u/Pretty-Athlete-1767

Even if I were somehow able to magically erase the limerence, the fantasizing, the thinking he was in love with her, the believing that she was better than me, using my body to imagine he was having sex with her, the hoping that she would admit feelings for him, the anticipation of seeing her every day, the wondering if what she said meant that she wanted him, the wanting to leave me for her, etc. and could make this only that the man I adored, trusted, and married, was the biggest fucking flirt behind my back, while pretending to be the most faithful man to my face, the pain would be pretty much the same.

It is the not knowing the person that you thought you knew better than anyone on this planet, that is where the real pain lies. That they could be one person when you were there, and another when you left the room. That is the real betrayal. At least for me.

Found out my husband of 20 years (together 23), was having secret emotional affairs that he badly wanted to be physical, but was too scared to verbalize to AP’s due to fear of rejection/image management, for our entire relationship, essentially.

He had unmedicated ADHD, chronic anxiety and disregulated nervous system. Now medicated on mood stabilizer, and sober for 16 months.

The thing is, he convinced me the whole time how loyal, devoted, committed and faithful he was while pontificating to the world how disgusting and immature cheaters are. I felt so safe and adored. Thought I was married to the world’s best man. He was just the best at hiding it.

Each relationship moved closer to crossing the line of becoming physical. I did sense things feeling off and would ask him if anything was going on and he would deny it and gaslight me every time. I had no proof, and no “reason not to trust” him. So I would chalk it up to my trauma from a previous relationship, as he would point out my jealousy and insecurity, and blame his moods on work stress.

I was out of his league, and I knew that. But he gave me all of the safety and loyalty I was looking for, and made me feel like he would never hurt me. He was my hero. I adored him. Worshipped him. Lived for him. That was stupid. I’ve always been pretty KO attractive, fun, intelligent, emotionally deep, socially magnetic, and I get a shit ton of attention, which never made me think twice about our connection and whether I wanted to be in it. His AP’s were none of those things. Just flirty, slightly dim, not very attractive, coworkers, he had lots of access to and could hide an inappropriate, boundary crossing, relationship with easily.

When he was finally caught, he begged me to stay, began therapy, got diagnoses, sober, help with childhood trauma and shame, etc. He seems to really be changing, but I’m stuck in the grief of realizing he was never the man he said he was, and I never had the marriage I thought I did. It’s been 8 months of tirelessly digging, and trying to understand why he would ever throw away the kind of love I was giving for attention, validation, excitement, and the hopes of sex that allegedly never happened (our sex life was hot btw).

I don’t know how I can ever move past this. I still love him, have empathy for him, I want to keep our life and our kids lives intact, I want to repair and have a new marriage, but how the hell does anyone do that when the past is so tainted? Therapy isn’t helping much. I want to crawl in a hole and just sleep the rest of my life away.