u/PotentDisarray

I (42F) was diagnosed with ADHD during the pandemic and never got consistent with meds. I moved and started a new job and I kept changing insurance. The older I get I find it harder to manage my emotions and impulses.

I was single for 5 years and recently got into a relationship. He is a good partner, but I’m problem. When we fight and he gets mad and says things to hurt me I can’t forget it and it will replay in my head. I’m constantly accusing him of changing patterns of affection and I’ll convince myself he doesn’t love me anymore. I know it’s irrational but it’s always the loudest thought and I start to justify it.

We fight a lot because I lash out in public. I get anxiety in public places as it is. I feel left out of his life a lot. Or I feel like he doesn’t like me because he’s not being physically affectionate. For example, at a farmers market he wasn’t touching me or holding my hand, he would walk a faster pace than me. I wanted him to want to hold my hand (and we did have a conversation about this and I expressed to him that I need more physical affection and I felt like he didn’t hear what I said) The thoughts took over and instead of gently grabbing his hand I grabbed it hard and said, “why don’t you hold my hand” aggressively and he got mad said every one was looking at us. I instantly regretted it and couldn’t figure out why I did that. I didn’t want to do that. I could feel it brewing. And I just couldn’t stop it.

I can’t advance at my job because I can’t shut my mouth. I got called into HR already because I impulsively said something that offended someone on teams. I am good at my job but not good with office politics. I’m too honest and can’t play the game.

I’m broke as shit and owe so much money to the IRS. Because i impulsively nickel and dime all my money away.

It’s literally ruining every aspect of my life. I want to be better and feel like I can function normally in society.