Wife's medical issues are improving, but it's taken a toll on me.
Hello,
My wife has had minor to moderate health problems in different levels of severity since I've known her. Flares happen now and again and can change our plans. It happens. I went into this with both eyes open and ready to support her when she needed me.
But the last couple of years she was dealing with something entirely different. She was dealing with a new set of symptoms, that became more and more debilitating. The past few months have been just helping her to get from her desk, to the couch, to the bathroom. Cooking her meals, tallying her calories, talking with her doctors. Watching her lose weight, watching her world get smaller. If you flashed back a month ago, it was all I could do not to think about where this train was heading.
Then, we finally had a break. An MRI caught something, and they recommended she go in for emergency surgery. Thank god, the new symptoms improved almost immediately. She was out of the woods, and feeling better than she had in a long time. I cried for days, because I didn't realize until the pressure was off that I was trying not to think about how this condition might take my wife from me.
She's become much more energetic, and after having her world so closed off all she wants to do is go out, be social, and expand her horizons. Which is great. She still has chronic fatigue and with her weight and muscle loss I have to keep reminding her that we have to take it slow. It's the last thing she wants to do, but here we are.
However, there's been a cost to me too. I'm so mentally, emotionally and physically spent I can barely keep up with her. I'm at the point where my own health has suffered trying to keep all the plates spinning during the last two years, and I've fallen behind on almost everything. I need rest so badly that every time she talks about going out and doing something I tear up a little because I just don't have it in me right now. I wish I could crawl into a cave and hibernate the winter away. I wish I could put my body back in the box it came in and file it away for a month. I've been running on vapors for so long, and I'm so releived she's OK that it feels like I'm going to break down at any moment.
But it's gone beyond this too. Being this level of a caregiver has changed how I see her in ways that are hard to define. I feel like she's so delicate, I can't even conceive of physical intimacy. I love my wife, and I don't regret pouring my heart and soul into her care. However I can't shake the feeling that being this level of caregiver has changed something. At present, I feel like I need time away from her. I'm not trying to run, does it make me a horrible person to feel like I need a break from worrying about her? I feel guilty for feeling like I need time away.