u/Perfect-Jelly2976

First post here, Hiiii <3

I’m Mil, 22, enby and my pronouns are They/Them.

I have very recently accepted that I’m aroace after a very long and to be honest, a very distressing journey to acceptance of this.

But I’m here now and happier than ever and as I look back over the years, I’m realising there were DEFINITELY signs I was aroace growing up.

One of them id like to share with you because I wanna know if anyone else experienced this.

All through my teenage years, I watched everyone around me develop crushes. I did not. every time anyone asked me who my crush was, I used to look around at the boys and either pick one at random that I thought was aesthetically pleasing or even, at the time, unknowingly gave me gender envy.

Other times, I would look around and think “ew.”

This was until I met a girl in my English class. I caught her looking at me. So I looked at her and smiled, she smiled back. And this kept going throughout the lesson until we finally spoke.

We became very close friends, and physically affectionate too and I thought I was developing a crush on her. I was 13 and she remains 1 of 2 crushes I have ever had.

(Now as an adult I realise it was Queer Platonic attraction)

Ever since, every time someone insinuated I liked boys, I would get defensive asf and declare “NOIMGAY”. It even happened one time with my doctor when he asked if there was a chance I could be pregnant.

It felt almost involuntarily, I very loudly stated “OH, NO IM GAY.”

It didn’t feel right. And I felt awful every time I did it. But if someone assumed I was interested in a girl, I would feel just as defensive as I did for boys.

I later realised - stating that I was a lesbian was my only way to vocalise my unavailability and romantic disinterest. And of course- this only worked so long as I wasn’t actually around single queer women.

(I am oriented tho but only in a queer platonic way so that at least feels a little less dishonest ig.)

Lmk if you’ve experienced the same thing or something similar!
Thank you! <3

You’re all so welcoming and kind.

When I was a young transmasc kid- When III was a young Warthoooog Lmfao I couldn’t help but hear that as I typed that, sorry,

when I was a kid going through early puberty, I used to randomly take some time to look at my (somewhat) hairy legs in my blue plaid pj bottoms and socks and it would make me feel very satisfied because it looked like I had “boy legs” whatever tf that meant.

I did it again after I got changed for bed and felt euphoric because the hair is coming back after shaving and I thought “oh, boy legs.”

Having just realised recently that I’m transmasc, I went “omg I used to do this as a- Ohhhhh”

Now, I’ve had A LOT of realisations lately that have made a lot of things suddenly make sense or just overall make more sense.

I’m curious and looking for a giggle, so, What were some of yours?

ABSOLUTE EUPHORIA, was felt today for the *first* time.

Went to a shopping mall, felt very self conscious and worried because I had to get new clothes for work in September and allllllllllll throughout my life, I have *struggled* to get trousers that fit me and don't have me fighting 'em, sweating, cursing and crying in the changing rooms.
Have always hated how women's jeans fit me.
I can go 5 sizes up and the only material they added was around my *shins*. ??? Literally why do they do that ?? Its so stupid. And dont even get me started on "baggy" women's trousers for curvy mascs. omggggg.

ANYWAY, today, for the first time, I let myself explore the men's section and when I tell you they slipped on- *JOYFUL SQUEALS* -Siblinggssss, I just. I had to take a minute to smile like an idiot. And not only that, they DIDNT hug my curves and just let me be me in them.

I left the store with 2 pairs, mass euphoria and went from fear about going full-on, to now wondering if and *how* to aquire a binder and if it would be a good option for me (I have scoliosis so idk yet.)

But what is happening- Now I just feel so excited and like enough isnt enough?? I have to hit the next high. the next affirming thing whatever that may be. I guess... maybe I'm *not* gender apathetic like I thought I was.

EEEEEEEEEEE !!! <3