u/Particular-Dot-7140

I'm an FA and I have handled things poorly with my DA boyfriend. I had no idea he was DA until very recently because he never communicates anything.

I have left him several times and he had always come right back e within days. Recently he opened up to me and that's how I confirmed he is indeed DA.

I have been doing therapy to better understand both attachment styles. I have learned a lot about how badly I handled things sometimes because he is a DA.

I want to tell him about what I have learned, areas where I will adjust my approach to not trigger him and how sorry I am for having unintentionally contributed to the issues we are having. How to communicate this without triggering him?

TIA

Hello, I'm a female FA (35) and I am new to this community, thanks for having me. Looking for other FAs or a DA to weigh in on a situation.

I am in a relationship with a DA male (38) and it's the first time I have had an avoidant partner. Being with him over the last 9 months has not been easy. My previous relationships were with secure partners and they had a pattern where I would become hyper-vigilant when there was confrontation leading me to withdraw and break up with the person if he didn't clue into this. I had no idea why at the time. At the 4 month point with my current partner, I began suspecting he was a DA. It brought the FA in me out like never before. A particular event caused me massive distress. I was aware he was friends with his ex girlfriend he dated before me. On his exs birthday he wished her a "Happy birthday my baby ❤️" on her Facebook page and I saw it (her bday came after mine). That morning my good morning text message to him (7:30am) was left unread. He responded at around 10:30am saying work was busy. Her privacy settings allowed me to see his happy bday post to her which happened at around 8am while my message was left unread. I felt shattered..He didn't contact me until 2pm on my birthday and had excuses why he was so late, he didn't wish me a happy bday on fb and would never comment on anything. I thought - big deal? That's not what counts. After seeing the post to his ex, I kicked him off all of my social media, sent him a screenshot of his post to her and told him it was over. We ended up back together. I told him that what he did crossed a line and said I was uncomfortable with the nature of their relationship and asked to see his text messages with her. He refused, left and texted me that if it was the only way he would show me the messages. I said no, he had time to delete anything questionable and it caused me to keep him at arms length.

I went into therapy realizing the FA side comes from being abandoned by my father in childhood because he cheated on my mother with another woman and decided to leave while we were not at home. My dad was my best friend when I was a child. It hurt. Through therapy, I discovered my partner might be a DA. Eventually my therapist decided I had made progress and it was time to see if my partner was actually a DA through applying what I have learned in our relationship.  No more chasing, allowing space, no emotionally charged text messages after conflict when he withdrew.

Sure enough, I altered my reactions in a way that won't trigger DA tendencies.  He opened up to me after 9 months confirming he couldn't show emotions/express feelings as a child. He showed me affection for the first time without me asking, made eye contact the whole night (he never did this before) and has started spending more time with me. He mentioned that sometimes he would rather go home after work to be alone but he thinks of how canceling our time together will affect me. In the passed we rarely did anything together other then visit each other.

He did the one thing that is usually game over with me by placing the comfort of another woman before mine and not giving me the same treatment. I love him but it is difficult for me to trust him. I have left him a few times because of painful experiences the DA side of him caused. He came back everytime.

My questions are :

1 - Are his recent steps out of the DA comfort zone actual progress or is he doing it to hide something?

2 - Is it normal to think I understand him in a deeper level because I also have childhood experiences that caused avoidant tendencies or is this something the brain does to justify staying?

3 - Is it valid to think his might still be with his ex and I am the side chick? If not, why would he keep her around?

4 - If you were in a similar situation,  what were your reasons for staying? What was the outcome? Would love to read your stories. 

I would love your insights/thoughts.