u/Plain-Mountain9364

This is my first relationship with someone I believe has strong avoidant tendencies. We’ve been together almost two years.

From early on, I questioned whether we were compatible because we have very different needs for connection, consistency, and time together. He says he wants marriage, but his vision of marriage seems much more independent than mine. I want to build a shared life with my partner, while he seems happiest living mostly separate lives and spending time together occasionally.

Over the last year I’ve tried several times to talk about whether we actually want the same kind of relationship. I wasn’t asking him to become someone different—I was genuinely trying to figure out whether we’re compatible. Those conversations usually ended with him becoming defensive or the issue never really getting resolved.

Almost two weeks ago we had the same conversation again. This wasn’t the first conversation about our compatibility—it was probably the fourth or fifth over the course of the relationship. I was emotional, and because I had to leave to pick up my kids, he said, “Let’s put a pin in it for today.” He hugged and kissed me goodbye, and that was the last contact we’ve had.
Normally we text every day, even if it’s brief. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking.

At this point, I’ve accepted that if we want fundamentally different relationships, we’re probably done. What I’m struggling with is whether this silence is an avoidant way of ending the relationship or whether he’s genuinely taking space to process.

I’m considering sending one final text:
“I’m trying to understand where you stand. We’ve gone almost two weeks without talking, and I don’t know whether that means you’ve decided you’re done, whether you needed space, or something else. Can you tell me what the silence has meant from your perspective? I’d rather have a clear answer than keep guessing.”

Part of me feels that after almost two years, we should be able to explicitly tell each other if the relationship is over. The other part wonders whether reaching out simply restarts the anxious/avoidant cycle and that the silence itself is my answer.

**For those who identify as avoidant or have dated avoidants:**

Does this sound like someone who is deactivating and processing, or someone who has already decided the relationship is over?

Would sending that text be productive, or would you leave the silence alone?

This is my first relationship with someone I believe has strong avoidant tendencies. We’ve been together almost two years.

From early on, I questioned whether we were compatible because we have very different needs for connection, consistency, and time together. He says he wants marriage, but his vision of marriage seems much more independent than mine. I want to build a shared life with my partner, while he seems happiest living mostly separate lives and spending time together occasionally.

Over the last year I’ve tried several times to talk about whether we actually want the same kind of relationship. I wasn’t asking him to become someone different—I was genuinely trying to figure out whether we’re compatible. Those conversations usually ended with him becoming defensive or the issue never really getting resolved.

Almost two weeks ago we had the same conversation again. This wasn’t the first conversation about our compatibility—it was probably the fourth or fifth over the course of the relationship. I was emotional, and because I had to leave to pick up my kids, he said, “Let’s put a pin in it for today.” He hugged and kissed me goodbye, and that was the last contact we’ve had.
Normally we text every day, even if it’s brief. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking.

At this point, I’ve accepted that if we want fundamentally different relationships, we’re probably done. What I’m struggling with is whether this silence is an avoidant way of ending the relationship or whether he’s genuinely taking space to process.

I’m considering sending one final text:
“I’m trying to understand where you stand. We’ve gone almost two weeks without talking, and I don’t know whether that means you’ve decided you’re done, whether you needed space, or something else. Can you tell me what the silence has meant from your perspective? I’d rather have a clear answer than keep guessing.”

Part of me feels that after almost two years, we should be able to explicitly tell each other if the relationship is over. The other part wonders whether reaching out simply restarts the anxious/avoidant cycle and that the silence itself is my answer.

For those who identify as avoidant or have dated avoidants:

Does this sound like someone who is deactivating and processing, or someone who has already decided the relationship is over?

Would sending that text be productive, or would you leave the silence alone?