u/Phanpyx

Update: My boyfriend finally had the conversation with his Nmother.

Firstly I want to thank every single one of you who contributed to my last post, left your honest opinions, personal experiences and book suggestions. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

Find my last post here https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/3cEWFcRmsy

For context, after my bf moved out, my bfs Nmom asked him to make a list of everything she had done wrong as a mother. I had warned him that this felt like a trap, and a lot of people here also advised against giving someone like that ammunition to argue with. However, because she hasn’t properly spoken to him for about a year and a half and has treated both of us badly ever since, he wanted closure and agreed to talk.

The conversation happened with his father and brothers present, as usual. He asked why they always had to be involved in conversations that were supposed to be between him and his mother. She asked if he wanted them to leave, but he said no because he was already used to it and this would be the last conversation on the topic. In the past, when he was still home, he voiced the same concern and she said that they were all a family, so all should be present. Which ended up with his father taking the role of the enabler and his siblings the flying monkeys.

She asked why he had left home and what had happened. Even though we had agreed not to go through a list of grievances, he felt pressured in the moment and brought up his birthday. On his birthday weekend, he wanted to have dinner with me, and instead of being happy for him, she left the house with the rest of the family, slammed the door, and then barely spoke to him for the next year and a half. Saying that he acted like he didn’t belong to the family because he wasn’t able to spend a full weekend at home with them and had to come to me.

When he mentioned that, she responded with, “Did I ever forbid you from doing anything?” He told her that no, she never explicitly forbade him, but she always made it very clear when she disapproved of his choices.

He also told her that they never ask how he is or how I am. And that one day she’s fine, the next she’s hostile to us.

She then said that when she has conflict, she “runs away from it” because that’s just how she is, presenting herself as the one who was hurt. She also blamed him for the fact that they hadn’t spoken, and spoke for the whole family on this (besides his father and brothers treating us normally) saying that because he never had this conversation sooner, they couldn’t go back to acting normally. At the end, she thanked him but added that it would take her a long time to “go back to normal,” so he shouldn’t expect things to improve immediately.

She also rewrote history. Months ago she claimed she had a “feeling” that he was going to leave home and that she somehow sensed I thought she didn’t like me. During this conversation she claimed that HE had told his father that I thought she didn’t like her. He was momentarily confused because after years of being told his memory is wrong, he second-guessed himself. But that’s not what happened at all. She was the one who originally said she “felt” I thought she didn’t like me.

She then claimed that she absolutely adores me and has always loved me. I don’t believe that for a second because her actions have consistently shown the opposite. If someone truly likes you, they don’t spend years making you feel unwelcome.

One thing I was proud of was that after the conversation she invited him to stay and eat, and he politely declined and came straight home to me because he knew I was anxious and wanted to process everything together.

One of his brothers told him to go hug her and say he loved her and he stood his ground and said he will not let anyone tell him what to do anymore nor guilt trip him into doing it.

The whole experience left both of us physically exhausted. We’d been stressed for days beforehand, and afterward we both felt completely drained.

Another interesting point: whenever his parents come to our house, we invite his grandparents too because we genuinely love them and they bring a positive atmosphere. His mother behaves much better when they’re around. She specifically asked that next time the grandparents not be present. My boyfriend pointed out that parents don’t have to accompany siblings everywhere, then siblings can visit independently too because in the past they have behaved like they always have to come in a full package, which she agreed and therefore the grandparents shouldn’t have to come either. While I understand the logic, I still find it incredibly entitled to ask the owners of the house not to invite people who make us feel comfortable. The irony is that when the grandparents are there, the only person who seems uncomfortable is her. When they’re not there, my boyfriend and I are the uncomfortable ones.

Overall, the conversation didn’t feel like accountability. It felt like blame-shifting, rewriting history, and presenting herself as the victim, as anticipated. The only positive I took away is that my boyfriend stood his ground, recognized some of the manipulation, and came home to me afterward instead of getting pulled back into the old dynamic.

We will be keeping LC and are not planning to have them over anytime soon.

Thank you again for listening!!

My boyfriend was summoned to have a “family talk” by his Nmom, and I’m feeling anxious about what happens afterward.

For some background, we’ve been together for almost 4 years. His mother has always had a difficult relationship with him. She relied on him financially, has a history of guilt-tripping him, and tends to expect him to be responsible for her emotional well-being. He’s a people pleaser by nature and spent years trying to keep the peace.
For exemple, we were long distance and she has been a SATM since he was born, she expected him to alternate weekends between me and her/ “family” as she would say.

Over time, there have been several incidents that put some strain on the relationship but the worst was when we started looking at houses to purchase and move in together. We were closing in on a house and we needed some money, so he talked to her and “asked” to use his inheritance, which was given directly to him by her father’s second wife. Up until this point his mother had already used his money to go on expensive holidays and make a full house renovation. She didn’t “let” us use a sum of this money that we would eventually put back, because they had financial difficulties (she still refuses to work). He decided to move out after this and it was a whole ordeal. At one point she explicitly said I wasn’t welcome in her home.

In the past there have also been situations where she was cold, distant, or hostile, and then expected him to come to her to “clear the air.” Once a conversation happened, she would act as if nothing had ever happened and expect everything to return to normal.

But after moving out, my boyfriend gradually went low contact with his family. Since around October, we’ve had significantly less involvement with them. Honestly, our relationship has been the healthiest it’s ever been. We have fewer misunderstandings, fewer arguments, and much more peace.

A few months ago, his mother essentially refused to have a relationship with him until they had a conversation where he would have to tell her what she did wrong as a mother that led him to moving out. She even told other family members that she didn’t want a relationship with him until he agreed to talk. For the first time, he didn’t chase after her. He repeatedly said he didn’t want a conversation, and eventually she had to be the one to directly ask for it.

Now the conversation is finally happening, and he’s going alone.

My concern isn’t really the conversation itself. My concern is what comes afterward.

Based on her past behavior, I suspect that if she decides the conversation went well, she’ll immediately act as though everything is fixed and start calling him frequently, messaging him constantly, and expecting us to visit regularly.

The problem is that I don’t feel like the underlying issues have actually been addressed. From my perspective, there has never been accountability for things like excluding me, giving him the silent treatment for months, involving extended family in the conflict, or other hurtful behavior.

We currently have dinner with my parents every week, and I worry that my boyfriend will start feeling guilty and think, “Well, if we see your family, we should see mine too.” But to me, these situations don’t feel equivalent because my parents have always been welcoming and respectful, while interactions with his family have often been stressful and conflict-filled.

Has anyone been through something similar? What happened after the “big conversation”?

I guess this is more an “off my chest” than anything else… thanks for listening!!