Realizing that I’m regressing on my self love journey :(
Hey y’all. Hope you’re having a good day so far. As the title mentions. I’m having a brain blast revelation that despite literal years of work in therapy I am literally backsliding into self loathing for a range of reasons, the main two I’m ruminating on right now are:
No contact with most of my family. I had (have?) a really abusive mom, she was super good at hiding it with others but as the only daughter I think she saw her neurodivergent traits in me and tried to beat, criticize and verbally abuse me into line, didn’t work out so well for her but I’m constantly picking up the pieces. I feel fundamentally unlovable because I don’t have a mom who loves me. And it’s like if my mom won’t love me properly who can? My dad died very horribly and suddenly in 2017 and sometimes it feels like the only person who ever truly loved ME is gone. I’m sitting here thinking about all the anger I have inside me from being let down by so many people that either refuse to see me for who I am or just don’t bother to try, and most of these folks are “family.” I’m very lucky to have a loving husband, from which I’ve made a decent “found family” but even for some of these people I’m just a door mat. I’m so so tired of feeling like my feelings come last and if I don’t act the way I’m “expected to” and “stay in line” then I’m not able to be loved. This feeling makes it even harder to consistently like myself. I get to a point where I just keep having those same “what is wrong with me??”thoughts.
Being child free and feeling “wrong” for it or like I don’t “fit in” or I’m not being the correct “woman” (even though I’m NB and don’t strictly subscribe myself to the gender) this has been huge on my mind lately. Everyone around me is having kids. I used to think I never wanted them but now I don’t even know anymore because I kinda feel like a dickhead for not wanting them, and selfishly I’m like man I sure would like to have a “do over” of my mom and I’s relationship and love a kid the way they deserve. But I know that’s not a good reason to have a kid and honestly it would probably kick me into permanent burnout. That’s what happened with my mom which I’m pretty sure is another reason she resented me so much.
I’m currently on a solo trip to Japan that I was so looking forward to. I saved up for a year and a half and I was so excited to have “me time” and I’m realizing I didn’t even really get to enjoy it, which I know sounds bonkers, because I got to do and see so much cool stuff. But I just feel sad. And I feel lonely. I did almost this exact trip in 2024 and it was a completely different experience. I remember crying to my therapist after that trip that I felt like I had made such progress with learning to love myself and who I am. I’m just sitting here, I have a few hours before I’m back to the airport to go home, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks that I burnt myself out on this trip trying to be the “perfect tourist”. Trying to follow all these rules, most of them self imposed. Additionally feeling extremely self conscious. About my tattoos, about my weight, about my hair. I’m realizing this entire trip I’ve been being nagged by an internal critical goblin. And I’m just like wow, I think I fucking hate myself. There was a point in time where I wouldn’t have said that. But I’m just at a point in my life where I feel so defeated. Anyway, I’m not sure if any of this makes sense. I just wanted to get this off of my chest to a community that might understand. Thanks for listening.