u/Past-Chemistry7796

I have no idea if i just have anxiety during sex or what but i always have this instinctual reaction to pull away or feel like touch is like a hot pan on a stove. This is despite me having an emotional connection with my partner, and i should note that i do have pain with penetration thanks to my birth control that i stopped a month ago. However he agreed to not do that with me (though he refuses for it to be forever which i expected and dont wanna force that onto him) and i haven't for a while, but i still feel like being even touched by him in other sexual ways is reactive for me.

Hes demisexual as well, but i cant seem to get behind why he needs penetration or sex period. Obviously yes i know hes a man and human and the general idea of humans want sex and need it for strong relationships. But i dont feel like i do. He says that just sounds like a platonic relationship to him, but i dont see it as platonic at all.

Im unsure if its somehow just him or if my sexual needs/attractions fluctuate depending on the person, or if my birth control just did all of this to me. You can also guess i have an extremely low libido. Ive been taking all kinds of pills and supplements and things from adult stores hoping that it'll make touch from him feel different, or at least let me feel aroused like i used to, but nothing works. I talk about my kinks and sexual fantasies in past tense, i dont write or read or even enjoy smut anymore. My insurance doesnt cover going to any sort of sex therapist and i dont even have access to a gyn without paying at least 300$ a visit. Im trying and taking these things honestly looking for a miracle pill that doesnt really exist, but i dont know whats really going on or what else im supposed to do. Does anyone have any insight or maybe i jus align with something else? If it helps, im fairly positive ive always been on the ace spectrum, i decided that in middle school. I guess im just struggling again with what makes sense.

I think this entire concept of me trying to figure this out is really funny as it aligns with both the 4 and 5 types.

I came across this because i watch videos in the background while i draw, and one of them being how to write different characters archerypes, while using the enneagrams as a guideline to make good compelling characters. It started off with me trying to match characters i had already made to different types. However when i got to 5, i rewatched the video multiple times because of how similar it sounded.

I am a very analytical person. I prefer watching people do things and making my own conclusions about why people are the way they are, or why human nature makes us act a certain way. Im very big on psychology and philosophy, and i find myself extremely uncomfortable both with emotions of my own and other people. When people around me start to feel "too much" or when i notice that emotions are consuming me, i get uncomfortable, self isolate and am convinced that its what i need. That if theres no one around, nothing makes me feel terrible, and thats something i want to be comfortable with.

Im also very big on the idea of "thats just how things are" when it comes to how i see the world. Because of that I can be very pessimistic, and this leads into the negative side of the 4 type as well.

As much as i hate feeling, i just fucking do. I feel a lot and it frustrates me because as a self aware person with a BPD diagnosis, i know that my emotions can be a lot for the people around me. This circles back to the earlier point of how i will isolate in order to regulate myself. I fear abandonment, thats quite actually the 1# symptom of having the disorder. Chronic feelings of emptiness however, is also a symptom. Which is something i feel daily. It's a constant switch back and forth between feeling nothing and being unemotional, to something just happened and now I'm dwelling on it for hours. Rinse repeat.

Its said that 4s care more about self identity while 5s care more about being intellectually strong and competent.

I care deeply about both. I need to have a logical explanation or reason for things, i need everything around me and the things that i do to make sense. Its why im so self aware, i often know what my problems are when it comes to my personality disorder. I know when im doing things i shouldnt and i notice when my actions are affecting others negatively. An non self aware person that has bpd would never be able to notice these things, and that is why they fail to improve themselves or fail to seek help. I will research things about myself for hours, and maybe that comes with bpd having an unstable sense of self.

I want to know who i am. I need to know and understand it. To the point where if someone asked me "whats your personality, i could just tell them in a non complex way." Doing that will somehow internally prove that i actually know something. That i am as smart as i or other people say i am. I care so much about wanting to be knowledgeable that despite being introverted i push myself to be around people that are like minded or that will debate or theorize about topics that, in my partners words, "have no real tangible end or solution." I fear being seen as dumb or uninformed, as i admire and aspire to be those who are skilled with their wit and tongue. I also genuinely believe that filling myself with knowledge and facts will keep my head out of my heart, but also show that im headed on a path to stability. Stoicism and less chaotic. I want and need research and understanding to ground me in reality.

When it comes to relationships, my relationship will not thrive if my partner cannot stimulate me mentally, as my body and my mind are distinctively separate in intimate situations, which has made my relationships difficult.

The hilarious thing is that im a furry. Furries care so much about self expression and self discovery.

I have multiple fursonas that are an exact copy of different core aspects of myself. I have multiple fursonas because i cant seem to feel like one complete understood thing. One of my sonas has a story tied to them, being that they are the Lord of Chaos. She is a primordial creature with a powerful intelect over how the world and universe works, being one of the two beings who helped research and shape it. And she struggles to contain her emotions and pessimism, because what happens when you give the embodiment of chaos a human consciousness? (This is in regards to self destructive behavior that stems from Bpd.) The other is a nonchalant bunny who keeps to herself and is a reflection of my emotional numbness.

All and all, i cant seem to come to a conclusion on which wing and core i might actually be. I theorize its because of how unstable i can be when it comes to my actual personality. But its funny to me. I believe me beginning to research this, going into the rabbit hole, and looking into it for accuracy and genuine interest and understanding pulls from type 5. But that understanding ultimately links with type 4, as i corny as it may be it'll bring me closer to stability on who i actually am. Someone said in a YouTube comment section and i can't remember which type they were taking about, but they said either being a 5w4 or 4w5 feels like being a fraud and i related very hard to whichever that one was. 🤣