit card all day. DH works full-time and is not pulling his weight as a parent. This is not my problem to solve nor my responsibility to shoulder. But he has been on such a self-imposed guilt trip these past few months that nothing I say seemingly makes a difference.

Additionally, SD and BD do not get along and BD’s mental health has suffered from having SD here full time, but SD claims BD bullies her and of course DH privileges her due to the ongoing circumstances. BD is not an angel (what teen is?) but most of SD’s claims about her are so far-fetched as to be ludicrous, however there was a disciplinary case opened at their school in the spring after sensitive details of the DCF case were spread by her peers and SD claims BD was responsible. I know when my child lies and I know she's telling the truth when she says she wasn't involved, but DH doesn't care and says he's lost respect for me as a mother, which genuinely hurts.

There's a simple solution to all of this: SD has grandparents who are willing to take her and who only live an hour away! But DH is adamant that he isn’t going to "kick her out," although he seems fine with kicking BD out of the family budget to settle a petty score. I just don’t know where to go from here and my girlfriends have been less than helpful, even those with SKs of their own, because the details of SD's case are such that it clouds their judgment. However, they don't have to live with her and I do, and no amount of sympathy will change how I feel about this kid. It just won't. I'm sorry for what she's gone through but I don't want her in my house full time and I especially don't want to have to step in and act like her mom just because her real mom sucks. Has anyone dealt with this kind of petty BS before? Is there a way to salvage this disaster and move forward that doesn’t involve me leaving and taking my BKs away from a stable and happy family situation, nor caving to all of DH and SD's demands?