​I’m drowning in my marriage. My husband is completely dependent on me, angry, and detached from reality. I need advice.

​I’m reaching out because I feel completely stuck, exhausted, and honestly, disgusted by my current marriage. I don't believe in divorce, but I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.

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​When we got married, I didn't realize the extent of my husband’s anxiety and depression. He is an immigrant, and for the first 10 years we were together, he repeatedly botched his paperwork. I had to step in, spend my own money, and handle it myself just so he could finally get his green card. Because of this, he became a stay-at-home dad by default, which wasn’t my choice. I don’t think he started out wanting to use me, but he cannot handle any form of pressure.

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​Back home, he seemed to have friends, but I now realize they were just the social circle of one pushy friend. Here, he has zero friends and wants it that way. He has become incredibly introverted and hostile. If I ask him to just ride in the car with me to take our son to the park, he snaps, lashes out, and gets incredibly rude. I have to argue while he spends 2 in hours grooming himself in order to go pick up fast food.

​He acts childishly and completely misunderstands how money and hard work function. We live in a small condo, and he constantly calls me a "hoarder," even though he is the one who leaves food wrappers and dirty clothes all over the floor while refusing to clean.

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​Instead of working or trying to improve, he has become obsessed with tech-related escapes. Years ago, I tried to pay for him to go to community college, but he dropped out because he found it "stupid" and uncomfortable.

​Now, he spends his time heavily watching and downloading porn (even downloading an app to our family Roku TV where anyone could see it). He is also obsessed with futures trading. He literally stares at his PC screen for 20 hours a day. Lately, he's been talking to AI all day to build a trading algorithm, and the AI has him convinced he’s a trading master.

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​I work two jobs to try and get our family ahead. He watches our son during the day, but complains about being tired. Meanwhile, I am working, cooking, cleaning, buying groceries, doing the laundry, and maintaining the car.

​Because he is so consistently rude and sullen, I am completely turned off. We haven't had sex in four months. He doesn't drive or leave the house, so I buy his food and clothes, but I don't give him cash (though he still wastes money on random subscriptions).

​Recently, he demanded that I buy him a faster computer and give him a few thousand dollars in "seed money" for trading. I was so disgusted. I told him if he found a way to earn half, I’d match it. He called my offer stupid, using his lack of a Social Security number and childcare as an excuse. I offered to find him odd jobs with family, and he refused.

​He flat out told me he holds anger against me. For my birthday, he didn't even say "Happy Birthday." When I asked him to just accompany me to a casino overnight for my birthday, he flailed his arms and smacked his lips like a toddler, asking if he really had to go.

​I told him flat out that I am not paying for his computer or his trading money. He loves our son, but he is so dysfunctional that he genuinely thinks he is in the right. I have zero attraction left for him.

​My Question: How do I handle a spouse who feels entirely entitled to my income, refuses to contribute or help around the house, and throws tantrums when asked to participate in the real world? Has anyone successfully set boundaries with a partner like this, or is it past the point of saving?

Keep in mind he was raised like in hiding as an illegal immigrant by his fearful mom who instilled fear in him. He is highly anxious and pathological introverted to a huge detriment. He basically lied to me about how he was honestly. As he has been separated from his family and his only friend that cared to push him he has gotten worse and worse over the years. He hates everything and basically enjoys very little in life except porn, eating food, watching action movies, online trading and our son ( sometimes).

Even if I watch a true crime show he starts fussing loudly, " why do you consume death"? "I'm going upstairs to get away from the death in this house and your warped mind!"

That's just one example of what happens when I do anything that not one of the few things that he enjoys.

tl;dr

Tired exhausted wife not sure if marriage dissolved to me constantly being the bad guy while I am carrying the load. Husband believes I'm stopping him from making money in trading but is unrealistic and has started many things already that he does not finish. Husband won't budge in his belief. What to do?

Hi I used AI to make it shorter. That's why it reads like that. My paragraphs were all over the place.I wish I could have included more details but this actually reads better.

I’ve always been the kind of woman who pushes forward — goals, hard work, responsibility. But in my marriage, I feel like I’ve been running in circles for nearly two decades, caught in a loop of frustration, guilt, and exhaustion.

Our story began almost twenty years ago, long before I understood how much weight I would end up carrying. When we met online, I thought I was stepping into love. Instead, I stepped into trauma. The day I flew to see him, immigration detained him in handcuffs and questioned me for hours. ( He was illegal and didn't tell me and I blindly told immigration that I was there to see him)

From that moment on, guilt became the glue that held us together.

While he spent years fighting deportation, unable to work or move freely, I was in the U.S. juggling two jobs and finishing my degree. I kept believing that once he got through the legal mess, life would finally start for us. But even after he came here and we married, the “start” never came.

Thirteen years later, he has still never held a job. Not one day. He’s angry, withdrawn, and stuck in a mindset shaped by fear, secrecy, and a lifetime of being sheltered ( his mom is a strange fearful lady who raised him in an odd way).

I’ve tried everything — paying for classes, creating opportunities, even buying a property he could manage. Nothing sticks. His frustration has grown into a constant presence in our home, and his laziness has become something I can no longer explain away.

And now we have a son — my miracle after years of IVF and heartbreak. I love watching them together, but I can’t ignore what I see. Days go by without a bath. The TV babysits him while his father day‑trades imaginary fortunes. If something requires effort, it doesn’t get done. I worry about what my son is learning from this: the passivity, the anger, the avoidance, the way responsibility slides off his father like water.

I’m tired. Not just physically — tired in my bones, tired in my spirit. I don’t believe in divorce, but I also don’t know how to keep living like this. I feel close to my husband because of everything we’ve survived, yet I also feel worn down by the years of carrying everything alone. I’m no longer attracted to him, and I’m not sure I even recognize the man I married.

I wanted a family. I wanted stability. I wanted a partner. Instead, I’m raising a child and a grown man at the same time, and I’m terrified of what this environment might teach my son about love, effort, and what it means to show up in life.

I don’t know the ending to this story yet. I just know I’m tired of living the same chapter over and over.