AIO this whole thing?
Sorry for the long rant in advance. I reposted with correct structure.
So, I’ve been in a relationship for several years now. Last year, I found out that my partner had made a friend online—we’ll call him “Bob.”
My partner would only message Bob when I wasn’t home. I worked a lot at the time, so that made sense to me. However, he never seemed to message him when I was around.
A few times, I had picked up my partner’s iPad to use it, and I would occasionally see messages from Bob commenting on my partner’s appearance. He would say things like, “I wish I had a boyfriend who was as handsome as you,” or “If I dated a guy in the future, I’d want them to be like you.”
Seeing this type of messaging repeatedly made me uncomfortable. I didn’t bring it up at first because I didn’t want it to seem like I was intentionally snooping or going through my partner’s things. But we both leave our phones and iPads everywhere, and it’s not unusual for either of us to pick up the other person’s device. Sometimes he’ll bring me my phone if I’m getting a call, or let me know I have a notification, and vice versa.
One time, I was using his iPad to look up cheats for a game (I’m a nerd), and a message from Bob came through. It said that he understood how my partner felt about his ex. I clicked on it because I didn’t realize I had become a topic of their conversations.
That’s when I started seeing more of what was going on.
Bob knew that my partner wasn’t single, yet he was sending him videos about how to identify narcissistic traits in a partner, videos about how to get away from “toxic people,” and similar content. I honestly lost it at that point.
For one, I’m not that kind of person. And almost every time Bob would send something like that, it would be followed by a comment along the lines of, “If I were your man, I wouldn’t do that to you,” or “I wouldn’t make you feel that way.”
At that point, I decided it was time for us to have a conversation because I felt like things were getting out of hand.
During the conversation, my partner obviously became upset. I explained how the situation made me feel and why I was uncomfortable. I told him that it bothered me that a stranger who didn’t know me—and barely knew him—was sending him videos about how to identify a narcissist or a toxic person in a relationship.
It also felt like Bob was trying to convince my partner that I was a bad partner and that he would be a better option. To me, it felt like he was trying to groom my partner into seeing him as the “right” person because he was clearly interested in him.
My partner reassured me that they were just friends and that it wasn’t like that. He explained that because I worked so much, it was good for him to have someone to talk to.
I told him, “Fine. Go ahead and keep talking to him if you need someone to talk to, but I need you to respect my boundary.”
I explained that I wasn’t comfortable with Bob sending flirtatious messages about how attractive my partner was, especially when combined with all of the videos and comments about toxic relationships and narcissism. I also told him that Bob wasn’t a therapist, and it made me uncomfortable that he was essentially trying to diagnose our relationship from the outside.
My partner agreed that he would talk to him about it, and that was that.
Months went by.
Then, one day, I was using my partner’s iPad again, and a message came through from Bob that said something along the lines of, “Delete this or [BLANK] will get mad.”
That immediately caught my attention, so I clicked on it.
The conversation was Bob telling my partner a sexual story, followed by a discussion about his own sexual experiences. Eventually, the conversation shifted into Bob asking my partner about his sexual preferences, including what positions he liked—and my partner was asking him similar questions in return.
That was the point where I completely blew up.
I asked my partner to remove Bob as a friend because, to me, this was a boundary they should not have been crossing. The fact that Bob was also telling my partner to delete the messages so that I wouldn’t see them made the entire situation even worse.
Am I wrong here, or am I overthinking this?
The second part
A year later, after I had confronted both of them about the inappropriate messages and conversations, I asked my partner to remove Bob from his social media.
As far as I know, they no longer talk, text, or have any actual conversations. However, Bob still sends my partner videos every other day.
My partner hasn’t blocked him, and even though he doesn’t respond, I don’t understand why he continues allowing this person to have access to him and send him videos, memes, and other content.
At this point, I’m struggling with how I’m supposed to feel about it.
Am I overreacting? Am I overthinking this? Or is it reasonable for me to still feel uncomfortable given everything that happened between them?