u/Playful-Television99

Three years ago, I was strangled in an abusive relationship. I was gasping for air before he let go. At one point I blinked and saw black before I opened my eyes again and tried to claw him off me, although at the time, I did not consider that as passing out because it was such a short amount of time.

Since then I've dealt with pots-like symptoms, and beyond that, general dizziness, memory issues, cognition issues, brain fog, executive dysfunction etc. I now have light sensitivity with my eyes that was not there before. I struggled a lot more in college than i did before he strangled me. I've always had migraines since I was a kid, and they occurred more often now. I had a lot of mood swings the year after it happened that were not typical of me.

Besides this, I am hyper-mobile and have multiple autoimmune issues, so I've already had quite a few doctors visits for that.

I didn't go to the hospital at the time because of shame, but now I realize just how dangerous strangulation is and I want to get checked out by a neurologist. What is the process like? What is an MRI like?

hello! I’ve dressed alt ever since middle school! I wanted to lean into more gothic fashion now but have had to rebuild my wardrobe since I gained weight.

looking for advice for basics and some affordable brands! I shop a lot of thrifted as well. I would love some work friendly suggestions too! I love looking like a vampire and romantic goth clothing.

I would love to do more elaborate goth makeup but im afraid im not too good at it yet.

I’m also chronically ill and have sensory issues, so sometimes I’d like to wear a corset but it might be too painful some days because of these issues.

thank you!!

I talk about my mental health a lot online and view a lot of mental health content, and sometimes I see people being so casual with mental health terms and it makes me mad.

i see people calling others narcsssists. I see people commenting under a girls post about her outfit that she must have HPD. Cluster B disorders are thrown around as insults, and people conduct their own “diagnosis” for random people on the internet. I’ve been called a narcissist by my abusive ex before.

im not sure if its the neurodivergence or the PTSD or something, but being told I have mental disorders I don’t makes me incredibly upset, and other people saying doing that to my peers also makes me upset.

talking about these things needs to be done with intention, and people who really have these real disorders need to be spoken to with care and compassion.

Logically I know it was. I said no. I consented to specific things but said no multiple times to sex. He forced my legs apart. I was frozen and he didn't care.

I still call it "He surprise had sex with me" Instead of rape because it is easier. But I never once wanted it. I only said yes because I was afraid he would strangle me again like he did that day when I said no to sex at the park.

earlier I posted on another platform about SA awareness and someone commented “don’t worry, you’re safe” with a photo of my face.

this made me really mad because I WAS assaulted multiple times, and it trivializes SA as something based on how attractive the perpetrator *thinks* you are, rather than the fact that it is based on power and control.

In reality, I *WASN’T* safe. And instead of engaging with the reality of SA, the commenter didn’t even listen to me.

During my abusive relationship I felt guilty a lot for how I reacted. When he would call me constantly to yell at me, I gave him the 'silent treatment' because I had midterms to study for in college. I would then feel guilty that I was the one emotionally abusing him. He had spoke about me as if I was the one abusing him, so I felt like I deserved how he treated me because of that (which he explicitly said to me before).

After the breakup, I sent him emails about how I felt because he never listened to me or understood, and he took that and twisted it to make me a 'stalker'. Even though, as I mentioned, he repeatedly called me after I told him I couldn't talk.

I don't really recognize the person I was in the relationship. I tried so hard to make him happy and not have him hurt me, but it was never enough, and everything I did was somehow horrible and deserving of abuse. He only wanted my attention on him, he only wanted my body to be his and not mine.

But I still feel guilty. I thought it was my responsibility to make him happy, and since I 'failed' in his eyes, I was abusive and horrible. I still am working through that, but it is really hard to not feel like a bad person because of how he treated me.

after my abusive relationship I found it so much harder to make friends. I felt very distant from humanity. My abuser told me all his friends hated me so both my social anxiety and rejection sensitivity dysphoria went into overdrive, and I’m still trying to work through it.

i also feel like everyone dislikes me and secretly thinks im weak and deserved the abuse. I tend to isolate myself when I’m struggling too and that’s led to me not reaching out to so many friends I love.

i feel like everyone moves along with their lives, sees friends, ect. and im just stuck back with my abuser, in a prision that is my own mind sometimes.

maybe that’s why I fell for him. he posted all the time about how abusers are horrible and should be held accountable and arrested, yet he strangled and raped me. he posted about “her body her choice” all the time.

he lied in court and said he would never do the very things he did to me- part of me wonders, does he really believe he’s a good person? even though he gave me PTSD from what he did?

I felt bad for being tricked, for trusting him. I told him my most personal traumas only to have him repeat it on me again- using it against me.

I was dating him, but he's an ex. Over time he got more sexually abusive- he would literally call me his property as a 'joke' often. Sex with me was just 'getting hole'. He bought me dinner, so he told me I needed to have sex with him because of it. He saw me as an object to bend to his will. When I told him he was hurting me and to stop, he kept going- he didn't care, because to him I was just his doll to play with, and my words didn't matter at all.

sometimes I just wish I could be the person I was before it happened. I feel like such a failure now, i feel so unlike myself. ever so often I see glimpses of my old self in a joke, or in an outfit I wear, but a lot of the time it’s like staring in the mirror and seeing a ghost staring back. flashbacks are awful and sometimes I stay up at night because of them. it was highly likely I could have died if I continued the relationship- or even that last night. it’s still surreal to me that I’m still ALIVE AT ALL. I feel like a completely different person and I have to figure out my likes, dislikes, and priorities all over again.

Even years after the abuse has ended, its still hard to talk about being strangled with my loved ones. The sheer panic of not being able to breathe-it's a lot. I was ashamed when it happened and too scared so I never went to the hospital afterwards. It scared me so much that I left him, good and for all. Yet I'm still trying to process how he could do such a horrible thing, that it could happen to me. Healing takes time, I suppose.

I’d been saying no to him all night and only said yes to cuddling. when I realized what he was actually going to do after he asked to move my leg, I squeezed my legs shut as tight as possible.

but he didn’t give up. instead he grabbed my leg and forced them apart. I resisted but it wasn’t enough. he overpowered me and quickly forced himself on me without time for me to react.

I felt so weak. I couldn’t fight him back. I tried to keep my legs closed but I failed. he did it anyways.

lately I’ve been reflecting a lot about how others perceive me, and I realized the root cause of me not wanting to get up, not wanting to work wasn’t due to laziness, lack of care, or selfishness. it was due to being in constant pain all the time and longing for being able to be in less pain. I’m miserable just going to work because of pain. I didn’t realize that “normal” people never had this struggle because they weren’t in constant, high levels of pain that I’m in.

I’ve been super depressed because all of my issues in jobs previously has been due to not being able to use my body like everyone else could, and it made me feel so isolated and alone because as much as I try I can never not be ill.

I’m still working, but I want to find a job that’s better for my joints and all the pain.

Why are men always the ones taking my pants off, not me. Why am I always getting pestered and pressured to do things I don’t want to do. Why do I always get told I’m “too sexy” or a “tease”. Why do men always assume kissing will lead to sex when I just want to kiss and cuddle sometimes. I don’t want to feel my rapists hands on me, body on me. I don’t want anyone grabbing me, touching me, caressing me. It’s too much

Sometimes I get mad at myself. I wish I had fought him back, tried at least to stand up for myself. he’d eroded all my sense of autonomy, agency while dating him.

he strangled me earlier that day in the woods after repeatedly being told that I did not want to have sex with him.

and yet, that night in bed I couldn’t stand my ground. I couldn’t fight back. I couldn’t scream. I froze. I was so scared of him, of what he would do to me.

i felt weak. Broken. Malleable. i was a shell of a person. He’d made me feel so dehumanized that instead of realizing I deserved more, I accepted that I thought I deserved to be raped.

the other day i was cooking salmon and I had to sit down since I was feeling sick and dizzy and my partner had to finish making dinner.

do you have any dinner ideas that are easy for bad chronic illness days?

thank you!

(suspected autism and trying to get assessed)

I’ve been in college since I was 16, and I just finished my last program- about 8 yrs since I started.

now I’m working full time for the first time and I’ve noticed for the past ~5 years increasing signs of burn out.

i am tired, exhausted, I have no energy to even eat sometimes. I’m depressed. I can’t focus and I take extra time on my breaks when I shouldn’t because I’m overwhelmed. Everyone tells me my performance is too slow and that I struggle to retain anything.

i feel so stressed and like a failure because of it.

The last time he raped me, afterwards he started going on about how he felt really gross and lonely and how he wanted to cry. He apologized for being 'pushy'. I remember sitting in the dark with him, in fear, as he had strangled me earlier that day for refusing sex. I comforted him. I rubbed his back and I comforted him.

All day I said no to sex. He strangles me. In bed, I said no. I said he could take my pants off and get on top of me to cuddle, and when he asked if it was okay to move my leg I said yes but I was scared. I resisted and he forced my legs apart and forcing himself on me.

He texted me later apologizing for it- all the while telling me it was actually my fault because I gave mixed messages so I should just get better. He made me feel like I was dirt, like I was the one who had to fix things- a rhetoric which was used to get me to comfort him after he had just raped me.

No one deserves to be abused, to be manipulated to think it is their fault.

Rant/Vent. Support wanted- I can't stop crying.

I have hypermobile joints that cause a lot of pain as well as a myriad of other comorbidities (GI issues, fatigue, ect.). my job in healthcare was my dream job but I couldn’t handle the intense up and down, lifting, etc. that comes with it. I was so fatigued. I also was having terrible brain fog making me sluggish. last time I talked to my supervisor they said I don’t have enough vigor or desire to work and that my performance hadn't improved so I was going to be let go. I wasn't as vigorous BECAUSE I was struggling with illness and pain and I just couldn’t fake it like I have been for many years. I DO love it and on my good days I do amazing but they’re becoming less often.

Two of my supervisors even went so far as to say that I lied about calling in sick one day because I had went to a wedding that weekend and they thought I had actually drank too much and got hungover and wasn't being honest about it. Mind you, I was getting sick before I even showed up to the wedding. I told them I had food poisoning because that's what I thought it was, but I continued having really bad stomach pain days after I stopped vomiting. I also have bowel issues 24/7 that complicate it. My one supervisor said that food poisoning clears up sooner than when I called in in advance (I knew I wasn't feeling well and it continued on the day I called in).

I’m so gutted. all Ive wanted my whole life and I’m too ill to have the job. I tried so hard but it was ruining my body and then my mind.

im so sad. please any well wishes are welcome.

A rant. Has anyone else dealt with this before?

a few “milder” ones to start:

my supervisors are aware I am ill.

A common one I’d get is that I’m inconsistent, because of course during flares I’m less chipper and lessor active at work during certain tasks that are harder in a flare (ex. Lifting)

I’ve also been told I don’t have enough vigor or drive- which is hard to do being fatigued and in pain all the time and it’s gotten so bad I can’t hide it anymore.

THE WORST THING SO FAR

Once I was calling into work because I was sick after a road trip to a different state for a wedding. The previous weekend I was vomiting and had no control of both my bowels and my urinary Tract, once we got into the state that night. I told my coworkers I thought it might be food poisoning(?).

My supervisors then both told me that they beleived I was actually lying about being sick and that I’d actually been drinking too much at the wedding. They said food poisoning wouldn’t last that many days and that if I was lying to them.