u/Primary-Self7389

Not sure where best to post this, but I’m seeking advice from anyone who’s been through something similar or understands emotional dysregulation.

I’m 25M, my partner is 26F. A little over 3 weeks ago, we made our relationship official after what was easily the best date I’ve ever had. Everything felt perfect ,we had so much in common, shared similar past experiences and how we’d been treated by others, and wanted the same things from a partnership. We clicked instantly, like we’d known each other for years, and spent the whole day laughing and enjoying each other’s company.

The first 2 weeks were amazing. She introduced me to her parents and her dog, both huge parts of her life, and they really liked me. I introduced her to my family, and everything felt like it was falling perfectly into place. Then, over the last 7–8 days, things changed drastically.

On Monday 11th May, we had a lovely evening until our conversation turned to gender dynamics and feminism, something she feels very passionately about, though I didn’t realise this at the time. I explained I was raised to respect women and hope to build a life with someone special one day. I also shared that I’ve been hurt and used by women in the past ,friends, exes, even family so I’m naturally wary about who I trust. She completely misunderstood this, thought I disliked all women and held harmful views, then stormed out. She kissed me on the way out but said nothing more.

The next day she asked for space. I said I’d respect that and leave her be for a few days, but this upset her, she meant space physically, but still wanted to message, and ended her text frustrated. She never made that clear earlier. After a couple of quiet days, she warmed up again; her mum had told her she was overreacting, and things went back to normal.

For context: when things get tense or we disagree, I tend to go quiet and process my thoughts instead of reacting emotionally. I’ve told her this isn’t a punishment, just my way of calming down to handle things better later. But she’s the opposite she needs to talk through everything immediately, and I think she struggles to understand my reaction.

We agreed to avoid heavy conversations for a while to take pressure off. I planned a London trip for next month and other fun things to give us things to look forward to. But on Friday 15th May, things shifted again. We’d had a great day at a car show with her family and dog, then went back to mine. She asked what I thought of the phrase “agree to disagree” and if I’d had bad experiences with it. I answered briefly, mentioning small past issues but nothing too deep. She used this chance to open up about trauma, but didn’t tell me that’s what she was doing. I gently suggested we avoid certain topics so we didn’t argue again, referencing the earlier discussion, and she shut down completely, told me I had hurt her massively and shut her down and she became cold and distant for the rest of the night.

The next morning was better. I dropped her at the station to visit her grandma, we spoke all day, and things felt normal again. That evening at hers, while her parents were away, we had a lovely time; she told me I was her favourite person and loved me so much.

Then Sunday 17th May, everything fell apart. She’d mentioned the night before she was meeting a work friend for coffee, but as she got ready, she said: “You can go home while I’m out, then come back later.” This was totally new, never discussed before. I went quiet to process and not react emotionally, and we went our separate ways.

After that, she said things were too much, she wasn’t ready for a relationship, and my silence reminded her of her ex, something that really upset her. She said she wants fun in a relationship not pressure, feels she doesn’t know who she is right now, and doesn’t want to drag me down. It came out of nowhere. When I tried to fix things, she said there was nothing left to save. She dropped my things round, suggested we exchange belongings and take time apart. She said she loves me, that it’s not my fault, and we could be friends, but insisted she wasn’t ready.

I haven’t heard from her since. On Instagram, our nicknames are still there — I’m “My Man”, she’s “My Girl”. She still shares her location with me and hasn’t unfollowed or removed me anywhere. But I re-installed Hinge (not to get back out there but to check a gut feeling) and saw she’d updated two photos — one taken in my flat, another I took of her less than a week before she ended things. I don’t know exactly when she added them, but it looks like she’s active there despite what she said.

I’d love advice on what might be going on here. Also, is it normal for someone who truly wants to end things to leave everything exactly as it was between us, including social media and location sharing? Or is there hope we could get back to how we were?

Thanks :)

Hi,

Not sure where else to turn right now with the situation I’m in so thought here might be the best place. And sorry in advance it’s a long ish one 😅.

I’m currently in a weird situation with someone who I’ve been with just over 3 weeks now and everything’s been brilliant up until the last 7/8 days.

Little bit of back story on this, myself (25M) and the girl I’ve been seeing (26F) met on hinge and instantly connected from minute 1 and things seemed to be going absolutely perfect up until last Monday 11th May. For some reason after a lovely evening together we got into a conversation about feminism (which I didn’t know she was very passionate about) and the conversation seemed to escalate to the point where what resulted from it was a small argument where she ended up walking out of my place and going home. I’ve been badly hurt by women over the years and basically used for my kindness, the job I have, the fact I live alone and emotionally abused mentally, this has shaken my trust in women until I met this girl and she was starting to re-build that trust in me until this night as it took me by surprise about how she went really defensive and turned a bit aggressive towards me through the conversation before walking out and seeming to turn her back on me completely.

She suffers with emotional dysregulation and is not medicated for it as far as I am aware and is not in any kind of therapy for it either. And following this situation that evening after she left/ the next day she asked for space so she can calm down and process. I respected her wishes and said that “I’d leave her to it and chat in a few days when she is ready”, she didn’t like that and started to turn nasty towards me saying that she meant “space physically, not space from talking as well ffs”. I tried to stay calm and collected about it rather than react nastily as she was treated very badly in her previous relationship which lasted 3.5 years.

Fast forward 2 days she had spoken to her mum and her mum was saying she was being silly and to basically sort things out and she came back and was messaging me saying she misses me, she was sorry etc etc like she was back to normal. We then agreed the next time we met up that we wouldn’t have any deep conversations and to just enjoy things and have fun. Then on Friday last week we had got back to mine after a lovely evening at a car event and spending time with her parents and she said “I’ve got something to ask you” and I said “yeah go for it” not thinking too much of it and she asks me “so why don’t you like the term Agree to Disagree? Have you had bad experiences in the past?” And I didn’t think things were too deep at this point so I answered “well yeah I have in ways because people usually don’t just agree to disagree in my life, they usually use it as leverage over me to say they’ve won the conversation or argument” and following this things seemed to go deeper and deeper which I was cautious of because of the situation previous, and before I knew it the conversation started to get too deep (at this point I didn’t realise what she was going to say next so I tried to steer the conversation onto something less deep) she was saying bits about her experience and she wanted to come to a middle ground for us with a word which helps us stop from going too deep too quick other than the term Agree to Disagree and she said “okay so I’ve had bad experiences with men before” and before she said anything else I tried to steer the conversation onto something less about men and women like the argument was on Monday by saying “okay well let’s not go down the route of men and women stuff like previously because I don’t want another argument haha” thinking it was a lighthearted comment which could help things from ending in an argument but I was wrong.

Following this comment she seemed to turn nasty again and went in a proper mood with me, went cold, silent and was saying nothing to me. She apparently was trying to open up about her past trauma with her biological dad and that I had completely shut her down and that I’d really badly hurt her. I never intended to shut her down or hurt her but I had no idea at the same time that she was going to open up to me about that as she never made that clear. She also was the one to agree on no deep convos because of how much pressure it’s putting on things, yet she instigated the deep conversation by asking me a question about my past, so that’s one thing that’s really confused me.

We went to bed that night and had cuddles and in the morning things seemed a bit better but she was off out to meet her nan so I dropped her at the station and I chilled at home. We texted all day and things seemed back to normal, I picked her up in the evening, we went to hers, had food, watched a movie and she said that “Your my favourite thing in the world” and “I love you so so so much” and we had a lovely evening together.

This is where things changed completely, because for me whenever things change last minute, or in an argument or anything like that I go quiet because for me I need to think and process stuff before I say anything because I don’t want to be irrational with what I say in the moment, it’s not me being arsey or a horrible person or trying to punish the other person it’s just my main coping mechanism so I can come back to things and say things properly with a level head. Unfortunately this is something that my other half could not understand and she saw it as what her ex did to her (he did it as punishment for her rather than in the way I do it and I have explained this to her several times).

The Sunday morning she was going out to meet a work friend for a coffee, she had said she the night before she was going out for an hour and would then come back. She asked for my permission and I said “you never have to ask for my permission I’m not controlling like that”. I assumed that she wanted me to stay with her dog and she would come back then we’d spend the rest of the day/ evening together. What she didn’t tell me was that was not her plan, she then told me as she was getting ready that I’m going with her, I was confused and said “what do you mean?” She then said that “you can just go home and then come back later”, to my brain this was a complete shock as I’ve had people do that to me before and then just boot me out, so I went quiet to try and process things without letting my emotions get the better of me which she clearly didn’t like at all.

Following this we stood outside hers and she said “well I guess I’ll see you when I see you then” we had a half arsed hug and kiss and then we both drove off and I went home. I sent a text saying “I hope you got there safely and enjoy your time out” she then responded when she was leaving saying “I’m just gonna go home and have some TLC with my dog” and from there it’s descended into her not wanting things anymore, she is apparently not ready for a relationship, she just wants to have fun in a relationship and enjoy things and this is too much and a few other reasons.

She decided to drop my bits over that day, she then arrived outside and changed it to “let’s just exchange bits and have some time apart” and when I tried to convince her outside she seemed very cold, very emotionless towards me and had not much to say. I said that I don’t want things to be thrown away so quick and “I know you won’t say it back but I love you” to which she replied back “I love you too, it’s not you but this is too much right now and that we can be friends or something” and that she “doesn’t want to drag me down with her as she doesn’t know who she is at the minute”.

Since Sunday afternoon she hasn’t messaged me, called me or anything, she left the nicknames we set for each other on instagram DM’s and hasn’t changed it, she has left her location on for me and not removed me from any of her social media’s, which is confusing the hell out of me. I had a feeling about something as we met on hinge so I re-downloaded it to check her profile and she has updated 2 of her photos on there with 1 she took in my flat of herself and the other one was a picture I took of her at the birthday meal I booked for her (both those photos were taken less than a week before she did this to me so i know she has changed them recently I just don’t know when).

I have treated her exactly how she wanted to as well, I made her a homemade card for her birthday, got her a unique custom gift for her, brought her flowers, was there through the dysregulation episodes she had in the time we’ve been together, cooked her meals, took her out for her birthday and even her mum loves the way I’ve treated her as she has told me face to face. So I can’t wrap my head around what I’ve done wrong to cause this.

Any advise on this situation would be great as my head is all over the place right now and I want to believe the nice things she has said to me since we’ve been together but she now does this and I don’t really know what I’ve done wrong or what to expect next!

Thanks!