Is he a cover narcissist?
My ex and I were in a long-distance relationship, and we used to fight a lot, but at the same time there was also love, affection, and loyalty. He never cheated on me and was actually very loyal. But he was also very controlling, coercive in sexting, manipulative, disrespectful, and emotionally abusive during fights, and being with him slowly destroyed my mental health.
In our last fight, while we were still together, something happened that made me start seeing things more clearly. He was acting distant, so I asked him what was wrong. He immediately got defensive and said that I question his actions but never look at my own, and that everything was because of me.
I asked him what I did, and he kept saying:
“you know what you did, I don’t have to tell you.”
He kept repeating that I should “sit with myself and figure it out.”
I started overthinking everything and genuinely felt like I was going crazy trying to understand what I had done. But he just kept repeating the same thing:
“you know what you did, I’m not going to tell you.”
At some point I lost it, said I hated him and said some hurtful things back, and he started laughing. I ended up blocking him.
Looking back, it felt like stonewalling and manipulation, like he was almost enjoying my confusion and distress.
After that, I started reading more about his behavior and realized he might be a covert narcissist, or at least have strong narcissistic traits.
During no contact, he kept sending me emails trying to get a response, but I ignored him. One day he sent me a long paragraph degrading me for not responding. He blamed me and said I was acting like a victim. He called me things like “whore,” “mentally ill,” “disgusting,” “selfish,” “worst person ever,” and said that “nobody will ever love me like he did.” He also accused me of looking at men at work, being promiscuous, and sleeping around, and said that he “changed me” and that I was nothing without him.
I didn’t defend myself or give him attention. I just used the grey rock method while he kept blaming me and defending himself.
Later, I confronted him about why he kept saying “just sit with yourself and figure it out,” and he claimed he was only “helping me” and didn’t want to hurt me, which is why he stayed silent. Of course, I didn’t believe him.
Then suddenly, he became calmer and started telling me he has changed and that he is sorry, that he loves me, that he is obsessed with me, that he will never leave me, that I will always be his, and that he would do whatever I want. Idk should i believe him or not. Also i feel bad for him because he has no friends and think im the only one who is there for him. btw he is younger than me (4 years).
But he is shy, kind, funny, loyal and his voice is not loud, so it’s freaking weird how can he be like this.
And honestly… I don’t know what to think anymore.