I'm not sure who's the victim... and if it was sexual assault/CSA/COCSA?
Trigger Warning: quite detailed (maybe?), might be uncomfortable, and messed up...
I am only having the courage to open up about this now. Ever since I was a kid, I remember being hypersexual. I don't know if it was due to unfiltered media exposure or peer influence. Maybe both. But I remember sharing inappropriate touches with a classmate back in elementary school. I also have a very hazy memory of my younger uncle dry humping me on the bed but, I don't know if it was real. The memories are all hazy I don't know if I can trust them. I wonder if he remembers. He was also just an adolescent that time (maybe 16 or someone before his 20s) I'm not sure. I still see this uncle, he's married now, and I am in good terms with him even though sometimes I wonder about that memory. There are no physiological/emotional responses when I remember or see him. I've no interest in bringing it up with him and if ever that was real, I have already forgiven him.
I also have memories of when my parents talked to me about questionable searches in our family computer before. NSFW material and all that sort, they talked some sense into me (they were patient and kind about it) and for a while I stopped.
By the time I reached a certain age (not sure if it was the age of 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, or 13) I had an experience that still perplexes me until this day. There came a time when I was reintroduced to porn. Classmates of mine borrowed my phone and downloaded porn on it. Maybe since then, that's what re-triggered my hypersexuality again. But that was not the only concerning part...
One night I shared a bed with a relative and their hired help who was much older than me. I believe he ( the help) was either in college (20s) or someone just about to be college. I was a mischievous and curious kid. I'd test boundaries and rules such as hiding, peeking, stealing, and other "minor" rule breaking behaviors behind adults' backs.
I awoke that night and made advances furtively up until I reached inside his shorts in the guise of being asleep and shifting my hands and position. I knew he was awake and he made no action to stop me nor to admonish me. He even returned a few touches down there to me. We woke up the next morning like nothing happened and he only patted my back casually as he served breakfast.
As a child, perhaps I took that as an invitation. There would be times where I'd see him in his room and he would be asleep. I would pull his shorts down halfway and put his member in my mouth temporarily. It happened a few times, the touching, groping, and pulling his shorts down.
Looking back, I knew he was really awake and knew what was happening. But I never once was stopped by him nor did he "awaken." As the hired help, he was someone who was woken easily. But everytime it came to what I would do, he wouldn't wake up easily. After those instances we'd go on about our day pretending nothing has happened. He was someone who later also had rumors with taking young male stutdents to his quarters.
Years have passed. He's far away now. Last time he saw me once again was in highschool before he moved away for work.
I'm left wondering... I don't know if I was the one who triggered his probelmatic behavior of inviting young male students, and if he was the victim of what I have done.
Or was I the victim as a minor? And was he supposed to be responsible for stopping me since he was the adult?
What I am sure about though, is that it has left me messed up in ways I may be less aware of and care to admit. I felt guilt and shame about what happened. Although I am able to function generally fine. I haven't told anyone about this. I've accepted what happened and it will be something I'll be carrying by myself.... I sometimes wish I made better choices as a kid though.