u/PriorChip3780

I followed the link on HH's website but it shows "a server with specified hostname could not be found".

Is the link outdated? Anyone has the correct one?

Upon reflection, the following two points bring the concept of death closer to me—i.e., they actually make me feel the underlying aversion:

• I, this lump of foam, already exist, and I will become non-existent upon death. — aversion to change
• I have no control over when or how I die. — aversion to ultimate uncertainty

Upon further reflection, it occurred to me that there was a subtle tendency to hide from the fact that I exist, as if not facing my current state of existence would allow me to avoid facing the potential change—from existing to non-existing.

The second point is that I have zero control over how I die. The quest for “seeking a meaningful life” was actually an effort to control how I would feel when I die: “When I look back on my life, I want to feel it was not wasted.”

However, I have no direct control over my feelings. No matter how hard I try, I still won’t be guaranteed a certain feeling at the moment of death. So that effort is destined to be unfruitful.

Even suicidal desire is an attempt to control death.

So, the thought of “there is no point in living” can be translated into: “No matter how hard I try, there is no ultimate safety or control over one’s life. This sucks.” — there is suffering being noticed.

The underlying desire behind that suffering is the wish to have control over the uncertainty of death.

So, the suffering comes from my attitude toward this factual uncertainty, not from the uncertainty itself.

The next step, I guess, would be to endure the discomfort of facing this uncertainty and all the urges that arise from trying to get rid of it.

I don't own other people's suffering
I don't own their healing, either.

This is the closest way of describing my inner experience so far.

I don't know why, deep down there seems to be a kind of martyr or savior fantasy—a belief that by sacrificing myself, I could somehow save… someone. I don’t even know who. It’s strange.

It doesn't manifest in a very obvious way but more in the subtle attitude towards people and the way I perceive and interact with people.

I guess there are tons of theories to explain how this formed.

However, how it formed doesn't matter to me.

The most important point is that I felt somehow I owned others' suffering, hence I must fix it and save them.

This is a very naive belief that I can save them by sacrificing myself. Which is obviously just a cute and childish wish.

It just hit me that:

I don't own their suffering. I don't own their happiness.

I just simply don't own.

Realizing this is a relief.

As someone who has a history of depression. Life is suffering resonates with my personal experience, not like people who have interests, hobbies and sense based delights. LOL

Although I don't have many struggles with abstaining from sensory pleasures, I constantly battle with the desire to kill myself. (oh, actually now I'm reading back, is this intentionally killing a living being? which violate the first precept?)

The most difficult part is that it would argue so logically (seems) at that moment, that I could not rationalize myself out at all. And I noticed a transition in its argument recently:

Previously, it would argue since there is no pleasure, all people live b/c they can find some sort of pleasure, hence I'm justified to die.

Now, since it knows that "no pleasure" is no longer a justified reason to die, now it would say: "it takes too much effort to live, why not "relinquishing" it now? Practice doesn't matter, after you die, it's other person's problem not yours. After all, all the body and other aggregates are not yours. You'll be released from this suffering here and now."

OK, I guess my point is... don't talk to it, don't engage with it. You won't win the argument.

So far, my best try was be there either sitting or lying down, not engaged in its conversation but just endured the underlining pain and the pain of having this depressed mood.

But when the mind is cloudy or the pain is too strong, I would still be trapped into the conversation and being convinced, then get even more depressed.

I feel like maybe I'm too strict on the restraining part, I should accept some distractions when the pain is too strong knowing that I was distracting, rather than being overwhelmed by the emotion.

The mind is not tamed enough to head on facing some pains yet. I should leave it some space and train gradually. And maybe be kinder to it.