u/PearlsAndPoison

Please forgive me if my English isn’t perfect.

So (25F) I started my journey with mushrooms a week and a half ago as a way to heal from numerous childhood and lifelong abuse traumas, also hoping to treat my ADHD and brain fogs. I’m used to disassociate with my emotions or have anger issues I suppress ending up killing me from the inside. All of this manifests as survival mode, isolation, social anxiety and a struggle to keep my life in order and feeling safe despite being successful. I noticed all of this created a lot of inner blockages hard to overcome and I’ve been doing therapy for years yet still feel held back and overwhelmed. I’m getting tired of escaping with work and exercise.

I started with 0.150g of dried Psilocybe ochraceocentrata, doing 4 days in 3 days out (Paul Stamets protocol). I pair this with the MyCommunity 17 Species Blend Mushroom Supplement from Host Defense. Here is what I already noticed :
- I became a smoother talker, approaching and talking to people when I would never do that before. People feel more comfortable around me.
- i’m less anxious.
- Time moves slower. With my ADHD I always struggled with time perception, always being surprised at how fast time would go when rushing and feeling out of time. I still rush but time doesn’t move as fast.
- I’m more emotional and I’m convinced it’s all the suppression finally coming out and getting processed. So I can finally connect with my inner world and compass, feel compassion for myself.
- I have so much more compassion for people. It wasn’t much of a problem before but it felt more like I was just submerged with foreign absorbed energies i didn’t ask for. I was constantly overstimulated not being able to process my own. Now it feels much more like all-encompassing love. I almost see each person as their inner child silenced by society. Needing just few genuine words to be seen. Being offered compassion in a harsh world. But this one is a bit complicated cause I feel like I need to tone it down a notch not to send the wrong signals as someone susceptible to be taken advantage of.
- I can feel my own presence more, I’m more anchored and confident in myself. I speak with even more composure than usual.
For those familiar with it, i feel like my aura is stronger as well cause I notice how people stare and approach more than usual looking very curious.

I don’t think this is placebo as I have object permanence and these observations came from introspections I had today. Please feel free to comment your own experience and thoughts if desired

This is my very first time microdosing and any type of psychedelic.
NOBODY TOLD ME LIFE COULD BE THIS FUN????
I can’t stop dancing, singing, and laughing for no reason you guys. I love you all. You’re all so beautiful. I wish I could give every single one of you a big hug and little kisses on your cheeks while telling you how much I love you and how important you are. I’m crying of joy typing this right now

My appartement building has mostly floor-to-ceiling windows facing the parking and another building and I often catch neighbors looking up when they smoke. My dream is to catch one of them while half naked looking embarrassed because they realized I saw them too.
If somebody has to be embarrassed it’s them cause why are they looking over here ? Now it’s gonna be our little secret and when we’ll cross paths in the neighborhood you’ll know that I know that you know… but I won’t say anything about it no no no. Just stare :)

Anybody healed from this placement (or similar) and found a way to own it, alchemize it and/or become immune to this ? If so how has your life been since then ?
I have Lilith conjunct Neptune in the 1st house and Venus conjunct Pluto right on MC, 11H. I’m hyper vigilant because of what I went through and no matter how kind I am to people, try to make them feel comfortable redirect the attention or fade in the background, I’m always caught in the middle of schemes and getting ostracized on purpose. People confess to me the insecurities I trigger in them and it always happens the same way : 1st they love me (or straight hate), 2nd they confess, 3rd they resent and plot against me.
I don’t mind being a loner but I feel like community is important to survive in that world, maybe even more as a woman. Hoping it will get better eventually…

(RANT)

I'm hardly battling between the belief that things can change and that it is what it is, we cannot change anything. I spent my entire life wondering about the purpose of it all. If as a soul I chose this life, why such an isolating life ? Why do I feel imprisoned in an open jail ? What did I do that i'm not aware of in my past life ??? If we are all one as a consciousness why do we have to pay as individuals for past mistakes ??? It doesn't make sense... Why should there be a tracking of our individual past if we are one and a whole ?

It's not funny I swear to God I rather just sleep forever. When I'm gone I don't want to come back (I'm too coward to 🔪 myself, chill). I went to astrology to understand the structure of it all and my own, trying to see what I can do with the cards I've been given... all to discover that it confirms my perceptions of a life of punishment and alienation. If I was given an energetic signature at birth and my Vedic says that I'm attracting the intensity I put out, then doesn't it mean I'm doomed ? That I will always vibrate at the same range of frequency and attract the same things ? Is this why every time I think "this time, it's the good one. This one will be a healthy peaceful place" I get smashed down ? When I thought I could maybe manifest a better reality it's like the universe is laughing at me knowing an other transformation is in the coming. F that Scorpio Pluto Neptune or Saturn sht I'm tired of this. Some people just live, can give and receive love in security, without being stabbed in the back. Even when I follow my heart blindly it's always met with disaster. I thought love was free ? Why is it so hard then not to be used and abused ? I don't even know who I'm supposed to hate anymore for all this. My parents for the core trauma ? Myself (though it always made things worse) ? My abusers ? The universe for that game ? WHOOOOO ?!

Should I just give up and accept it ? I can do so, until the end. I just need to be made aware of the rule. Before you say the ego has to die and no hate etc THEN WHY SHOULD I EXIST IF I HAVE TO DIE DURING MY LIFE AND PRETEND I'M IMPERVIOUS TO ANYTHING ??? It doesn't make sense