u/PositionLogical2342

I’m a bi 28F and my spouse is lesbian 31 afab with a pretty flexible gender identity. We’ve been together for 7 years and married for 5. We’ve been open in the past and recently decided to go at it again. In the past my spouse also had these same boundaries, and I didn’t like them but I obliged. Now, I’m not sure how I feel and don’t want to feel controlled or restricted.

My partners boundaries include no men and no receiving a strap on from another woman/afab person. It feels rooted in a sort of deeply rooted insecurity and feels like a “one dick policy” kind of thing. They say that the thought of me being with a man is repulsive to them. But I really just want to have my sexual desires met and to me gender doesn’t matter. I want to be able to be trusted to have whatever kind of sex I want with who I want.

I know there can be feelings of inadequacy and insecurity for lesbians when it comes to bi women. The fear that I would leave her for a man maybe. But I’m very obviously and deeply committed to our marriage and have shown to be so for years now. I’m not going anywhere.

I really don’t want these restrictions on me. I’m hesitant to call them boundaries because they feel rooted in control more than anything. I told her that these boundaries feel rooted in biphobia and toxic masculinity. She says if so she’s fine with that being her thing and she will never change. She says if I’m not comfortable with those boundaries then I can just accept it or divorce her because there’s no world where she changes her mind.

Thoughts?

Edit to add: it shouldn’t matter but for context my partner is very masculine and recently had top surgery. She is comfortable with any pronouns: she/he/they but pretty much presents to the world as a man. People think she’s a man daily and my relationship is pretty straight passing.

TW: SA
I’ve been active here for over a year and have been trying to quit smoking for even longer. This year I tried an IOP and couldn’t finish it due to relapsing. I tried to get sober before traveling abroad this week for work, but failed and ended up starting my day 1 on the trip.

Less than 24 hours after getting here I decided to go out and look to buy. Btw im a petite attractive woman who is often harassed in public, so I knew this was dumb and im dumb for even doing this but damn man, addiction.

I went to some bodegas and eventually met a guy who had weed and said we could smoke together then he would give me some. There was a massive language barrier, but we hung out, smoked and listened to music. When we finished we hugged goodbye and that’s when it happened. He started kissing me and held me there groping and kissing me for a minute or 2 despite my resistance. Eventually I got away before anything got violent.

like, why did I do this? This is clearly something I knew was a bad idea. This has to be the end of the line. because even though that just happened - I still feel the urge to contact him back to try and buy or find another way to access it, despite this terrifying experience that could have ended so much worse. I also don’t even know how to tell this to the people closest to me, mainly my wife and my best friend. I’m embarrassed to be so addicted and dumb. Thanks for listening.

Hi! I’m curious if I’m being overly emotional/sensitive about this. My 28W wife 31NBish has always had a super low sex drive in comparison to mine. We’ve been together for 7 years and it’s pretty much been our only big issue/challenge that we’ve been working through together.

While it’s still a work in progress, I’m happy with the fact that we are working on it together and are getting closer to a healthy middle ground for intimacy where we both feel fulfilled and safe.

Fast forward to a week ago when my wife (out of no where) mentioned she wanted to go to a kink tester event for newbies to try (top and bottom) different forms of kink. She wanted to go alone because she is still figuring out her interests around kink and what it means for her. I understood and was honestly so excited bc it was something knew I’d never heard from her regarding sex. She’s always been very vanilla. She went, had a great time, and came back with a lot to tell me which was exciting. She even wants to go to another event. When I expressed interest in going with her, she basically said no thanks bc she wanted to explore on her own.

The next day, we had sex and she tried some of the dom/topping she learned using impact play. I was about it and it was so cool to see her in this completely different type of sexual energy/activity.

Yesterday, I went into her email to get a code to reset a password for something. She knows I have access and was right there when I logged in. When I did, I saw that she had notif emails from Fet Life. I know folks find events through there, so maybe that’s mainly why she got it.

Soo…. I couldn’t resist myself, I made a spoof account on there as well to go look at her profile. It kind of broke my heart to see her on there commenting on peoples pictures and engaging in the life.

After seeing that, I got in my feels about the fact that she’s really thinking about and exploring this whole kink world on her own, when I’ve been begging to have a more connected and exploratory sex life for years now. I’m feeling sad that she doesn’t want to explore and find out what she likes, with me and I can figure out what I like with her. I mean, considering it relates to sex with me, her wife, I want to do this together. I feel sad that she’s on Fet Life and into all of this stuff now and I’m just on the outside. It also makes me feel like deep down she doesn’t trust me fully.

Idk, am I overreacting by being hurt by this? I don’t want to push her away by expressing I want to be involved if she deep down doesn’t feel safe exploring it with me. But then also, that feels like an indication of a pretty big issue. While I’m not opposed, I’ve never sought out kink experiences/education, so I also don’t know if this is normal for a person to want to learn on their own (despite having a partner).

Thanks in advance!

UPDATE: After a discussion she acknowledged how it was super wrong of her to be on FL without my knowledge, and that commenting on pics the way she was majorly inappropriate. She said her motivation for the account was to find community and learn about kink overall. She said she was treating it like instagram in a sense and connected with folks she met at the event through there. Saying she was hoping to find a mentor in a sense. I do believe she’s genuine when she says this, there’s never been any other cheating or infidelity red flags over the years. It still is pretty hurtful to see her engage in it, when I yearn for more sexual interaction with her

Since sex and intimacy are difficult topics for her, she expressed hoping kink could open a door to her feeling more free sexually. While she still would never wants to go to actual events with me (not play events, just general workshops even), she said she does want to explore it personally between us like in the bedroom? And said I could even explore out in community at events if I wanted to. (we are monogamous so explore meaning more education and testing not playing w others).

Conversation ended with her saying she’s actually done learning more and doesn’t need to go into community or gain a mentor anymore? Like all of a sudden she said she has discovered what she wants and she’s good. So… idk that feels off and super reactionary to me discovering the whole thing. She ended up saying things were okay overall but was then pretty distant and awkward the rest of the night.

While I believe her when she says she hasn’t cheated, I just feel odd about it all still. Idk, I just don’t feel great and maybe I need more time. Sorry for the long ass update.

What the title says! Been together for almost 7 years, married for almost 5. I’m 28 cis, bi/queer and my wife is 31, cis but a little andro/gender fluid, lesbian.

We have always had incompatible sex drives, with me wanting physical intimacy way more than her. She can go months/years without it and doesn’t even masturbate. I’m the opposite and desire intimacy at least a few times a month. We’ve dealt with it in many ways, tired ethical non-monogamy. All that did was push my wife further away and lead to a year+ of no intimacy. We’ve healed and grown together through that and have started having intimacy here and there. Maybe once every few months. That’s hard for me, but I love my wife more than anything so I cope with it how I can.

The difficult thing though, is that for the last 6 months-year my wife has consistently not wanted to be touched. She shared that she’s not always comfortable with it and I said of course, that’s okay. However, I recently learned that she means pretty much, ever. She doesn’t want to be touched or receive any pleasure. As someone who is verse, this is so hard. I hate feeling like a “pillow princess” I hate just receiving. It feels transactional and uncomfortable that once I’m done, it’s over. I want her to be comfortable and never want to pressure her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. But how do I cope with this?? Is this eventually going to lead to an irreconcilable incompatibility? Help. Divorce doesn’t even feel like an option for me. It’s also never going to be an option because my wife is an immigrant from an extremely hostile country and I’m a US citizen. She’s had her green card for about 1.5 years now.

Thanks for listening!

Has anyone done inpatient for weed recovery? I have the option to do a 30-day residential program and I don’t know if I should go. I’ve been struggling/trying to quit for the past 1-2 years now with very small successes. Ive only been able to make it to 10 days once, but im mostly relapsing around 2-4 days sober. I’m engaging with MA and have solid social support. I recently tried an outpatient program and just got dropped for too many absences. ):

I’m a highly logical and intellectual person and I overthink/am very anxious. I feel trapped in this cycle of wanting to get better but then still feeling the intense compulsion to justify using and return. I’m scared of what stepping away from work (2 jobs) would look like and the ripple effects overall.

I want to stop, but I feel compelled to keep continuing the cycle. I don’t feel like a failure for my addiction, but I feel like I should be able to conquer this demon.

Idk. Thanks for listening.

Any info on when the next round of workforce reductions will occur? I heard sometime this month but am wondering if anyone has a more specific timeline. Thanks !

Thanks in advance for listening.

I’m struggling so hard to make it past 1 day. Every night I go to bed I say this is it, then in the morning I’m right back going to the dispensary. I feel stuck and weak not being able to make it through the discomfort of quitting.

I’ve been smoking daily (primarily flower but also vapes and carts here and there) for over 4 years. Started at age 15 very casually (28 now) but it took off when I moved to a legal state. 3 years ago I took 3 weeks off for a drug test but since then I haven’t been able to get more than 12 days sober. Been doing sober days randomly but it never sticks

On paper I’m a highly successful and highly functioning stoner but it’s really been impacting my mental health, career, and finances for some time now. I always thought it was helping me stay motivated but I finally have realized the shitty anxiety/depression/exhaustion cycle that it really is. I pretty much dropped out of grad school and have spent nearly all of my savings over the past 3 years. I’ve been hiding the impact on finances from my wife and the weed also keeps us from being close and spending time together. I feel like I know that this plant causes my harm and I’m tired of feeling so beholden. I also want to have a baby relatively soon and this habit has really diminished my ability to do that financially.

Every day though those thoughts creep back in that maybe this is all too dramatic and that everything is okay if I keep using. It’s everywhere I turn and so normalized. I feel like I’m not strong enough to actually make it through and quit. I feel lost.

TIA for reading

Like the title says. I’ve been smoking daily (primarily flower but also vapes and carts here and there) for over 4 years. Started at age 15 very casually (28 now) but it took off when I moved to a legal state. 3 years ago I took 3 weeks off for a drug test but since then I haven’t been able to get more than 12 days sober. Been doing sober days randomly but it never sticks.

I’ve been on mental health meds off and on for years for some childhood PTSD and am currently stable on two meds for the most part. However, with the circumstances of the world, it’s been hard to “relax” and the amount of stressors is endless. While I have a roof over my head and am doing okay, it’s still scary times. On paper I’m a highly successful and highly functioning stoner but it’s really been impacting my mental health, career, and finances for some time now. I always thought it was helping me stay motivated but I finally have realized the shitty anxiety/depression/exhaustion cycle that it really is. I pretty much dropped out of grad school and have spent nearly all of my savings over the past 3 years. I’ve been hiding the impact on finances from my wife and the weed also keeps us from being close and spending time together. I feel like I know that this plant causes my harm and I’m tired of feeling so beholden. I also want to have a baby relatively soon and this habit has really diminished my ability to do that financially.

With everything going on, (being a black queer woman in America) my therapists keep pushing for harm reduction and think cold turkey is bad. I know that I can’t moderate, at least I feel like I’ve tried. Dozens of “day ones” and thoughts of “im not going to smoke tomorrow”, or “just the weekend” and none of it ever sticks. Every time I get to that uncomfortable feeling that is days 2-5 I just give up.

I don’t feel strong enough and everyone else voicing to me that I don’t need to stop makes it harder. I’m just confused, tired, and lost.