ADHD w OCD Husband
Does anyone else have this dynamic at home? I have struggled with ADHD my whole life. It’s impacted so many life and I’ve learned with time the systems that work for me at home, at work, with family and friends, and I implement them daily. I’m actually quite proud of the progress I’ve made. I got married a couple years ago and I suspect my husband is OCD (possibly spectrum as well). Disorder in any capacity, and I’m even talking water drops around the sink send him into a frenzy. Dishes need to be cleaned immediately (even before we eat), dishes need to be put away as soon as the dishwasher finishes, cabinets should not be left open, pots or pans should be washed as soon as we are done using them, doors need to be locked properly, the list goes on and on. When I realized these things gave him anxiety I started working on my empathy for his situation and tried to adjust my behaviors to be more comfortable for him as well but it’s coming to an impasse. He’s hyper critical of how I do things, often connects it to flaws in my character when I’ve told him so many times, this is part of my ADHD. I work on it but truly the standard you have is not something I can meet every day. I started a new job the other day and he was complaining about needing to swiffer the floors, I told him why don’t you do it while I’m at work (I’m often the one to do it since I was home a lot before) and I’ll mop when I’m home or on the weekend when there’s more time. You can tell he needs it to be done NOW. And honestly when I’m planning for something new like a new job, I need to focus on that thing, remember to fill out this form, bring my ID, get properly dressed, hair and makeup, etc. all these things take a lot of mental space for me so adding things like the floor needing to be cleaned feels frivolous to me. I also don’t quite understand it because as someone who struggles with anxiety myself around germs and medical things, I never impose those rituals I need to do sometimes to quell my anxiety on others. Anyway, has anyone had a similar dynamic? Any tool that are helpful for understanding the other? It just feels like this terrible cycle of each of us not feeling heard or understood, and I do get him. I understand that he feels like he needs to do these things now, but it’s just hard meeting these insanely high standards on a daily basis and also meet my own needs.