u/Popular-Internet9014

Should I keep the baby? I’m wondering if

1, anyone else never wanted kids, had them, and how they feel about that choice.

2, i don’t feel connected to the baby (12 weeks) at all either so if you’ve felt that way too please let me know.

3 if its normal to be this afraid and unsure about having kids? I feel like my story was just traumatic so I don’t want to blame myself for feeling this way. But I never hear anyone talk about the fear and uncertainty, and it makes me feel like I should get an abortion for feeling that way.

Full disclosure, I can’t post this anywhere I actually want to :/ throwaway acct

I don’t know anything about motherhood or pregnancy either so I really just feel like I’m walking blind.

I don’t want to get an abortion, It just feels like a decision I’ll regret for life. I know deep down no matter what I do, nothing will ever be the same. I’ll be grieving a huge part of myself either way

The story:

The way I found out was my dr took a test just to be safe, I didnt have any of the regular pregnancy symptoms (but now I know I did have some, although very mild, and they just weren’t the normal ones). The next day she called with the news, completely shocked (didn’t help)

I didn’t realize until that moment, just how much of my identity was based in not wanting children. And not only that, but my entire past present and future, career, relationships, and future plans and dreams basically burst into flames in a split second. And tbh, I NEVER thought birth control failure could happen to me.

It was just like the entire world exploded. I wish I could explain the level of destruction I felt. I don’t know if anyone will ever get it. I just keep replaying that moment.

To make the whole thing worse, she called me in for emergency labs, said I need an emergency ultrasound. Every place I called congratulated me, then said it was too complicated so they can’t help. I can’t even tell you how hard it was hearing that over and over on the worst day of my life.

2 days later I got an emergency ultrasound after grieving my entire life and bawling my eyes out for those 2 days. After our few conversations, me and my bf agreed to have an abortion although he did make it very clear, it was up to me, and only me.

But as soon as he saw the ultrasound he fell in love. I cannot say the same. I wasn’t even in my body. It didn’t feel real.

They scheduled the abortion appt for the next Thursday. Which is now 2 days away. Not that I really wanted it, but they said they have people there to basically convince you against abortion, and I just wanted that.

I say all this just to give a clear picture on how I feel. I know I could be a good mom, and there are 1000 reasons I want to keep the baby. I just don’t know if it’s a good idea for ME to have a baby, and my boyfriend says he’s also worried about me having one just because I’m so unsure.

And I just really want someone to understand.

Found out today. complicated situation, bc
I have an IUD in. Cannot find a place with an ultrasound machine, and if they have one they refuse me because it’s a specialized field? Idk. Also technically a medical emergency but wtf ever.

Anyways. I have no idea how long it’s been or anything about it tbh. But I’ve cried all day. It feels like my entire life is over. It logically is I’m not even gonna lie to you guys. And I feel truly horrible for thinking that I feel like I’d rather have been diagnosed with leukemia or smth. There are so many levels to this.

I’ve always wanted to travel the world, not in the normal way either. I want to see Iraq, the Maldives, Russia, go cave diving, race cars, all stuff that you really cannot do with a kid if you’re responsible to any degree. As well as My entire lifestyle surrounds risk. I have no job. I daytrade and resell stuff online. I love my lifestyle but I don’t make a lot of money (yet)

My boyfriend is a great guy and I think he’d be a good dad, but he sees me. And he knows I’ve never wanted to be a mom. And my mom could tell you the same thing, since I was a kid I never showed an interest. Always thought that was normal but now that I’m pregnant and not even close to happy… idk the alarms are going off. This last year has been the first year I’ve even considered that as an idea just because of idk maybe just timeline? That’s just what people do idfk. definitely not because I want one though.

We live at his mom’s house rent free (nightmare situation) and are still broke. He had a decent job. My resume is a hot pile so it’s probably impossible for me to get a job at this point. Either way, when I have one I get filled with this seething rage very few people understand. It’s the kinda rage that will genuinely make you quit your job to start daytrading as funny as it is. And if youve never quit ur job to start a business you just don’t understand.

And one final layer of absolutely fuckedness I’ve been Christian for just over a year now. Haven’t been to church because i got terrorized in my hometown and now refuse to be seen in public. Long ass story that just adds more complexity(my family has been trying to move me and my bf across the country and plan to soon)

But yeah premarital sex blah blah blah. But with a kid? Unmarried? I just can’t even imagine myself existing in that faith now. AND my boyfriend is not Christian. He mildly hates the idea of me being one and that makes getting married another whole thing. But I love him very much and can’t imagine the rest of my life without him(been together 3 years). We have talked about marriage and we’re both on board, just completely broke. And I think honestly he will turn his heart over to Jesus Christ. One day.

I feel horrible for considering abortion. But like…. Idk. It feels like the only way out. It’s probably too late anyways. I know I could be a good mom. And I’d do anything for a kid if I had one. But I’ve never felt maternal in any capacity. I don’t even want pets, they piss me off SO much. And then I think about if I have a kid and love it I’d feel horrible for even thinking this stuff so it’s just a horrible cycle. I struggle heavily with ocd symptoms as well.

Sorry this is borderline unreadable or understandable I’m completely freaked out

I guess I just wonder if anyone has ever felt the way I do. Or been through any of this. Have you Never wanted kids, had one, maybe not regretted it? I need any positivity I can get rn😭