u/Party-Marsupial-8979

I hope what I’m trying to say makes sense, I realise it might be all over the place, I hope it’s ok to post in this group! I’m feeling emotional and I’m writing this on my phone. This will be long.

Does anyone else feel like they almost have to apologise for being protective or an active parent?
I’ve been pregnant twice, both our parents were inserting themselves early on and it was creating a lot of anxiety. Wanting to choose the name, dictating middle name, mentioning religion. How they would be “taking time off work to spend time with them” wanting to buy a car seat, pram etc. it felt like I was being completely bypassed.
Sadly both pregnancies ended in loss (MMC, 24 week TFMR)
Both mum and MIL told their workplace, friends, family that I was pregnant both times even after I asked not to share until certain scans, or unless we feel comfortable sharing to social media for example, which we never did. So they had to also tell everyone I lost the baby… twice. I feel like I haven’t been respected, and I haven’t been able to fully get over it.

This current pregnancy I didn’t tell my parents until after the early 16 week anatomy scan, close to 17 weeks. We didn’t tell my partners family until after 19 weeks. We learnt the first two pregnancies that it’s better off keeping it to ourselves for the peace, even though both sets of parents said they “knew” or they had a “gut feeling” When we did finally share.

My mum keeps making comments to my partner how they know I’ll be protective and that they will be “hanging for visits” this triggered him more then me because he feels equal feelings to myself and explained that “we both will be protective, and that you guys will always be welcome for visits”

I just sort of feel like my losses have ruined our families “grandparent experience” but how is it my fault? Is it really that bizarre that we won’t want baby out of our sight for a while? That we won’t want them having sleepovers, or be doing activities without us? Obviously when they are older and can communicate I’ll probably feel differently, but I just plan to be as present as I can soaking in all these moments. I’ve been trying to bring a baby earth side since I was 28, and will be 33 this year.
I spent a good year and a half after birthing my daughter waiting for genetic results wondering “will I ever have a healthy baby?” While watching countless friends from school, uni, parties, work posting their moments with their healthy baby, it almost ate away at my heart and soul 🥹

Has anyone else also had to deal with this? Did things calm down when baby arrived? I feel so protective, and I feel like I have to apologise for it and it’s really upsetting me.

I’m navigating my sub pregnancy and have had a handful of friends in recent conversations explain they never had the NIPT or any testing, due to age (because they were in their late 20s and didn’t need it) ahhh that’s not how it works…

You can be 23 and still get a high risk NIPT, age doesn’t matter. You can be 25 and find out that your baby has a genetic issue that both you and your husband carry but you didn’t know. You can be 28 and lose a baby to a de novo genetic mutation, and be told “it was bad luck.” There are so many things that can go wrong in pregnancy.

I’m so sick of the naive comments, the conversations etc. Age isn’t the only factor, issues can sadly hit anyone. Family history doesn’t matter, issues can still randomly hit you for the first time. It would feel nice I guess to still be in that naive bubble, and not be made to feel like an alien. I had a friend tell me her husband would never want her to terminate, no matter the issue. Another friend tells me that I could still have my baby because “she’d be so cute” even after explaining that her lungs were severely underdeveloped, she wouldn’t be able to breathe without me. Do people think?

Some of these pregnancy groups are also insufferable, is it just me? I see comments saying they would never terminate no matter what… “I’d love my baby no matter what” I just can’t help but eye roll.
there are too many opinions to do with situations they’ve never faced. Maybe it’s just unfortunately the groups and comments I see, but wow It’s amazing how uneducated people are on these things.

TW- MMC, TFMR, Chemical

I thought I was doing ok, I thought I was going to be ok being pregnant again… but as time goes on and the more I feel him move and kick I’m terrified to lose him. It seems in these groups so many people can’t catch a break. After an 11w MMC, a 24w TFMR due to a lethal form of skeletal dysplasia, and a chemical after losing over 30 kilos and allowing myself to grieve, I’m now over 16 weeks pregnant with a very active baby who seems to be healthy.

But when can I breathe? After the anatomy scan? After I reach 30 weeks? I see people on social media announcing at 8, 9 and 12 weeks and think how?! While I’m over here barely sharing with anyone waiting for the next thing to happen. I’m exhausted, I’m drained.

What did you do to help get by during your new pregnancy? Did you eventually announce to social media? Did you remove yourself from these groups?

I wasn’t prepared for how difficult it would be being pregnant again, but it’s so damn hard.

Goodness I could write a book on my traumas, but I’d be here a while. I’m sorry it’s so long and for spelling errors as I’m typing on my phone.

Sadly I lost a baby at 6 months pregnant. It was the most traumatic experience of my life giving birth to her and not being able to bring her home. My mum was beginning to overstep and push boundaries during the pregnancy, but once I lost her… you’d think it had happened to her. Constantly messaging me how upset she is, how much she’s crying, how she has nightmares, how she can’t sleep at night… it was insane to the point I had to cut her and or go LC. She’s extremely narcissistic and still didn’t understand why I didn’t want to speak to her. She inserted herself so badly in my grief it was an experience I wish I could erase it was that awful.

Well, Mother’s Day was arriving and OBVIOUSLY I wasn’t interested in that day at all, as it would have been my first. I was asked if I could help pick something out for her for Mother’s Day, and almost had a panic attack reading the message. I explained how I was feeling, and if it was ok if we could leave me out of anything to do with Mother’s Day as I was still grieving. Both mum and dad apologised and agreed. The day before Mother’s Day I texted mum explaining I wouldn’t be online socials as it would be too hard and that myself and partner would be doing something nice together and I would see her another day, she responded seeming to understand and I thought everything was….ok..? On Mother’s Day my partner gets a message asking if he had wished his mum a “Happy Mother’s Day” I then get a call from my dad, who enables my mums behaviour, basically asking why I didn’t wish her one, and that she’s a nightmare at home at the moment and if I could just send her a message. I was…. Baffled, angry, hurt. I haven’t been able to get over it deep down, to this day.

Last years Mother’s Day, I saved myself the trouble and messaged her “happy Mother’s Day” I waited a bit as I could see she was online, in hopes she would maybe contact me first as it’s a hard day for me… but no, of course not. I had a handful of friends, including my best friend message me that morning (not that I was expecting it) saying how they were thinking of me as they know how hard the day is and happy Mother’s Day, it brought me to tears. The fact that friends thought to message me a quick message, but my own mum couldn’t. When brought up in person, mum claims she didn’t say it as she didn’t want to upset or trigger me? Ah ok.

Now…. Yet again another Mother’s Day is coming up. I’ve already gotten a message inserting me in Mother’s Day again and helping with a specific gift, it triggered me. Mother’s Day is supposed to be up to the kids if they want to see you, or bring you a gift, it shouldn’t be expected, but for some reason it is for my mum… forget me though my child is dead. My other sibling gets a pass and everything is always expected from me, as he’s the golden child and I’m the scapegoat. What’s the obsession with this day? There is so much more I could write but honestly, I’d be here for too long.

Is anyone else’s mum like this? How do you navigate it. I’m exhausted, every time I see she’s messaged me I get anxious and tense up.