I’m still my parents therapist… how do I quit?
(28F, oldest daughter🙃) TW: DV, SA
Ever since I gained consciousness as a child, I can remember being way too involved in my parents marriage. They would complain to me about each other, and as a child I felt like I needed to help. At 10 years old, would try and mitigate discussions, watch them fail and then try to repair them. Sometimes they’d have screaming matches right in front of me, throwing things and physically assaulting each other. I remember crouching behind the basement stairs and hearing my mom scream at me to call the police.
My dad grew up with an abusive father, my aunt has told me that she saw my grandpa throw a broken mug at my grandmas head and she had to get multiple stitches. (just one account of many) Along with the usual emotional and verbal abuse that I’m sure was an everyday experience. She eventually divorced him and none of the kids or grandkids talk to him, other than my dad occasionally. I’ve only met my grandpa once or twice.
When I was little I knew that my dad was trying to be better than his dad, and by most measures I think he is, but the bar was EXTREMELY low. My mother has struggled with severe depression all her life and had a severe work injury that made her almost functionally bedridden for several years. (I remember being 14 when my dad showed me my moms attempted su*cide letter) Overall I think they’re a bad match for each other, and when I accidentally came across their marriage journal for the 1st year of marriage (they would both write entries to each other) I realized they should have gotten divorced immediately. He was in no way able to handle her mental states and his frustration turns so quickly to rage that it becomes a brutal cycle of pain.
We tried out family therapy a couple times as a teen, and the most help I got was just simple validation of “you shouldn’t have to go through this”. I feel like I have zero tools to move forward or make sense of the relationship I have with my parents.
Fast forward 15 years later, I’m still being used as their therapist. I don’t talk to my mom much, and when I do she often trauma dumps on me whatever’s happening in their marriage. A couple years ago she told me she feels like a prostitute for my dad because he won’t let her work out of state for too long before he wants her to come back. He’s very religious and sees any sexual “deviancy” as a sin so he’s unwittingly(?) coercing my mom into marital prostitution. I tried to tell both of them that it’s considered marital r*pe and he basically responded saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” and “you really think I’m a r*pist?”. I haven’t tried to bring it up since.
This past month I went back to my hometown for a friend’s wedding and as I was talking with my brother, I realized he also knows about this. I don’t know if he’s ever confronted my dad about it, but he seems to know too much, like I do. He still lives close to home so I guess he’s also being parentified. I think we’ve both seen my dad slowly change over time and become less reactive, but it’s hard to forget about the stuff we know. My mom seems to just push it under the rug until she hits a depressive episode and it all comes back full force. Even in the span of my 3 week visit, the first week they were yelling at each other through text and then a week later snuggling on the couch. It’s so much whiplash that I feel disgusted seeing them together.
I know my mom probably is trauma dumping on us because she has nowhere else to turn, but I wish she would utilize her therapist instead of us. Obviously I feel bad for her but I’ve told her several times that maybe she’d be happier on her own, away from my dad. She doesn’t seem to believe anything would be better for her if she got divorced. I also don’t know how to interact with my dad because he genuinely loves being a grandpa to my son but it’s hard to see past his flaws. I don’t necessarily want to go “no contact” with either of them, but I’d really like to stay out of their marital issues from here on out. It’s starting to affect me too much and I have my own family that I love and feel safe with. If I didn’t have to talk to either of them again I think I’d be fine, but since I have the only grandkid I feel bad taking that relationship away. It’s been so many years and I don’t know how to quit my job as the family therapist. Any ideas?