So first of all, I understand I cannot post here forever but I truly want to share something new because I believe its relevant and many of you gave me advice. If this post is not OK, I will take it down

His assistant called me. She is an older lady who he trusts also on a personal level (she is the only assistant he ever had that he gets along with. the lady is in her early 60s, close to retirement). She called me and said she is aware she is risking her job but she cares for him and wants me to know he needs help. First of all she told me what I already knew ( he is on antidepressants) but many more. He cancelled many of his meetings or simply asked one of his trusted direct reports to represent him because he was having panic attacks and also would say something she didn't understand because it was in Russian. he wasn't talking to her. he had his hands covering his face and when she put her hand on his shoulder he would jump like he got scared or felt in danger.

she also said she caught him once. (she should have been on her lunch break) he had on his phone a photo of a little boy. but it looked like a real old photo. she didn't see very well as she was behind him but heard him sobbing and walked out. he never knew she heard that and later that day he showed her the photo and said thats him. but he was already in a good mood.

the reason she called me is that she is also worried with these many days off and she said he has 2 extremes at work: either he doesn't care about anything and doesn't do anything, doesn't take calls, declined meeting invitations and so on, even fights and yells at people all the time which brought him 3 HR reports already (he called a 22 years old woman a stoopid barbie and she reported him - well it was brave to be honest, as he is the VP)

I did not tell him anything about this as I don't want to put her job at risk, but I decided to give it another try if he wants to too. I told him I can go to therapy with him and also I am willing to take our children too. they need to know about his past and I apologised for not really allowing him to talk about himself. And he told me its fine, he is not mad at me or at anyone. OK, so therapy? and he said no, he just wants to deal with it himself. SO I don't know what to do, but I begegd him to not go to that place, not alone and not now. he is too vulnerable. and he said he survived it when he was way more vulnerable.

tl dr original post:

my husband grew up in an orphanage with hundreds other children in an ex communist bloc country. he was SA-ed multiple times at 6 by a guardian. kids were mistreated, fed barely edible food and kept in cold, sometimes showered with cold water (husband now only showers or baths in extremely hot water and the temperature in our house during winters is almost too much for me and our kids, but he is cold all the time). his mother was 15 when had him (she used to sleep with soldiers so he has no idea who his father is, but she was also an orphan so complex dynamic) and this woman he reconnected with is his first girlfriend. they met in the orphanage and were separated 2 times (moved to different places and lost touch). he cried when he saw her now after more than 2 decades and hugged her like he never does with me or our kids. he is now doing great as a senior VP of a company

I took my children (16M and 14F) , my parents and my daughter's boyfriend to a resort in the mountains as we all needed to unwind and he left god knows where. we had a call today and I put him on speaker and I told him he is on speaker so didn't hide and asked him to tell us if he ever loved us. need to clarify: just me and the kids were there, not my parents. And he hung up. there is my answer and my children understood too. they were mature enough not to make a scene. but as my daughter said: we have each other. grandparents, cousins, uncles. he has no one, he will be alone when he leaves us for good to chase a fantasy.

I admit I made mistakes in my marriage, in the way I raised children but the biggest one was chasing obsessively a man that never wanted me. I will need therapy too

TLDR for original post

my husband grew up in an orphanage with hundreds other children in an ex communist bloc country. he was SA-ed multiple times at 6 by a guardian. kids were mistreated, fed barely edible food and kept in cold, sometimes showered with cold water (husband now only showers or baths in extremely hot water and the temperature in our house during winters is almost too much for me and our kids, but he is cold all the time). his mother was 15 when had him (she used to sleep with soldiers so he has no idea who his father is, but she was also an orphan so complex dynamic) and this woman he reconnected with is his first girlfriend. they met in the orphanage and were separated 2 times (moved to different places and lost touch). he cried when he saw her now after more than 2 decades and hugged her like he never does with me or our kids. he is now doing great as a senior VP of a company

You can find the original post and update on my feed.

As I said he spent some time (night and day) at a hotel. He returned and I immediately asked if he was with her. He said he wasn't. He was getting drunk in a hotel room alone (he said I can go and ask if I want). He was honest with me I believe and for the first time he opened up and said he has been on anti depressants since 2025 and thought of ending it all (not our marriage, his life). He said he hates his life and all he has it's work. I started crying because what is my role and even more important the role of his children. I didn't even say ours, I said YOUR children and he told me he never felt those are his children.

I lost it at that point. We are textbook definition of "her genes didn't even try". Both, son and daughter have light brown hair, blue eyes, pale skin, are tall and lean like him. and he said he didn't mean it like that and he knows biologically the children are his and he never had any doubts. But he cannot connect with them and never could and then added that he never really connected with anyone. And his children are exactly what he hated while being a kid himself. spoiled brats that think they are better than anyone else because they got the right parents. he never got to raise his children and admitted that maybe he was never fitted for it or for marriage or any kind of family. he admitted he has terrible nightmares and had them for years. he said he lied 2 times to me about going on a business trip (he is a senior VP) he actually went to a hotel, alone, because he couldn't stop the panic attacks and he didn't want me to know.

i asked him if he cheated on me with this woman, now. and he said he did not. I am hurt and angry. I should never have married him and give my children such a father. He knew who I am, who he is marrying, what family he marries into. he had to ruin us. Also, I admit our children are spoiled, but they are not spoiled in that bad way. they are not mean to others, they do not bully anyone. they are just... a bit superficial

edit. have to add this TL;DR for the Original post: my husband grew up in an orphanage with hundreds other children in an ex communist bloc country. he was SA-ed multiple times at 6 by a guardian. kids were mistreated, fed barely edible food and kept in cold, sometimes showered with cold water (husband now only showers or baths in extremely hot water and the temperature in our house during winters is almost too much for me and our kids, but he is cold all the time). his mother was 15 when had him (she used to sleep with soldiers so he has no idea who his father is, but she was also an orphan so complex dynamic) and this woman he reconnected with is his first girlfriend. they met in the orphanage and were separated 2 times (moved to different places and lost touch). he cried when he saw her now after more than 2 decades and hugged her like he never does with me or our kids

We talked about it. I asked him if he plans to be with her. He said he doesn't. he was pretty much calm up until I asked him if he wants to help/support her somehow. Then he snapped and said this is a woman who doesn't need anyone's help, she can make it on her own. He accused me of not having any idea of what they both went through and what an orphanage in the ex communist bloc looked like - because for me losing the keys to the car he bought me is enough to have a meltdown.

we had a heated conversation and I asked him if he would have married her in other circumstances and he said of course. thats what their plan was since they were kids, even before they dated. so... is she the love of your life? and he said I oversimplify this. he is happy with his family (me and kids) but yes, if the government didn't separate them and made it impossible for some years to get back in touch, through they both tried, he would have married her.

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WE have a solid marriage and got together in our mid 20s. I would say we both made it. I am an accountant and he made it very far in his career (Senior VP) . He has a complicated past. Emigrated here but was born and raised in a country from the Former Soviet bloc, in an orphanage. he used to tell me the conditions were miserable. Roaches, rats, cold, fear. He was r.. aped at 6.

And he dated this girl. They were both in high school, both unwanted abandoned children.

They befriended when they were 8 and 9, were separated and then reunited some years later. dated since she was 15 and he was 16 for one year and a half and separated again.

I will not go into too many details but they reconnected now. I wanted to go with him, he didn't really like it but agreed. he said she is just a friend. but when they saw each other and they hugged he started crying. I never saw my rational and emotionally detached husband cry.

he introduced us and we spent some time together and then we returned home and my daughter told me she also saw him crying. She wasn't that lucky, fought with addiction, depression.

my husband has a very busy schedule and today I called his office and his assistant told me that he actually took a whole week off - starting today. He didn't tell me anything and my husband never takes vacation, he is a workaholic and believes no one can do any job if he ain't there. I asked him about it and he said he forgot to tell me. OK, but why a week off?

he said he is very tired.

I then asked if all this has anything to do with that woman and his answer was that it was intrusive from my side that I wanted to join him when he met her and I acted arrogantly and superior. I didn't. He is usually the arrogant one actually.

WE have a solid marriage and got together in our mid 20s. I would say we both made it. I am an accountant and he made it very far in his career (Senior VP) . He has a complicated past. Emigrated here but was born and raised in a country from the Former Soviet bloc, in an orphanage. he used to tell me the conditions were miserable. Roaches, rats, cold, fear. He was r.. aped at 6.

And he dated this girl. They were both in high school, both unwanted abandoned children.

They befriended when they were 8 and 9, were separated and then reunited some years later. dated since she was 15 and he was 16 for one year and a half and separated again.

I will not go into too many details but they reconnected now. I wanted to go with him, he didn't really like it but agreed. he said she is just a friend. but when they saw each other and they hugged he started crying. I never saw my rational and emotionally detached husband cry.

he introduced us and we spent some time together and then we returned home and my daughter told me she also saw him crying. She wasn't that lucky, fought with addiction, depression.

my husband has a very busy schedule and today I called his office and his assistant told me that he actually took a whole week off - starting today. He didn't tell me anything and my husband never takes vacation, he is a workaholic and believes no one can do any job if he ain't there. I asked him about it and he said he forgot to tell me. OK, but why a week off?

he said he is very tired.

I then asked if all this has anything to do with that woman and his answer was that it was intrusive from my side that I wanted to join him when he met her and I acted arrogantly and superior. I didn't. He is usually the arrogant one actually. What do I do about this woman