u/PollutionCheap1742

I'm borderline autistic and in high school had selective mutism and didn't speak at all. Over the past 5 years, I've been working on my social skills: I now have the ability to have fulfilling friendships, to make people see me as human, to have good "deep" conversations, and so on.

However, I'm beginning to realize that most people will always see me as "off," particularly in group settings. I'm pretty sure I do everything right "textbook" style, the back-and-forth ping-pong is there, the words I say are correct, the tone is fine -- but this has only made it easier to track the moment where the light leaves people's eyes and they start avoiding me. This became particularly obvious after I recently had a minor glow-up and became more attractive: recently I joined a running group where people were happy to meet me, made tons of eye contact, etc, and then ~2 min into the conversation became visibly uncomfortable and stopped making direct eye contact, even though I was extremely sure that I was doing everything right.

I've previously been helped by old SSC/LessWrong posts describing other people's journeys. So I thought I'd start a conversation here: I'd love to hear stories from people who significantly improved their social skills. I'd love to know how they troubleshot things.

Examples of things I've found helpful:

• https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/mwQZ6qsGXqwiZ6Zvy/how-my-social-skills-went-from-horrible-to-mediocre
• https://www.reddit.com/r/slatestarcodex/comments/x79wk9/how_to_rapidly_iterate_on_social_skills_with/
• https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/08/09/friendship-is-still-countersignaling/
• https://dispatchesfromtheautismwars.substack.com/p/how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and
• https://www.sympatheticopposition.com/p/how-and-why-to-be-ladylike-for-women

I'm 25 now, and by comparing myself to others around me, have recently realized that I haven't "had fun" since age 12. When I interact with my friends it feels like the goal is to continuously try to get them to like me. I don't have "fun" hobbies, only serious ones (e.g., running, for my health). When I try to do things "just for fun" I feel a sense of meaninglessness and get more and more tired. I'm quite successful at work but have been slowing down a lot because I can't get my brain to work like it used to. I spend what feels like excessive amounts of time just staring into space.

I did a search on Reddit for people with similar problems and the responses were to take a break, do exercise and eat healthy. People seemed to think this is a temporary problem. But I've never heard of anyone not having fun for the past DECADE. That's a long time. It must be some sort of brain disorder, right?

I don't know what to do.

I'm not a manager, but I've been following the sub for a while and always appreciate its insights. I have a question about workplace dynamics and thought I'd ask here since you people seem to have a good understanding of how teams work.

I am a junior in a very hierarchical field: specifically, I am a master's student who recently joined a lab with two postdocs, a PI, and another master's student. All of these people are friends, some long-term and very close. I hate to bring in gender, but all are male. All are "nice people" and, aside from what appears to be occasional misunderstandings about what is typical in a workplace environment (e.g. touching someone on the shoulder to emphasize a point might be okay outside of work but is weird inside, even if it's well-meant) have tried to be inclusive.

Basically, I hate it here, but can't tell if I'm overreacting. As I type this I am starting to cry. I feel anxious and depressed constantly, like my brain is being cooked in stress hormones continuously, and I can't see out of the water anymore.

The thing is, I have a history of social anxiety, so I can't tell whats real and what's me. Yesterday I was almost completely certain I heard my name being whispered in conversation, but I can't tell if I'm going crazy - isnt this textbook paranoia? I don't want to overreact. No one is harassing me, and no one is ignoring my work. I don't necessarily even feel super left out. I just feel so fucking scared all the time.

What would help me is if someone told me either a bit about what dynamics may be at play here - or told me that that it's just in my head.

I looked through the subreddit and posts from a few years ago suggest 450-600$ was doable. But now, looking through Craigslist, there are no rentals/rooms at that cost. The low end for a basement single room seems to be about 900.

Has rent gotten more expensive recently? Am I looking in the wrong place?

I'm at a crossroads in my career and would value advice.

I'm a master's student deciding whether to stay in my current lab or move to a different one for PhD. The current lab is in a small school and small city, but the work is my ideal project and the supervisor is good at training and publishing. The hypothetical PhD lab would be in a bigger school/city, with unknown topic and supervisor. My goal is academia (which I'm told is not unrealistic), and I plan to do data-science internships in industry for a plan B.

Crucially, I can't apply to schools before deciding - I have to decide first whether or not I'm willing to take the risk of losing my current position. Therefore, my question is about risk.

Here are a few questions:

• How much do small graduations in relative rank matter? It's obvious that Stanford is better than State U, but realistically, I'm not getting into Stanford. I'm getting into a school just slightly better than my current school, given that my CV is just slightly better than the year before. Does this matter? That is, is it worth the risk? Is it worth risking losing my current position?
• Is it worth changing schools just for a higher probability of getting an industry internship? I'm currently on the West Coast of Canada, and I'm told there are more jobs on the East Coast - a quick look at an online job board confirms this. Moving to a bigger school would also grow my network. With all this laid out, moving seems like the obvious wise decision. But something about this reasoning still feels off to me -- I think it's because it involves probability. I would be moving to *slightly increase* my chances of getting an industry job, based on hunches I got from napkin math and hearsay. Rehauling my life for, basically, a set of theories I have about how the job market works just *feels* super weird to me. It's not like the decision to go to Waterloo for engineering, for example, where you know for sure that you'd be able to come out the other end with a co-op position. I don't know if anyone has any thoughts. (If relevant, current city is Vancouver and potential cities are Montreal/Toronto)
• In general, how should I be thinking about these types of risks in this stage of my career? Although I am very career-oriented and have enjoyed every job I've ever had, I don't know how to make these decisions.

I'm at a crossroads in my career and would value advice from smart people with a similar level of nerdiness to myself, so I'm asking here.

I'm a master's student deciding whether to stay in my current lab or move to a different one for PhD. The current lab is in a small school and small city, but the work is my ideal project and the supervisor is good at training and publishing. The hypothetical PhD lab would be in a bigger school/city, with unknown topic and supervisor. My goal is academia (which I'm told is not unrealistic), and I plan to do data-science internships in industry for a plan B.

Crucially, I can't apply to schools before deciding - I have to decide first whether or not I'm willing to take the risk of losing my current position. Therefore, my question is about risk.

Here are a few questions:

• How much do small graduations in relative rank matter? It's obvious that Stanford is better than State U, but realistically, I'm not getting into Stanford. I'm getting into a school just slightly better than my current school, given that my CV is just slightly better than the year before. Does this matter? That is, is it worth the risk? Is it worth risking losing my current position?
• Is it worth changing schools just for a higher probability of getting an industry internship? I'm currently on the West Coast of Canada, and I'm told there are more jobs on the East Coast - a quick look at an online job board confirms this. Moving to a bigger school would also grow my network. With all this laid out, moving seems like the obvious wise decision. But something about this reasoning still feels off to me -- I think it's because it involves probability. I would be moving to *slightly increase* my chances of getting an industry job, based on hunches I got from napkin math and hearsay. Rehauling my life for, basically, a set of theories I have about how the job market works just *feels* super weird to me. It's not like the decision to go to Waterloo for engineering, for example, where you know for sure that you'd be able to come out the other end with a co-op position. I don't know if anyone has any thoughts. (If relevant, current city is Vancouver and potential cities are Montreal/Toronto)
• I don't "fit in" to the social scene at my current department - typical ACX-type-meets-party-kids type situation. I assume this doesn't matter and is definitely not worth moving for (especially given that things could be the exact same elsewhere), but does someone older and wiser have any thoughts?
• In general, how should I be thinking about these types of risks in this stage of my career? Although I am very career-oriented and have enjoyed every job I've ever had, I don't know how to make these decisions.

I'm at a crossroads in my career and would value advice from smart people with a similar level of nerdiness to myself, so I'm asking here.

I'm a master's student deciding whether to stay in my current lab or move to a different one for PhD. The current lab is in a small school and small city, but the work is my ideal project and the supervisor is good at training and publishing. The hypothetical PhD lab would be in a bigger school/city, with unknown topic and supervisor. My goal is academia (which I'm told is not unrealistic), and I plan to do data-science internships in industry for a plan B.

Crucially, I can't apply to schools before deciding - I have to decide first whether or not I'm willing to take the risk of losing my current position. Therefore, my question is about risk.

Here are a few questions:

• How much do small graduations in relative rank matter? It's obvious that Stanford is better than State U, but realistically, I'm not getting into Stanford. I'm getting into a school just slightly better than my current school, given that my CV is just slightly better than the year before. Does this matter? That is, is it worth the risk? Is it worth risking losing my current position?
• Is it worth changing schools just for a higher probability of getting an industry internship? I'm currently on the West Coast of Canada, and I'm told there are more jobs on the East Coast - a quick look at an online job board confirms this. Moving to a bigger school would also grow my network. With all this laid out, moving seems like the obvious wise decision. But something about this reasoning still feels off to me -- I think it's because it involves probability. I would be moving to *slightly increase* my chances of getting an industry job, based on hunches I got from napkin math and hearsay. Rehauling my life for, basically, a set of theories I have about how the job market works just *feels* super weird to me. It's not like the decision to go to Waterloo for engineering, for example, where you know for sure that you'd be able to come out the other end with a co-op position. I don't know if anyone has any thoughts. (If relevant, current city is Vancouver and potential cities are Montreal/Toronto)
• I don't "fit in" to the social scene at my current department - typical ACX-type-meets-party-kids type situation. I assume this doesn't matter and is definitely not worth moving for (especially given that things could be the exact same elsewhere), but does someone older and wiser have any thoughts?
• In general, how should I be thinking about these types of risks in this stage of my career? Although I am very career-oriented and have enjoyed every job I've ever had, I don't know how to make these decisions.

I have a question about a topic that's already been beaten to death on this sub: Institution rank. My impression is that, though there are important ways in which rank doesn't matter, it's broadly true that rank does matter a lot. Harvard will open more doors than low-tier State U. Faced with a decision between Harvard and low-tier State U, there is an obvious right decision.

But what about, say, mid-tier State U vs upper-tier State U? What about mid-high-tier State U vs upper-tier State U? That is: is it worth changing schools for a small difference in rank?

This is for grad school