u/Primary-Plantain70

I’m posting anonymously because I genuinely want some unbiased opinions. I’m getting married in about two months, and a situation with a family member has completely blown up right before the wedding.
My great-aunt was a major parental figure in my life growing up. About two weeks ago, she contacted me because she was concerned about my fiancé. She told me that for roughly the last six months, she hasn’t seen him “sober” and believes that every time she sees him he is either high or drinking.
If that were actually happening, I would completely understand why she was concerned. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who was constantly intoxicated either.
The problem is that what she is describing does not match what I see at all.
My fiancé does use marijuana recreationally. It is legal where we live. He also drinks occasionally. I’m fully aware of both and have no issue with the amount or circumstances of his use.
He does NOT show up to family gatherings high or drunk. He does not drive under the influence. We live with my SIL/Brotherand their children, and he does not use marijuana around the kids or while they are awake.
When my aunt originally brought this up, I told her I appreciated that she was looking out for me but that he wasn’t constantly high like she believed. She essentially told me she knew what she saw and at one point said, “Don’t get cocky with me.”
Yesterday she contacted me AGAIN about it. This time she said she had discussed it with other members of our family and claimed that everyone had noticed the same thing. She also started saying that he was smoking around my niece and nephew.
That particular accusation bothered my SIL, who is also my MOH, because they are her children and it is her home. She knows exactly what happens in her house and confirmed that my fiancé does not use around her children.
My SIL ended up starting a group conversation with some of the family because apparently this had been discussed among them. She basically said that yes, my fiancé occasionally uses marijuana, but he does so legally and responsibly, isn’t under the influence around her children, and that she wanted to clear up what was being said before our wedding.
It went horribly.
My great-aunt immediately became extremely angry and told my SIL to “mind your own fucking business,” told her to “back off,” and repeatedly said it wasn’t her business. She also told my fiancé that he needed to come speak to her “like a grown ass man” and at one point referred to him as a “brown ass man,” which understandably created another issue entirely.
My fiancé defended himself and said that his recreational use is between him and me and that he was upset about being portrayed as a drug addict.
Then my aunt compared him to my mother.
This is where things became extremely personal for me. My mother was an abusive drug addict when I was growing up. My brother and I were removed from her care and placed in foster care. My great-aunt KNOWS this history extremely well — she was actually one of the people who intervened when I was a child and took care of us for a period of time.
So comparing the man I’m about to marry, who occasionally uses legal marijuana, to the person whose addiction and abuse resulted in me being removed from my home felt incredibly cruel.
I told her that bringing my mother into this crossed a boundary.
She has now said she is no longer coming to our wedding. She was paying for our DJ and has canceled that, so two months before the wedding we suddenly have to find and pay for another DJ. She is also the grandmother/guardian of our junior bridesmaid and junior groomsman and has said they will no longer be participating either.
This has been particularly upsetting because she had previously been supportive of the wedding and had actually helped other family members become more accepting of our marriage.
I am not claiming marijuana is completely harmless, and I understand some people strongly dislike it. I also understand why a family member would approach me if they genuinely believed my fiancé was intoxicated constantly. I would want someone who loved me to say something if they truly thought I was entering a dangerous marriage.
What I’m struggling with is what happens after I tell someone their perception is wrong and another adult who lives with us confirms that the behavior they’re alleging isn’t happening.
My fiancé is also taking this particularly hard because he grew up around serious substance abuse himself, so being portrayed as an addict is extremely hurtful to him.
I’m obviously emotionally involved in this and my wedding is only two months away, so I’m trying to figure out whether I have a blind spot here.
Would you consider occasional legal marijuana use itself a legitimate reason to be this concerned about someone getting married? Am I underreacting to my fiancé’s marijuana use, or has my aunt crossed the line from expressing concern into trying to control our relationship? And would you try to repair this before the wedding, or accept that she chose not to attend and stop engaging?